i forgot my favorite man sitting over there
in the middle of the night, i realized that i'm handling things with way more poise and grace than i would have 4 years ago.
then again, four years ago, i would have been certifiable.
these days, i'm mostly fine. if you didn't know i've ever been to a psych ward, you wouldn't. i have been on a mission since then to upgrade myself. generally, i look and feel better than i did 4 years ago when i got out of that place. i definitely think better now. by better, i mean i think things through more now than i ever did. 4 years ago, people were concerned about my ability to ever work law enforcement again. my hijinks described exactly how one, as smokey in friday asks, can get fired on their day off. i'm sure if you ask them, they were simply protecting themselves from lawsuits. can't have a prison guard that's crazier than the very monsters she's tasked to protect society from, right? looking back on it, i'm not sure how crazy crazy can be before crazy needs to be locked away, but i had crossed that threshold in a bad way. (how do you think i know white women's tears move mountains?) did i do what i was accused of? no. had it crossed my mind? i couldn't tell you. my mistake was loving someone who didn't love me and went out of her way to show me how much she didn't love me.
i was the first one of my crew to snap.
i'm the only one of my crew to bounce back better than i was before the mental breaking took place.
people talk.
a lot of them gave me lip service and said things like "how horrible!" and "i hope it gets better for you" but i knew the talk amongst my peer group from over there was "lee snapped. what a waste of bravado." to this day, i find some sort of grim humor in the fact that out of my team, i'm the one that was a prison and jail guard. the rest of them have been inmates. i beat back enough of my own demons to the point where i can drink a few and put it down, unlike the very people that shook their heads saying "what a waste" when i signed myself into the psych ward. i indirectly heard from a friend on facebook saying she can't make ends meet with two minimum wage jobs even though she's just as qualified to do other things as i am. we had the same job in the army. i've had a lot of army buddies inbox me on facebook and say they're proud of me for even trying to go back to school after the nightmare we've been through. there's a lot of "keep on keeping on" from the very same folks that were all tsk tsk tsk when i showed my ass 4 years ago.
make no mistake, i tore my drawers and showed my ass when i did that... but it's not always what you do... sometimes it's about how you recover from your mistakes.
i am grateful, humbled by my experience, and honored that i got a chance to make good on my major malfunction. a lot of people never get that chance for people to believe that they're more than what the gossip was about them. i also know it could have been over for me.
i'm going to leave you with the words i said to a friend last night: i love my country. i don't regret the things i've seen and done in the name of my country; i abhor how my life has gone since then (up until about 3 years ago). this is my chance to set things right.
then again, four years ago, i would have been certifiable.
these days, i'm mostly fine. if you didn't know i've ever been to a psych ward, you wouldn't. i have been on a mission since then to upgrade myself. generally, i look and feel better than i did 4 years ago when i got out of that place. i definitely think better now. by better, i mean i think things through more now than i ever did. 4 years ago, people were concerned about my ability to ever work law enforcement again. my hijinks described exactly how one, as smokey in friday asks, can get fired on their day off. i'm sure if you ask them, they were simply protecting themselves from lawsuits. can't have a prison guard that's crazier than the very monsters she's tasked to protect society from, right? looking back on it, i'm not sure how crazy crazy can be before crazy needs to be locked away, but i had crossed that threshold in a bad way. (how do you think i know white women's tears move mountains?) did i do what i was accused of? no. had it crossed my mind? i couldn't tell you. my mistake was loving someone who didn't love me and went out of her way to show me how much she didn't love me.
i was the first one of my crew to snap.
i'm the only one of my crew to bounce back better than i was before the mental breaking took place.
people talk.
a lot of them gave me lip service and said things like "how horrible!" and "i hope it gets better for you" but i knew the talk amongst my peer group from over there was "lee snapped. what a waste of bravado." to this day, i find some sort of grim humor in the fact that out of my team, i'm the one that was a prison and jail guard. the rest of them have been inmates. i beat back enough of my own demons to the point where i can drink a few and put it down, unlike the very people that shook their heads saying "what a waste" when i signed myself into the psych ward. i indirectly heard from a friend on facebook saying she can't make ends meet with two minimum wage jobs even though she's just as qualified to do other things as i am. we had the same job in the army. i've had a lot of army buddies inbox me on facebook and say they're proud of me for even trying to go back to school after the nightmare we've been through. there's a lot of "keep on keeping on" from the very same folks that were all tsk tsk tsk when i showed my ass 4 years ago.
make no mistake, i tore my drawers and showed my ass when i did that... but it's not always what you do... sometimes it's about how you recover from your mistakes.
i am grateful, humbled by my experience, and honored that i got a chance to make good on my major malfunction. a lot of people never get that chance for people to believe that they're more than what the gossip was about them. i also know it could have been over for me.
i'm going to leave you with the words i said to a friend last night: i love my country. i don't regret the things i've seen and done in the name of my country; i abhor how my life has gone since then (up until about 3 years ago). this is my chance to set things right.