YEAH YEAH

[staceyfigueroa]

Well another holiday out of the way. I don’t know if they are getting better or worse. It is hard to tell. I mean it goes without saying (to those of you that know me) that I hate the holiday season. I just don’t get into it. I think it is overrated and under appreciated. Plus, I don’t know, I have done this rant about ten times already…I am sick of hearing myself make it. All I know is that I don’t enjoy myself the way I think I am supposed to. Maybe if I had someone to share it with it would be different but I don’t know if that will ever happen so as it stands…I don’t like the holidays. I never know what to get people…I never feel like I belong anywhere. It is like I don’t fit in the way I am supposed to. I always feel like I am the one doing all the caring in the relationship. Like the people that I care about just don’t get how much I care about them (John, my dad) or they don’t give a shit either way (JR, most of my exes). I don’t know what it is about me. I try so hard not to be a bitch or to be unreasonable. But then I feel like I end up being taken advantage of. I know that I am not perfect (who is) but I do think that over all I am a good person. I am not a top 10 model (let’s face it I don’t even make the top 500) but I am not the ugliest or fattest person in the world so why is it so difficult to feel secure in a relationship? I see people out there that have someone and they look worse than I do. I don’t get it. And of course this feeling is always exasperated around the holidays.

I would love to get married and have kids but I have come to the realization that, that is never going to happen. Most of the time I am okay with that. I don’t get those feelings of longing every single time I go into a clothing store…maybe every 3rd time. That is progress for me, but now I am thinking about all the holiday memories that I am never gonna have. IT SUCKS! Okay I think I have gotten all that off my chest. Not that anyone cares anyway.