From Pancakes & Porn -- Requested by Ashlee
Sunday, July 31, 2005
It's another one of those moments where I'm wondering if I'm going crazy. I'm scared. It could be a million things. It will be too.
Before GoGo I was reflecting on my past. What happened to who I was. You could write it off as Mike finally growing-up or finally learning or being slapped in the face with reality. Katherine said it best -- I'm leaving a part of me behind. I don't need it anymore. I'm done with that and who I was. I'm fine with that, but I'm scared. I don't know who I am. That is written as a declarative statement, however, it's internal-rhetorical-interrogative.
That reflecting business put me in a weird place. How did I ever get here? Seriously! How did I go from A to M? When I was living at my parents' home -- forty miles away -- I would dream of living the lifestyle I do. It's not that didn't imagine ever actually doing this, it's that I didn't realize that it wouldn't always be wonderful. That's not even the point I'm trying to make here. You know what, I'm done trying to make points. This is my journal, I'm trying to write my thoughts out. I'm going to do so.
Before the set even got started there was something weird in the air. Maybe it was just me. I kept focus on the eyes. I forgot about the physical. I used my ears to pick-up the scene, but I was using my eyes to determine what was going on inside.
I've heard she's a slut when she drinks. Lord knows I'm not a fan of hers -- talented yes, but there's a show that's always being put on -- a facade. "Don't look behind the curtain..." I'm talking about Lauren. Watching her deliver the line about spunk and pineapple juice (what came first, the spunk or the pineapple juice, I don't remember -- but they came somewhere in the montage) and seeing the cold discontent in Dan's eyes shocked me.
"How ya doin' Mike?"
"You know Dan, I can say, well, let's just say -- ah, my fuckin' sandal busted when I was crossing Lake and I kinda ruffed myself-up a bit." Pause. "You?"
"Good."
"Well alright then. I'm gonna, I'll just." Pause. "Good talkin' too ya!" I wonder if he knows I love him...
There was a change with him tonight on stage. He didn't jump as much, no So this one time, only two scenes with Lauren... Maybe more, not less. But maybe more. Not a lot though. It just seemed like something was rubbing him the wrong way and that rubbed me the wrong way. They did a fine yet. Dan really knows how to edit the scene and I think that's what I like about him.
Anyway.
At the end of FiveManJob's set -- a set that seemed to take Dan someplace else, Butch was holding him by the throat, snapped Dan's neck. Dan let gravity pull him down and forward, then back and to the left. The chair that spliced the middle, back-left side of his head was being used as the perch for an Angel (Nick Condon, original member). The chair was put there. The chair was supposed to be there. Dan was supposed to hit his head. He was supposed to bleed. He was supposed to feel pain.
I was supposed to be affected by the events of tonight. There was a light bulb that went off or exploded or is shining brightly -- something happened to me tonight. I don't know what it was or is. I can't describe it, but I know I'm scared. "I don't want to sound weird." I don't want to alienate myself because something inside of me is telling me something about myself... Boy, that's conceited!
What is about to follow is my horoscope for today. As of 11:06PM on Sunday evening, I have yet to get it. I'm going to go find it (as I try to do daily) and post it here. If it calms me, I'm going to start readying for bed. If it upsets or intrigues me, I shall continue down this dusty path of thought.
My horoscope for Sunday, July 31, 2005:
You may well feel that your life's motto is "changes". Indeed if you put this past year under a microscope, dear Cancer, you will see that you have grown as an individual. You are not the same person anymore, and you should bear in mind to keep on changing! Everything around you changes all the time. Why should you be the one left out?
Hmmm...
Of course I've grown as an individual. I'm not stationary. I've done things. Things that I said I wouldn't do, things I didn't think I could. Things I didn't know how. Things I didn't think would ever happen. Oh how much a year can change someone. Especially someone as sensitive as me.
EXACTLY One year ago today: At 1AM when Galactic Pizza ( http://www.galacticpizza.com ) closed, the staff cleaned the shop. We counted our tips and exchanged our customer war-stories from the evening. After the majority of the work had been completed, the owner "Pete," the manager "Sara," and I went into the employee lounge. We drank a few beers and smoked a bunch of pot. At 4:30 in the morning, after much conversation and giggling, the party dispersed.
I said goodnight to the owner and manager and began my four block walk home. I knew I had to stay-up because at 7AM I needed to be back at Galactic to make a pizza for Van & Cheryl of KS95. The shtick: Unbeknownst to them, Captain Fantastic was going to make a surprise delivery to their studios. Needless to say, I was uber excited to be on-air again. But it wouldn't be me, it was Captain Fantastic.
At 7:15AM, after a quick stop at Super America for a box of donuts (I always try to do the classy thing) and coffee, I arrive to find the owner's car at the restaurant, but the doors are locked. After calling his cell phone, the store number, banging on the glass and getting upset about the lack of responsibility on the owner's part, I walked in the back to find the fence open. Odd.
Approaching slowly with my luke warm coffee and unappreciated donuts, I noticed that the backdoor to the building was ajar. WTF? Sure enough, the owner was passed-out on the couch in the back. Poor little guy! He's just been puttin' his heart into this place and here's where he's living now. When I got him up and he realized he overslept, he was a little overwhelmed by the idea of making a pizza and getting it to St. Paul's KSTP studios by 8AM -- but we did it.
Captain Fantastic went on-air and chatted with the no-make-up Cheryl and some guy that wasn't Van. Dave Dahl even made an appearance. Needless to say, it went well. I went to Caribou and gloated for a bit, then worked from noon - five. After I got off I work, I had to rush home, shower and get ready for work as Captain Fantastic again that evening. However at 5:45PM I got the call.
My manager Sara called me and told me I needn't worry about coming in. "What are you talking about Sara?"
"Well Mike, we have too many driver's scheduled and --"
"Sara, I was hired before you. I was the first person that Pete hired. I was on the air today for Christssake and you're telling me that you don't need me?" I was upset and felt under-appreciated.
"Let me level with you Mike." There was a pause here that felt like an eternity. A pause that told me everything I never wanted to hear. A pause that signified that I needn't worry about ever coming into work. "We were robbed last night."
"Why can't I come in Sara?"
"You're a suspect."
My the behaviors when I was fifteen/sixteen/seventeen didn't follow me to Minneapolis. They followed me to Duluth. When I turned eighteen in Duluth and experienced the side of life I'd seen movies about, I realized that it was time to get sober and start chasing my dreams. I left the part of myself that I hate in Duluth. Since then, Duluth has never been an easy city for me to return to.
The Minneapolis Police Department had a conversation with me about $1000 that disappeared. I had a conversation with my attorney. That's all that happened. A week after I was fired, I turned in my spandex, shorts, cape, helmet, boots -- I kept the gloves, glasses, utility belt, ring, flashlight... I've never been back to Galactic Pizza. I love their pizza. I love what their doing and I'm so glad I could be apart of it, but that's a part of the past and I'm no longer apart of that it's present.
A year ago. How has a year gone by so fast? Either way, I'm happy with the accomplishments I've made. I'm proud of myself for different things that happened along the way. Change has brought positive things into my life. Change has pushed me in different directions that I may have been apprehensive to try a year ago, but now I main the motto of "She worries for me..." Regardless if only a small part of that is true, it makes me smile to know that I have someone to tell my secrets to and -- a motto.
In hindsight, I may be scared of two things: A) the fact that we don't have control ever and B) that my body senses the Universe bringing it.
I do feel better. Goodnight world.
It's another one of those moments where I'm wondering if I'm going crazy. I'm scared. It could be a million things. It will be too.
Before GoGo I was reflecting on my past. What happened to who I was. You could write it off as Mike finally growing-up or finally learning or being slapped in the face with reality. Katherine said it best -- I'm leaving a part of me behind. I don't need it anymore. I'm done with that and who I was. I'm fine with that, but I'm scared. I don't know who I am. That is written as a declarative statement, however, it's internal-rhetorical-interrogative.
That reflecting business put me in a weird place. How did I ever get here? Seriously! How did I go from A to M? When I was living at my parents' home -- forty miles away -- I would dream of living the lifestyle I do. It's not that didn't imagine ever actually doing this, it's that I didn't realize that it wouldn't always be wonderful. That's not even the point I'm trying to make here. You know what, I'm done trying to make points. This is my journal, I'm trying to write my thoughts out. I'm going to do so.
Before the set even got started there was something weird in the air. Maybe it was just me. I kept focus on the eyes. I forgot about the physical. I used my ears to pick-up the scene, but I was using my eyes to determine what was going on inside.
I've heard she's a slut when she drinks. Lord knows I'm not a fan of hers -- talented yes, but there's a show that's always being put on -- a facade. "Don't look behind the curtain..." I'm talking about Lauren. Watching her deliver the line about spunk and pineapple juice (what came first, the spunk or the pineapple juice, I don't remember -- but they came somewhere in the montage) and seeing the cold discontent in Dan's eyes shocked me.
"How ya doin' Mike?"
"You know Dan, I can say, well, let's just say -- ah, my fuckin' sandal busted when I was crossing Lake and I kinda ruffed myself-up a bit." Pause. "You?"
"Good."
"Well alright then. I'm gonna, I'll just." Pause. "Good talkin' too ya!" I wonder if he knows I love him...
There was a change with him tonight on stage. He didn't jump as much, no So this one time, only two scenes with Lauren... Maybe more, not less. But maybe more. Not a lot though. It just seemed like something was rubbing him the wrong way and that rubbed me the wrong way. They did a fine yet. Dan really knows how to edit the scene and I think that's what I like about him.
Anyway.
At the end of FiveManJob's set -- a set that seemed to take Dan someplace else, Butch was holding him by the throat, snapped Dan's neck. Dan let gravity pull him down and forward, then back and to the left. The chair that spliced the middle, back-left side of his head was being used as the perch for an Angel (Nick Condon, original member). The chair was put there. The chair was supposed to be there. Dan was supposed to hit his head. He was supposed to bleed. He was supposed to feel pain.
I was supposed to be affected by the events of tonight. There was a light bulb that went off or exploded or is shining brightly -- something happened to me tonight. I don't know what it was or is. I can't describe it, but I know I'm scared. "I don't want to sound weird." I don't want to alienate myself because something inside of me is telling me something about myself... Boy, that's conceited!
What is about to follow is my horoscope for today. As of 11:06PM on Sunday evening, I have yet to get it. I'm going to go find it (as I try to do daily) and post it here. If it calms me, I'm going to start readying for bed. If it upsets or intrigues me, I shall continue down this dusty path of thought.
My horoscope for Sunday, July 31, 2005:
You may well feel that your life's motto is "changes". Indeed if you put this past year under a microscope, dear Cancer, you will see that you have grown as an individual. You are not the same person anymore, and you should bear in mind to keep on changing! Everything around you changes all the time. Why should you be the one left out?
Hmmm...
Of course I've grown as an individual. I'm not stationary. I've done things. Things that I said I wouldn't do, things I didn't think I could. Things I didn't know how. Things I didn't think would ever happen. Oh how much a year can change someone. Especially someone as sensitive as me.
EXACTLY One year ago today: At 1AM when Galactic Pizza ( http://www.galacticpizza.com ) closed, the staff cleaned the shop. We counted our tips and exchanged our customer war-stories from the evening. After the majority of the work had been completed, the owner "Pete," the manager "Sara," and I went into the employee lounge. We drank a few beers and smoked a bunch of pot. At 4:30 in the morning, after much conversation and giggling, the party dispersed.
I said goodnight to the owner and manager and began my four block walk home. I knew I had to stay-up because at 7AM I needed to be back at Galactic to make a pizza for Van & Cheryl of KS95. The shtick: Unbeknownst to them, Captain Fantastic was going to make a surprise delivery to their studios. Needless to say, I was uber excited to be on-air again. But it wouldn't be me, it was Captain Fantastic.
At 7:15AM, after a quick stop at Super America for a box of donuts (I always try to do the classy thing) and coffee, I arrive to find the owner's car at the restaurant, but the doors are locked. After calling his cell phone, the store number, banging on the glass and getting upset about the lack of responsibility on the owner's part, I walked in the back to find the fence open. Odd.
Approaching slowly with my luke warm coffee and unappreciated donuts, I noticed that the backdoor to the building was ajar. WTF? Sure enough, the owner was passed-out on the couch in the back. Poor little guy! He's just been puttin' his heart into this place and here's where he's living now. When I got him up and he realized he overslept, he was a little overwhelmed by the idea of making a pizza and getting it to St. Paul's KSTP studios by 8AM -- but we did it.
Captain Fantastic went on-air and chatted with the no-make-up Cheryl and some guy that wasn't Van. Dave Dahl even made an appearance. Needless to say, it went well. I went to Caribou and gloated for a bit, then worked from noon - five. After I got off I work, I had to rush home, shower and get ready for work as Captain Fantastic again that evening. However at 5:45PM I got the call.
My manager Sara called me and told me I needn't worry about coming in. "What are you talking about Sara?"
"Well Mike, we have too many driver's scheduled and --"
"Sara, I was hired before you. I was the first person that Pete hired. I was on the air today for Christssake and you're telling me that you don't need me?" I was upset and felt under-appreciated.
"Let me level with you Mike." There was a pause here that felt like an eternity. A pause that told me everything I never wanted to hear. A pause that signified that I needn't worry about ever coming into work. "We were robbed last night."
"Why can't I come in Sara?"
"You're a suspect."
My the behaviors when I was fifteen/sixteen/seventeen didn't follow me to Minneapolis. They followed me to Duluth. When I turned eighteen in Duluth and experienced the side of life I'd seen movies about, I realized that it was time to get sober and start chasing my dreams. I left the part of myself that I hate in Duluth. Since then, Duluth has never been an easy city for me to return to.
The Minneapolis Police Department had a conversation with me about $1000 that disappeared. I had a conversation with my attorney. That's all that happened. A week after I was fired, I turned in my spandex, shorts, cape, helmet, boots -- I kept the gloves, glasses, utility belt, ring, flashlight... I've never been back to Galactic Pizza. I love their pizza. I love what their doing and I'm so glad I could be apart of it, but that's a part of the past and I'm no longer apart of that it's present.
A year ago. How has a year gone by so fast? Either way, I'm happy with the accomplishments I've made. I'm proud of myself for different things that happened along the way. Change has brought positive things into my life. Change has pushed me in different directions that I may have been apprehensive to try a year ago, but now I main the motto of "She worries for me..." Regardless if only a small part of that is true, it makes me smile to know that I have someone to tell my secrets to and -- a motto.
In hindsight, I may be scared of two things: A) the fact that we don't have control ever and B) that my body senses the Universe bringing it.
I do feel better. Goodnight world.