And now for more TALES!...from...the retirement..Village!
Hey people!
We're going to take a slight break from "Of Beast and Beauty" release coverage (It's out in 4 DAYS! Four days! But you have until August 8th to pre-order from Hicklebee's, so get over there if you haven't yet: http://hicklebees.com/event/stacey-jay-august-8 )
And now for TALES..FROM...THE RETIREMENT...VILLAGE!
For anyone who hasn't been following this series of blog posts, here's the scoop:
The back story: I was visiting/living with my mother for the first 1/3 of the summer. She lives in a retirement village, a 20,000 acre gated community inhabited by old people (mostly), who enjoy nothing more than eating dinner at 4 p.m., being suspicious of outsiders, reporting Village Covenant violations, getting angry when people drive through the entrance gate without giving their name, and playing golf. Lots and lots of golf. And also sometimes being crazy and driving very slow. It is a funny/disturbing/awesome/strange place.
It also has the most hysterical police reports ever. And because my mother is a peach and appreciates/helped foster my sick sense of humor, she has continued to send me clippings every week. *basks in the glow of motherly love*
And because I love you, I share these tales...
From the "Hot Springs Village Voice June and July 2013"
"Officers responded to many calls of illicit fireworks, excessive noise, unusual boating, and other activities..."
(I'm excited already, are you? Unusual boating sounds delightfully scandalous.)
"A resident complained that golfers hit her home with a ball and that the players were 'arrogant' in response to her demand for them to leave her property."
(Nothing worse than an arrogant golfer. Except maybe an arrogant bowler or badminton player.)
"A man known for inebriation was told to leave neighbors alone and not walk around the neighborhood intoxicated lest he be arrested for public intoxication. The man found it difficult to believe that he couldn't walk around his own neighborhood while intoxicated."
(What is the world coming to? When you can't even walk around your own neighborhood slobbery drunk and belligerent? It's communism, man. Communism!!)
"A local healthcare facility reported a complaint by a resident that an employee had laughed at him."
(If I'd known I could report people to the police for laughing at me, fourth grade would have played out differently. WAY differently.)
"POA staff, preparing for July 4th activities reported a couple repeatedly trying and failing to trailer a boat and arguing with each other. Officers found the couple too inebriated to stand and unable to complete the task. After repeatedly refusing to take direction from officers, the couple was arrested for public intoxication"
(Unusual boating indeed... Hugs not drugs, kids. Especially when boating.)
"A resident accidentally stayed on the premises of a storage facility beyond closing time and was locked inside before being released back into the wild."
(I'm assuming this means the resident was a werewolf. Or maybe a man-bear-pig. Either way, it was nice of officers to release him/her back into the wild.)
"An XXXX Lane resident reported a noise coming from the home of a neighbor, who was out of town. She also reported that her dog stared at the house. An officer found nothing amiss."
(Probably because the neighbor had turned into a werewolf, but was already locked into the storage facility. There's no other logical explanation.)
"A naked man was reported sitting in his truck near Lake XXXX...The man said he'd been swimming the night before with his 'wife' but they'd had an argument. She swam off, took his clothes, and left in her own car. He swam in and found that his truck wouldn't start...The officer told the man not to be walking around while awaiting his brother."
(Good advice. I really want to know why "wife" is in quotes, however? There is an untold story in those quotes...)
"A resident complained that kids on an operating pontoon boat were dangling their legs over the side. The boat wasn't found."
(Damn kids!! Keep your feet out of the water! There will be NO FUN ALLOWED on this old person lake!)
"A resident reported having returned from walking her dog to find that her porch light wouldn't work and that her dog was barking. And officer found the light switch and turned it on...The resident apologized for the inconvenience and thanked the officer."
(Aw. I kind of want to hug this lady and sweep her porch for her. I also want to assure her dementia isn't to blame. I do things like this all the time. I forgot my address yesterday and couldn't remember it for the life of me and I'm half her age. I also have to change my banking password every month because I can't remember it between one bill paying cycle and the next.)
Tune in next time for more TALES...FROM...THE....RETIREMENT VILLAGE!
And I'll be back in a few days with more OF BEAST AND BEAUTY release week fun.
Stacey
We're going to take a slight break from "Of Beast and Beauty" release coverage (It's out in 4 DAYS! Four days! But you have until August 8th to pre-order from Hicklebee's, so get over there if you haven't yet: http://hicklebees.com/event/stacey-jay-august-8 )
And now for TALES..FROM...THE RETIREMENT...VILLAGE!
For anyone who hasn't been following this series of blog posts, here's the scoop:
The back story: I was visiting/living with my mother for the first 1/3 of the summer. She lives in a retirement village, a 20,000 acre gated community inhabited by old people (mostly), who enjoy nothing more than eating dinner at 4 p.m., being suspicious of outsiders, reporting Village Covenant violations, getting angry when people drive through the entrance gate without giving their name, and playing golf. Lots and lots of golf. And also sometimes being crazy and driving very slow. It is a funny/disturbing/awesome/strange place.
It also has the most hysterical police reports ever. And because my mother is a peach and appreciates/helped foster my sick sense of humor, she has continued to send me clippings every week. *basks in the glow of motherly love*
And because I love you, I share these tales...
From the "Hot Springs Village Voice June and July 2013"
"Officers responded to many calls of illicit fireworks, excessive noise, unusual boating, and other activities..."
(I'm excited already, are you? Unusual boating sounds delightfully scandalous.)
"A resident complained that golfers hit her home with a ball and that the players were 'arrogant' in response to her demand for them to leave her property."
(Nothing worse than an arrogant golfer. Except maybe an arrogant bowler or badminton player.)
"A man known for inebriation was told to leave neighbors alone and not walk around the neighborhood intoxicated lest he be arrested for public intoxication. The man found it difficult to believe that he couldn't walk around his own neighborhood while intoxicated."
(What is the world coming to? When you can't even walk around your own neighborhood slobbery drunk and belligerent? It's communism, man. Communism!!)
"A local healthcare facility reported a complaint by a resident that an employee had laughed at him."
(If I'd known I could report people to the police for laughing at me, fourth grade would have played out differently. WAY differently.)
"POA staff, preparing for July 4th activities reported a couple repeatedly trying and failing to trailer a boat and arguing with each other. Officers found the couple too inebriated to stand and unable to complete the task. After repeatedly refusing to take direction from officers, the couple was arrested for public intoxication"
(Unusual boating indeed... Hugs not drugs, kids. Especially when boating.)
"A resident accidentally stayed on the premises of a storage facility beyond closing time and was locked inside before being released back into the wild."
(I'm assuming this means the resident was a werewolf. Or maybe a man-bear-pig. Either way, it was nice of officers to release him/her back into the wild.)
"An XXXX Lane resident reported a noise coming from the home of a neighbor, who was out of town. She also reported that her dog stared at the house. An officer found nothing amiss."
(Probably because the neighbor had turned into a werewolf, but was already locked into the storage facility. There's no other logical explanation.)
"A naked man was reported sitting in his truck near Lake XXXX...The man said he'd been swimming the night before with his 'wife' but they'd had an argument. She swam off, took his clothes, and left in her own car. He swam in and found that his truck wouldn't start...The officer told the man not to be walking around while awaiting his brother."
(Good advice. I really want to know why "wife" is in quotes, however? There is an untold story in those quotes...)
"A resident complained that kids on an operating pontoon boat were dangling their legs over the side. The boat wasn't found."
(Damn kids!! Keep your feet out of the water! There will be NO FUN ALLOWED on this old person lake!)
"A resident reported having returned from walking her dog to find that her porch light wouldn't work and that her dog was barking. And officer found the light switch and turned it on...The resident apologized for the inconvenience and thanked the officer."
(Aw. I kind of want to hug this lady and sweep her porch for her. I also want to assure her dementia isn't to blame. I do things like this all the time. I forgot my address yesterday and couldn't remember it for the life of me and I'm half her age. I also have to change my banking password every month because I can't remember it between one bill paying cycle and the next.)
Tune in next time for more TALES...FROM...THE....RETIREMENT VILLAGE!
And I'll be back in a few days with more OF BEAST AND BEAUTY release week fun.
Stacey