Life is so lonely

[stagecrewalter]

Well the last week of the quarter and all I have managed to accomplish is two lab shows doing both the lighting and sound for. My overall GPA is going to be down emensely. I probably won't be making the dean's list for the first time since fall quarter freshmen year. Oh well...I know that doing two labs should be a major accomplishment but it just does not feel like it is. Maybe because I feel like I have not been available for anyone to talk to through all of their hard times. Sometimes I feel like the only people that I talk to are my parents and just the randomn hellos in the theatre building. I miss my friends from high school. It is times like right now that I feel like I should have gone to Wright State. I know that I cannot change where I decided to go now but I just miss talking to people. I have been bottling up all of my emotions for two years it seems like. I know that should let my emotions out but I just do not know how to deal with all of the emotions that keep coming up. I guess the one emotion that keeps coming back is the fact that I feel alone. I know that if I would just pick up the phone and call someone they would talk to me but I just feel like I can't just pick the phone up to try to talk because I do not know what people have been up to. I also do not have an extremely close friend here at school. Matter of fact I feel sometimes that I lost all of those close friends down here at the beginning of sophomore year. It is like all of the close connections got lost when everyone was divided into the acting/playwrighting/ and design, which in the design program does not mean that you will actually get to see anyone else in the program. The other feeling that keeps coming up is the fact that I feel like the outsider when I go home. Yes I did some awful things my freshmen year in college but I regret them completely. Matter of fact I wish that I had never laid eyes on OU at times. One of the main reasons that I feel like such an outsider is because it seems like all of my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends who they want to spend all of their time with. I do not mind that you want to spend time with your boyfriends and girlfriends but I guess that I just wish that I had someone to share the same emotions and time with just like the majority of my friends. I know that you can't do anything about my troubles but I thought that I would let everyone know before I came home for Christmas. Hey sometimes the old crushes come back like a hurricane, just tearing up my insides. Sometimes I feel like I should have stayed with Jeff so that I could have the comfort of him in my life. That is one of the first friendships that I destoryed with my feelings. Everytime that I admit my feelings about someone they seem to not want to talk to me anymore, even if nothing has happened romantically. This could be the reason why I will never find someone to love me. My one roommate has got a boyfriend who seems to care for her with all of his heart while the other has some many fellows pining over her that I never know what I should say when I address the door and she is not there. In the beginning of the quarter at least I had one roommate who did not have a fellow so we could do fun stuff together but now there is no time to even talk about school. The final feeling that keeps coming back is my serious health risks about my weight. I know that I need to lose the excess fat from my body but I guess that it is so hard to concentrate on losing weight when you do not have the emotional support to lose the weight. Subconciously, I know that I have the support that is needed for me to lose the weight but I have to break my emotional attachment to food. I do not need the food to make me happy. I have to be willing to do it on my own.

Well, I thought I would tell everyone that I will be in this weekend so give me a call preferably on the cellphone. I will be in town friday through Sunday. I will be in town on Monday but I will be studying for my final English exam. I will talk to everyone later. I know that my life will get better.