Breaking up is hard to do...
You would think it would get easier, ya know? I am not a spring chicken anymore, and lord knows I am not naïve. Yet, the whole “break up” thing is just so damn exhausting. It bring about so many things that you don’t want to deal with and it is made even harder by the fact that there is no bad feelings between the two of us…and eventually we want to be ‘friends’ The only thing that does is make things confusing.
You see, it is easy to move on when you breakup with someone because you don’t love them. Alternatively, because they cheated on you or whatever. Closure is easily obtainable when those scenarios are what you are going through. But it is much harder when you really, really, care for that person, but you both realize that there are just too many things you cannot get past.
With that, you are just sitting at home missing that person, but knowing contacting them may be a mistake. It is hard cuz there are not rules on how to handle the situation when it is that kind of breakup. How much can you talk to each other? What is that line you don’t’ want to cross of missing someone and showing up at their apartment unexpectedly. It is hard to figure that part out.
I miss her. That is the truth of it. But I also know that we have to walk a very fine line in regards to how we communicate with each other. It has been almost four weeks since we broke up and our communication has been sporadic. But we have talked from time to time and it is still strange to us. This really came to a head in the last couple of days when we have been speaking a lot more than before.
Now the last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt Jenn. She knows this and I think that is one of the reasons why it is not as nasty as it could be. However, I also don’t want to confuse her, either. Which is hard considering how confused I am with my own life at this point. Too much is going on with the job search, money crunch, family issues, and now this. So I spend most of the time a bit confused. J But I don’t want to confuse her and make anything more difficult for her. So I have to be careful with letting my own confusion affect her in any way.
So the bottom line is this. I don’t want her out of my life and we are going to try to be friends. This will not be easy for either of us, but I do care for her very much and do not want to do anything that hurts her. Well, more than I already have.
Then it is back in the saddle of dating again. I am 39 years old and lord knows each time I have to start this again, it is even more difficult (at least it seems that way). I do believe there is someone out there for me; I just wish I were a bit more patient.