(no subject)
Todays nice.. so far.. the past 24ish hours have actually been pretty kind to me... last night at work i kept getting these waves of happiness.. like i couldnt stop smiling and i was cheerful and casual and cool with all the customers... it was a little frightening.. but at the same time it was refreshing. i havent felt unexplainedly happy in a while.. some kind of feleing in the air and everyone liked me and i felt calm..
after work i went home and cleaned my fucking room.. then went to jennys and watched Madonna Truth or Dare.. i am in love with that woman.. then i watched the bourne identity and supremacy... fucking awesome movies!!! now im here at fucking re/max keeping my friend company.. me and her talked a lot about growing up last night.. while watching Madonna and like how shes 46 and isnt the same as when she was doing blonde ambition.. and how all of our role models and idols are getting a little older and will soon be considered "old." it just freaks meout.. completely... made me realize that nobody is invincible, not even the wildest, most free spirited and magical people.. not even they are able to stop the signs of time and aging...
so why the fuck cant i comprehend this and start caring for myself? why dont i take this lesson to heart and stop hurting my body--the only body that i will ever have--with all the toxins and pollutants that i expose it to? why is it that i cant fully grasp the fact that i am only going to live once? and that this life, my life, will eventually come to an end and i wont get any second chances to live it up? i am not going to be able to "do what i always wanted to do" if i am dead and gone... when am i ever going to work up the balls to do anything if i dont do it now? i have always been a very introverted person.. always thinking never speaking.. and i was o.k. with that.. and to an extent that is apart of me that i cant get rid of.. but i need to realize that what i withold--what i dont get out makes the whole act of thinking, pointless. what i dont express is just going to sit inside me.. and even though i may think that keepping it in will keep it safe, in reality, i stifle it and cause its eventual death.. all these thoughts are coming through and i cant get them down right.. this post probably doesnt make any sense.. but i dont care.. i will understand it when i look back at it.. i just dont want to forget this moment of realization..
i dont want to go on living my life like i have the past couple of years.. numb and blind and careless.. i have been lazy and foolish...
i want to really live .. i want to be creative and experience new things.. i want to feel things and go somewhere... i dont want to be afraid or tired... i want to start taking care of myself. physically, mentally and spiritually.. and not just let everything just slide... .. god i hope i can keep all these promises to myself...
we shall see
~J
after work i went home and cleaned my fucking room.. then went to jennys and watched Madonna Truth or Dare.. i am in love with that woman.. then i watched the bourne identity and supremacy... fucking awesome movies!!! now im here at fucking re/max keeping my friend company.. me and her talked a lot about growing up last night.. while watching Madonna and like how shes 46 and isnt the same as when she was doing blonde ambition.. and how all of our role models and idols are getting a little older and will soon be considered "old." it just freaks meout.. completely... made me realize that nobody is invincible, not even the wildest, most free spirited and magical people.. not even they are able to stop the signs of time and aging...
so why the fuck cant i comprehend this and start caring for myself? why dont i take this lesson to heart and stop hurting my body--the only body that i will ever have--with all the toxins and pollutants that i expose it to? why is it that i cant fully grasp the fact that i am only going to live once? and that this life, my life, will eventually come to an end and i wont get any second chances to live it up? i am not going to be able to "do what i always wanted to do" if i am dead and gone... when am i ever going to work up the balls to do anything if i dont do it now? i have always been a very introverted person.. always thinking never speaking.. and i was o.k. with that.. and to an extent that is apart of me that i cant get rid of.. but i need to realize that what i withold--what i dont get out makes the whole act of thinking, pointless. what i dont express is just going to sit inside me.. and even though i may think that keepping it in will keep it safe, in reality, i stifle it and cause its eventual death.. all these thoughts are coming through and i cant get them down right.. this post probably doesnt make any sense.. but i dont care.. i will understand it when i look back at it.. i just dont want to forget this moment of realization..
i dont want to go on living my life like i have the past couple of years.. numb and blind and careless.. i have been lazy and foolish...
i want to really live .. i want to be creative and experience new things.. i want to feel things and go somewhere... i dont want to be afraid or tired... i want to start taking care of myself. physically, mentally and spiritually.. and not just let everything just slide... .. god i hope i can keep all these promises to myself...
we shall see
~J