valuing friendship over passion
the other day, a few of my coworkers and i were having a debate on whether or not relationships are more resilient when you think of your partner as your best friend. The opinion almost seemed to be divided between the women and men, in that women said yes and men said sort of/no. and then i come across this article today touting the benefits of friendship in a committed relationship: https://www.yahoo.com/health/the-case-against-soul-mates-93440461633.html. This article links to a study done at Purdue where the evidence suggests that these benefits come from valuing friendship specifically, rather than any other aspect of the relationship (e.g., the sexual aspect).
this is huge. monumental, in fact, for my own crazy goings-on in my head. i had had a discussion with my ex about wanting that sort of best-friends-over-everything relationship, the person you come home to is the one you want to tell everything to, the first person you want to see in the morning and the last person you want to see at night. and my ex was adamantly against the idea. his view was more "this person completes me, makes me feel masculine, we have good sex" blah blah. very typical (insecure) male view. not shocking, considering his whole self-worth, self-image and self-esteem was tied to his penis. and he always believed our problems were sexual, in that he didn't feel desired. well, buddy, you can't whine and pout like a 4 year old every day and expect the ladies to drop their panties. you gotta feel desirable, act desirably, fan the flames of desire, be a great friend and person. plus, he hated himself and everything around him so much that it made life so negative, so impossibly frustrating and ridiculously difficult.
you know, i'm not looking for someone who completes me; that's so dangerous, thinking you're incomplete until you find "the one." i'm already complete. i'm happy. i'm healthy(ish). i'm strong. i don't need someone, but I do want someone to enjoy life with. I'm looking for someone to laugh through life with, hug me when i'm sad, someone to dance through the happy times with, someone who truly listens and respects my views, someone to slow down and enjoy sunsets with, and who i want to keep around for the next 40+ years. that person better be my best friend!
this is huge. monumental, in fact, for my own crazy goings-on in my head. i had had a discussion with my ex about wanting that sort of best-friends-over-everything relationship, the person you come home to is the one you want to tell everything to, the first person you want to see in the morning and the last person you want to see at night. and my ex was adamantly against the idea. his view was more "this person completes me, makes me feel masculine, we have good sex" blah blah. very typical (insecure) male view. not shocking, considering his whole self-worth, self-image and self-esteem was tied to his penis. and he always believed our problems were sexual, in that he didn't feel desired. well, buddy, you can't whine and pout like a 4 year old every day and expect the ladies to drop their panties. you gotta feel desirable, act desirably, fan the flames of desire, be a great friend and person. plus, he hated himself and everything around him so much that it made life so negative, so impossibly frustrating and ridiculously difficult.
you know, i'm not looking for someone who completes me; that's so dangerous, thinking you're incomplete until you find "the one." i'm already complete. i'm happy. i'm healthy(ish). i'm strong. i don't need someone, but I do want someone to enjoy life with. I'm looking for someone to laugh through life with, hug me when i'm sad, someone to dance through the happy times with, someone who truly listens and respects my views, someone to slow down and enjoy sunsets with, and who i want to keep around for the next 40+ years. that person better be my best friend!