social media and the sensationalization of (good or bad) relationships
If you have a facebook and a pulse, chances are, you've seen people post these types of articles: "HUSBAND WANTED TO DIVORCE WIFE BUT 30 DAYS LATER, HE WAS IN LOVE AGAIN" or "SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE HAD BEEN ABUSING HER HUSBAND." And yes, the all caps was on purpose, because that's what I feel these stories are trying to do: scream an opinion so loud that people blindly accept whatever is written. I usually stay away from most people's posts of such articles, but every now and then, I get so curious as to the content that I *finally* click on them.
Today's article was on the wife who didn't know she had been "abusing" her husband of 12+ years. I rolled my eyes so hard throughout the article, but a part of me also related to the man mentioned in the article. No matter how you wish they didn't, relationships take work. Period. You're talking about falling in love, over and over again, with someone. Not just lust, not just perfunctorily performing daily chores, not just settling because you're scared, but actually finding the reason you want this person to be a part of your life, day in and day out, for the rest of your life. It's about feeling valued, loved, cared for, that this person has your back, no matter what.
I remember feeling so scared that I was missing out, that I wasn't going to find someone to create this "happily ever after" with. I dated guys that were completely wrong for me. Hell, I was all set and ready to marry a guy who couldn't even bother to roll the trashcan in for me after trash day, despite me asking him to do so. We had spent the night at my place and I had to leave the next morning before the trash got taken, and asked if he could wait until they came by, and then roll it in for me. He said sure, but the trash guy didn't come on time that day, and rather than waiting until they did (while he had all the time in the world to wait, too! He was "working from home" that day), he just left. We spent the night at his place that night and I had to tack on 45 minutes to my morning commute the next day to roll in the trash can before heading to work. I felt like such a used rag throughout that whole relationship, and it was my own dumb fault for settling for someone who thought his needs mattered more than anyone else's.
I let my fears of the future blind me to the fact that I wasn't feeling loved, supported, or understood. Instead, I felt belittled by a lot of the things he said to me during the tenure of our relationship and unvalued, ashamed of the fact that I could stay with someone who accused me of cheating, who could even THINK I was capable of cheating. I was ashamed of who I was with him, but I was in it, do or die. I withdrew from friends and poured every ounce of energy I had into trying to make this miserable person happy. I came to expect that our love would operate on a sort of low-level, functioning misery, when it should NEVER be that way! The biggest favor I could have done him and myself was leave when he accused me of cheating. Live and learn, I guess. Happiness has flooded my life since we broke up, and continues to build and grow and overwhelm me every. single. day.
Love in the digital age is more about swiping left or right, virutal "winking," and relying on impulse reactions to someone over an hour over drinks, rather than something that should be worked on and decided over time. And while real love seems more and more elusive despite the gazillion ways to "meet" someone, this plethora of options only creates despair because people think it should be that much easier to connect now that all these tools to connect exist. More than ever, you're presented with tons of strangers who you're supposed to jive with based on a few algorithms and similar interests, when we all know that when it comes down to it, real love takes time and work. And that is something that has always existed, even before dating went all www. And with sites like facebook, you're constantly subjected to people's marriage proposals, babies, travels, etc., when, in real life, you'd probably only hear of these things from close friends every so often. This inundation of joyous moments creates a sense of void when, really, you need nothing more than to know that you are complete, whole, and happy, as you are.
So let the haters go on hating, and let the lovers go on loving. Know yourself, love yourself enough so that when the right person comes along, you won't let them dictate your happiness. This is where I am: happy, whole, completely and blissfully enjoying the little things. And this is all the happiness I need in the world.