Just Don't Ask.
I don't want any of you to take what I'm about to say personally.
I know you will.
And I'm sorry in advance.
But it occured to me today that I don't know how I survive here.
In this town - with all these people.
It kills me to have to sit during lunch and listen to anyone, rather literally anyone, talk about ball and dresses and shoes and hair and all the things that have to do with it.
I hate it all.
I hate it because I know that I can't have it, too.
And maybe it's jealousy. Yes, probably.
But I don't have a daddy to buy me my dress.
Or a mommy that wants me to look beautiful so she buys me the shoes and supplies me with ticket money because "this is a chance I never got to have."
And I don't want to think about it anymore.
My paycheck doesn't cover all those expenses.
My parents aren't sending me to college.
They aren't covering my car insurance.
They don't hand me money to go shopping in Abercrombie for skirts too short, jackets that you could get half priced at Wal*Mart, and sweaters made by cambodian children.
I don't have money to go shopping at all.
I still haven't gotten Jaymie a birthday present, because I can't afford to.
How sad IS THAT?
I can't afford a birthday present for one of the people I consider my best friends.
I don't want to think about the fact that, yes, I have a boyfriend.
But no, he doesn't want to go.
I'm not going to dump him if he doesn't.
I don't want to lose him over a "dance".
I thought it was important to me.
But what changed my mind is that I'd rather not lose something that's more important.
So it just doesn't matter anymore.
But I'm not going.
And that's the end of that.