(no subject)
Today was so fucking shitty. I thought it would be ok but of course no. It actually started last night. It wa me and Mikes one year anniversary. I was actually really excited for some reason. It's not like we were going out to celebrate or anything. I worked until 9 and at work I was so excited and I was telling everyone! So then he picked me up from work and we went back to his house. I aske dhim if he wanted to stay over. I just wanted to spend time with him on our one year ya know. He said he needed to take a shower so i told him I was gonna go home and work on my paper and told him to come over when he was finished with his shower. Well......after 2 hours of sitting at home I was getting a little upset. I didn't know wether to be worried or pissed. I didn't know if he had gotten in a car accident or if he just wasn't coming. I decided to go over there to see what was going on. When I walked in he was sitting in Davids room playing GTA. I was pissed. I said nothing. I just gave him "the look". He said there was a big fight and he's dad was being a dick as usual and told him he couldn't go anywhere. First of all....that's never stopped him from going anywhere before. That didn't really piss me off though. I understood that he didn't want to cause another fight with his dad. But didn't I deserve a phone call. I told him that's all I wanted. It's our one year and he didn't even care enough to call me and say he couldn't come and goodnight and that he loved me? Anyway I left there being pretty pissed off because he's already done this to me this week and i told him the same thing. Plus our anniversary was also my moms b-day and he just made the day even worse for me. So anyway, I decided that I was just going to let him call me because I'm tired of being ditched and treated like he doesn't care. Then after school I was on my way to pick up my cell when I ended up a couple cars behind him. I decided to fallow him so I could say hi. When I drove by him in the best buy parking lot he was shaking his head and giving me a pissed of look. I got out of the car and asked why he was shaking his head at me. I automatically get a " WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!?" I asked what i did, calmly I might ad, and he freaks out at me asking me where I went on thanksgiving after he left. Well....I stayed home with my family, talked to my dad on the phone, then played piano for three hous before going to sleep. Well...........he didn't belive me because I guess "everyone" at speedway and meijer was telling him different. They said that I called Rodney that night and that i went to hang out with him and we did shit together. Supposedly Rodney told everyone this. So he screamed at me for about 45 minutes and I was calm the whole time. You know why? BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO SHIT! I love him.....I didn't cheat ono him with Rodney the 4 other times he accused me of it and I didn't do it this time either. Basically he made me feel like this whole year has been a waste because if he really loved me he wouldn't belive the same fuckers who jumped him at 2 in the morning and who were calling his house and stalking him. But for some reason he belives these kids over the woman he "loves". Bullshit he loves me. I'm just the only girl who he ever slept with and the only girl that would put up with his bullshit for this long. I have to say I love him more than anything but even if he decides to belive me I don't think I could stay with him. Everytime this happens it's because he's had a bad day and then he hears something said....turns it around to mean much worse, and then goes off on me and basically accuses me of being a slut. I'm sick of it. As much as I love him, I don't deserve that. I know that I haven't been very trustworthy with past boyfriends but I've always been upfront with Mike, even when I was still seeing Rodney and starting seeing Mike too. Of course Mike seems to forget the fact that Rodney was the one who was upset because he didn't know about me and Mike. He thinks it was the other way around but he has known everything that has gone on with me and Rodney because i haven't anything from him. Well, he thinks I hide everything from him, including the fact that I'm pregnant. Hmmmm......pregnant. THAT'S NEWS TO ME! We haven't had sex in so long I think I would know if I was pregnant by now and I think he would be able to tell too. He's the one who's had constant mood swings and nausea for the past month. Maybe he's gonna pop a kid out his ass or something but there's deffinataly not one growin inside me. Plus I think I would tell him a HUGE thing like that. No, I'm just gonna get fat and randomly pop out a kid without him knowing. What a fucking ass hole! I hate that I love him. Why can't I just find a guy who loves me and knows me. Why can't I not fall in love with guys that treat me like shit. Oh and you know what else I find rediculous! I told him straight up, and it's even in a journal entry which I had him read, that I had feelings for Brian when we broke up for that month. But he didn't care. We were together and he wasn't worried. But oh, for some reason when there a rumors about me wanting Rodney it's so much worse! IT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING! LAY OFF YOU FUCKING PRICK! LEARN TO TRUST THE ONES YOU LOVE OR YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST HIDE IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF NOWHERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE NOONES EVER GOING TO BE WITH YOU! But I was. I was with him for a year and I wish I could be with him forever but not if he can't realize that I love him and I'm not going to do that shit with him. You know, tonight he even told me that he cheated on me. It came from his own mouth not someone elses. And you know what. I just simply and calmy asked who with and when because I knew he couldn't do that. He's not the cheating kind. He can't cheat on me because he loves me. Now is that trust or what!? Coming from his own mouth and I didn't even belive it. Why can't he be that way with me? Why can't he belive the words that come out of my mouth when I'm looking into his eyes telling him how much I love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He's been saying that he wants to hang out with his freinds more but the one day he doesn't hang out with me he hears this shit and belives it because we weren't together for a night. WTF!?!?! He can call my aunt if he doesn't fucking belive me! I told her about this and she laughed and agreed when i called him a jerk. His own freind even knows I was home that night because I was online. Now I'm sorry........but if I had my tongue down Rodneys throat I don't very well think I could be typing to people online at the same time. I can barely talk and type at the same time so how the fuck could I do that? Well........I just need to decide what to do. Leave him alone and let him disappear from my life forever, because that's what he'll do like a litte pre-teen who doesn't want to face his problems. Or should I keep pluggin on telling him the truth and getting him to stop being an idiot? Or maybe just wait and see what happens as freinds, which won't happen because he says he can't be freinds because he loves me too much. But of course he doesn't love me enough to trust me and to belive that I love him enough to to be a dumbass and cheat on him with Rodney. Whatever! This whole thing is fucking retarted and I'm starting to wish that I had never gotten together with him. Obviously we were much better as best friends but he's to incompetant to even do that.