the past takes flight
today has been the longest day here so far...not in a bad way, but not in a good way either..
while discussing how far one is able to come in a year's worth of time, i decided to check out exactly where i was a year ago today via livejournal. one day turns into a whole history of my livejournal history. talk a bout a skip in the past....more like a LOONNNGGG stroll..
it amazes me to see where I was...what i was saying...what i believed...when all along i knew it wasn't true...i was this shell of society..this concave mold of my parents...i wanted so badly to be happy that i convinced myself that i was...when in reality i was crumbling to dust of tears and pain...
though i feel like i should be "wow look how far i've come" i just feel...maybe not as extreme as depressed, but definitely deflated...life took so much energy...and i could feel the exhaustion through reading my entries...it's so upsetting to me that I had to go through it..that anyone would have to...but on the plus side....the worst part is OVER
...i remember the days in philli when i woke up and went to sleep not knowing who i was...living each day sitting at the meal table aimlessly drawing rainbows for hours on end..numb out of tears knowing the person i've carried for 19 years was not me..knowing that i was in there somewhere but had no idea how to find me...how to begin making up for 19 years of LIFE...and just reading about that life i had is frustrating to me...i want to hate it, but really...i just feel bad for it...
does anyone know who they really are?
it is a neverending quest...a journey which ends the day we die...but as our souls still soar the universe we are still searching. we will always be searching...and i think i'm okay with that...i don't want to know exactly who i am all at one time...what else do i have to learn if i don't?
each time i fall in love, i don't want it to be the same...
each time someone gets taken away from me i want to mourn differently...
life permits so much diversity...why do we want to figure it all out now?
let's just live...and be merry...and fall in love...and dream...and be infatuated...and crush...and smile...and travel...and search...and talk...and keep talking...and don't be anything that anyone else wants you to be...
.. enjoy a breath of life...
it's free
while discussing how far one is able to come in a year's worth of time, i decided to check out exactly where i was a year ago today via livejournal. one day turns into a whole history of my livejournal history. talk a bout a skip in the past....more like a LOONNNGGG stroll..
it amazes me to see where I was...what i was saying...what i believed...when all along i knew it wasn't true...i was this shell of society..this concave mold of my parents...i wanted so badly to be happy that i convinced myself that i was...when in reality i was crumbling to dust of tears and pain...
though i feel like i should be "wow look how far i've come" i just feel...maybe not as extreme as depressed, but definitely deflated...life took so much energy...and i could feel the exhaustion through reading my entries...it's so upsetting to me that I had to go through it..that anyone would have to...but on the plus side....the worst part is OVER
...i remember the days in philli when i woke up and went to sleep not knowing who i was...living each day sitting at the meal table aimlessly drawing rainbows for hours on end..numb out of tears knowing the person i've carried for 19 years was not me..knowing that i was in there somewhere but had no idea how to find me...how to begin making up for 19 years of LIFE...and just reading about that life i had is frustrating to me...i want to hate it, but really...i just feel bad for it...
does anyone know who they really are?
it is a neverending quest...a journey which ends the day we die...but as our souls still soar the universe we are still searching. we will always be searching...and i think i'm okay with that...i don't want to know exactly who i am all at one time...what else do i have to learn if i don't?
each time i fall in love, i don't want it to be the same...
each time someone gets taken away from me i want to mourn differently...
life permits so much diversity...why do we want to figure it all out now?
let's just live...and be merry...and fall in love...and dream...and be infatuated...and crush...and smile...and travel...and search...and talk...and keep talking...and don't be anything that anyone else wants you to be...
.. enjoy a breath of life...
it's free