kindness goes a long way
I found this article very interesting, and it reaffirmed why my past relationship didn't work: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11. I don't hate my ex, but I do look back and recognize some severely emotionally traumatizing events.
a few of my favorite highlights from the article and my specific experiences in these categories:
"Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there."
This was my biggest struggle; trying to MAKE my ex see the positives rather than constantly dreaming up the negatives. He never wanted to believe the good, and always hyperfocused on past hurt feelings and misunderstandings. He also did this with happy times, comparing everything to the happiness we felt in the very beginning, making it virtually impossible to enjoy the relationship in its current state, because I would never know when things were good or bad, because none of it was based on here-and-now feelings.
"People who give their partner the cold shoulder - deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally - damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships."
It used to drive me INSANE when I would talk, and my ex would either 1)have a SERIOUSLY delayed reaction (anywhere from 10 - 40 seconds) or 2)just not answer. It was especially grating bc when he talked (which was a lot, all the time), he required full attention, even though it was the same topic over and over again, usually (involving him putting down one or more of his friends). And I didn't talk much, so usually when I did speak, i would expect SOME attention. And when I would talk about something that made me happy, such as food or friends, he would respond with a negative comment about my friend, or about how I was so crazy about food. Or he would always "jokingly" put me down, and when I brought it up, he said to call him on it if he did it again, because he wasn't aware of what he was doing. And so the next time he did it, I called him out on it, and his response was "well i've been like this for over a year. clearly im not going to change, so you need to figure out how to deal with it."
"Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated-feel loved."
I would definitel say emotional stability was severely lacking, unless you count me crying almost every day as something stable. True, I am more sensitive than the average girl, but put me in a relationship where I had to defend my past actions outisde of the relationship, when it didn't even involve my ex, was frustrating, exhausting, emotiionally draining, and downright stupid, and you have a nervous wreck of a girl, with frayed nerves and a bruised heart who didn't feel loved, but SUPREMELY judged by the one who was supposed to try to love and understand her above all. Or how nothing came for free with him, and him saying he bought me a parking permit as a gift so we could spend more time together in the mornings, but him being awake only three or four times in the morning in the two years we were dating. It made no sense because why buy someone a gift that you thought YOU could benefit from? That's not kind or selfless; that's greedy and selfish.
"Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship."
I remember we had some knock-down, drag-out fights. One where he said to my face that I was toxic, and that death would be an easier out. Or that he didn't love me, and couldn't love someone who made the choices that I did in my past (that didn't involve him, btw) that he just could not understand. Or that I was a liar. And a cheater...I still look back at that and kick myself for not letting him go then. Because if any of my friends told me that their significant other had snooped through their phones and found a text with a guy's name and just assumed they were being cheated on, I would tell them to get the fuck out because that guy has trust issues and can't even communicate or clarify before unilaterally deciding to end things.
I don't hate him, I really and truly don't. I think we tried and failed spectacularly, but that's nothing that should lead to hate. You learn from things, you move on, and hopefully you don't make the same mistakes or date the same people who are just wrong for you.
a few of my favorite highlights from the article and my specific experiences in these categories:
"Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there."
This was my biggest struggle; trying to MAKE my ex see the positives rather than constantly dreaming up the negatives. He never wanted to believe the good, and always hyperfocused on past hurt feelings and misunderstandings. He also did this with happy times, comparing everything to the happiness we felt in the very beginning, making it virtually impossible to enjoy the relationship in its current state, because I would never know when things were good or bad, because none of it was based on here-and-now feelings.
"People who give their partner the cold shoulder - deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally - damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships."
It used to drive me INSANE when I would talk, and my ex would either 1)have a SERIOUSLY delayed reaction (anywhere from 10 - 40 seconds) or 2)just not answer. It was especially grating bc when he talked (which was a lot, all the time), he required full attention, even though it was the same topic over and over again, usually (involving him putting down one or more of his friends). And I didn't talk much, so usually when I did speak, i would expect SOME attention. And when I would talk about something that made me happy, such as food or friends, he would respond with a negative comment about my friend, or about how I was so crazy about food. Or he would always "jokingly" put me down, and when I brought it up, he said to call him on it if he did it again, because he wasn't aware of what he was doing. And so the next time he did it, I called him out on it, and his response was "well i've been like this for over a year. clearly im not going to change, so you need to figure out how to deal with it."
"Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated-feel loved."
I would definitel say emotional stability was severely lacking, unless you count me crying almost every day as something stable. True, I am more sensitive than the average girl, but put me in a relationship where I had to defend my past actions outisde of the relationship, when it didn't even involve my ex, was frustrating, exhausting, emotiionally draining, and downright stupid, and you have a nervous wreck of a girl, with frayed nerves and a bruised heart who didn't feel loved, but SUPREMELY judged by the one who was supposed to try to love and understand her above all. Or how nothing came for free with him, and him saying he bought me a parking permit as a gift so we could spend more time together in the mornings, but him being awake only three or four times in the morning in the two years we were dating. It made no sense because why buy someone a gift that you thought YOU could benefit from? That's not kind or selfless; that's greedy and selfish.
"Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship."
I remember we had some knock-down, drag-out fights. One where he said to my face that I was toxic, and that death would be an easier out. Or that he didn't love me, and couldn't love someone who made the choices that I did in my past (that didn't involve him, btw) that he just could not understand. Or that I was a liar. And a cheater...I still look back at that and kick myself for not letting him go then. Because if any of my friends told me that their significant other had snooped through their phones and found a text with a guy's name and just assumed they were being cheated on, I would tell them to get the fuck out because that guy has trust issues and can't even communicate or clarify before unilaterally deciding to end things.
I don't hate him, I really and truly don't. I think we tried and failed spectacularly, but that's nothing that should lead to hate. You learn from things, you move on, and hopefully you don't make the same mistakes or date the same people who are just wrong for you.