(no subject)
i still havent heard about the job at creative world.. its been 3 weeks, im starting to give up on the idea.. i cant keep holding out for these things, times are too hard. i couldve been working these past 3 weeks instead of sitting here with my fingers crossed. and while i really want this job, its like a dream of mine to work with children.. its not seeming so practical.. its a half hour away, and pays minimun wage.. not totally worth it.. it offers lots of room to advance.. but im not in the position to ride it out right now, i need something substantial, imediately.. i dont know..
i really want to move out of here and in with either nicole or matt- which whole other problem they both think im gonna get a place with them.. i dont know what im gonna do about that when the time comes, but im only crossing one bridge at a time- its about all i can handle right now haha.
i think im gonna start looking at like banks and stuff like that in between matts house and here.. im obviously not limiting myself to that, but im more focused on that area- of course ill take whatever i can right now. im just so tired of "waiting it out" and "plugging along" i need some definet change, some big positive movement.. i cant stay so stagnant anymore. lets get this ball rolling please.
something else on my mind.. once in a while the fact that matt has a daughter has been bothering me.. not the fact that he has a child,i love kaylee, shes fantastic! its the fact that he had a child with another woman.. it just pangs at the back of my mind lately. i hate that i get that feeling.. this is the first that ive actually aknowledged it.. i know we all have a past, and i know he doesnt care about her anymore.. but theres this like- blatent proof standing in front of me that he had strong enough feelings for someone else to have a child with them.. and then of course my imagination goes into full gear and i start thinking about things i dont want to think about. i know i can get jealous sometimes, but im usually very good at keeping it in check- but this is different.. i dont know, i can usually shut it down right away, because he loves kaylee, and i love how he is with her. and i know he loves me.. i know theres no one else, and there never would be. hes not that guy.. i dont think its in his genetic make-up to know how to cheat on someone, hes far too good hearted. but my imagination just starts going and i start thinking about how he cared about this girl at one time, and if he was there through her pregnancy, and the delivery etc.. and all the emotion that comes with that, and i get so jealous.. maybe thats not the best word.. i dont know.. even just writing it out here, my stomach is getting kind of upset :/ i dont know what to do about it..