Oh noes! My diary is self-absorbed!
Like a sponge!
I don't know what is wrong with me these days. Everything is, on the one hand, wonderful. It's the same stuff I've been doing all summer, hanging out with these people, eating food, playing the WoW. On the other hand, I recently learned a new word. Estivation. To pass one's summer in a torpor. And I knew exactly what this word meant. I have been living La Vida Estivation.
I am yelling at Mike for no reason. I just did it, just a few minutes ago. I don't know how to fix it, either, because he turned around and walked right back out of the house rather than deal with me. I think that was probably the right thing to do on his part. I could see myself doing it, from a thirdperson perspective and the sports commentator in my brain was saying "Ooh, we see a rehash of that same fight from two years ago? Will the competitor do better than his predecessor?" I don't want this. I don't want us to go down the way Brett and I did, but he comes in and I've been alone and miserable for several hours and I just can't seem to stop myself from giving the withering looks and the hateful tone in my voice.
I think it's partly that I didn't get The Big Job, that I'm depressed over that, that they went with the person with all the experience rather than the person who wanted it so bad it made her teeth ache. I wanted that, the business cards and the the official title and the sense that I was still doing something of worth. And I have to go in there next week and smile nice at the woman they picked over me and we both have to pretend that I don't want her to get a cancerous lump in her groin so that I can have her job.
I want school to start again, but I'm dreading it. I feel like I haven't had fun, real fun, in the longest time. Everything is pressure, being an adult sucks, and I'm using my birthday monies to pay my car insurance premiums.
I don't know what is wrong with me these days. Everything is, on the one hand, wonderful. It's the same stuff I've been doing all summer, hanging out with these people, eating food, playing the WoW. On the other hand, I recently learned a new word. Estivation. To pass one's summer in a torpor. And I knew exactly what this word meant. I have been living La Vida Estivation.
I am yelling at Mike for no reason. I just did it, just a few minutes ago. I don't know how to fix it, either, because he turned around and walked right back out of the house rather than deal with me. I think that was probably the right thing to do on his part. I could see myself doing it, from a thirdperson perspective and the sports commentator in my brain was saying "Ooh, we see a rehash of that same fight from two years ago? Will the competitor do better than his predecessor?" I don't want this. I don't want us to go down the way Brett and I did, but he comes in and I've been alone and miserable for several hours and I just can't seem to stop myself from giving the withering looks and the hateful tone in my voice.
I think it's partly that I didn't get The Big Job, that I'm depressed over that, that they went with the person with all the experience rather than the person who wanted it so bad it made her teeth ache. I wanted that, the business cards and the the official title and the sense that I was still doing something of worth. And I have to go in there next week and smile nice at the woman they picked over me and we both have to pretend that I don't want her to get a cancerous lump in her groin so that I can have her job.
I want school to start again, but I'm dreading it. I feel like I haven't had fun, real fun, in the longest time. Everything is pressure, being an adult sucks, and I'm using my birthday monies to pay my car insurance premiums.