(no subject)
Sometimes I feel good. Like I am strong and can change. Sometimes my own will power astounds me, I can step away from everything and see myself overcoming and feeling calm. I have a few good days and then a craving I can’t escape from. It is constantly on my mind.
I feel a connection with the drug addicts and alcoholics, people who cannot keep from indulging even though their lives are crashing around them. I feel that. I feel as though I am spiraling away from myself. I can watch the numbers climb and feel the buttons pull, but I cannot stop. I am desperate. I am delirious with want.
I treat myself like a child. I reprimand and berate hoping that I'll get it through my thick skull. thick. I am uncomfortable. I am inconsolable.
I haven't slept a full night in years. I dream about it. I wake up and think about it. I think about it on the way to work. I think about it all day, plan it out. I still feel the pre-lunch excitement of grade school.
I wish I could escape.
I feel a connection with the drug addicts and alcoholics, people who cannot keep from indulging even though their lives are crashing around them. I feel that. I feel as though I am spiraling away from myself. I can watch the numbers climb and feel the buttons pull, but I cannot stop. I am desperate. I am delirious with want.
I treat myself like a child. I reprimand and berate hoping that I'll get it through my thick skull. thick. I am uncomfortable. I am inconsolable.
I haven't slept a full night in years. I dream about it. I wake up and think about it. I think about it on the way to work. I think about it all day, plan it out. I still feel the pre-lunch excitement of grade school.
I wish I could escape.