(no subject)
This morning my dad called me and told me that my grandad had died. It knocked the wind out of me and I had to sit down. At first I didn't believe it, but then I did believe it and all I could do is cry. I think I've cried today more than the rest of my life combined.
It's a strange feeling, because I've never really been an emotional person. Every funeral I've attended, I've tried to conjure up tears, as though everyone might think less of me if I didn't show my sadness in a more tangible way. I never could get them to come.
But this morning, the tears came as easily as breathing. Just last night, I was planning to call him when I realized I didn't have his phone number. I was going to ask my parents for it today, but I didn't get the chance. And what I think hurts the most is that I never got the chance to say goodbye, to let him know that I love him, or to ever really talk to him one last time.
Despite being an ocean away, he's one of my relatives that I cherish the most. He was always so kind and affable, and even as he aged you could see his intelligence, his sharpness reflected in his eyes. He hadn't been in the best health, but his death was so sudden, I can't help but feeling punched in the gut.
I also feel so damn frustrated, having half of my family living across the Atlantic. I couldn't spend the time I wanted with him because a trip there was so expensive, and as my grandparents got older traveling was impractical. I had so many plans: Maybe I'd spend this summer there, maybe I'd get an internship in London, maybe there was some way I could get there again, to just talk with him, to write down his memories and preserve them for my children.
But now I feel this void, like a great opportunity to preserve some of our family history has been lost. I thought that at least if he were close to dying, we would make the trip to say our good-byes. But now he's gone and it's too late for anything. The finality of it is depressing and intensely frustrating. Most of all, though, I miss my grandad, and the stupidest shit is making me cry. I saw an advertisement for a car dealership called Lancaster Toyota, and it reminded me of him. I can be feeling fine and the next minute I'll be trying to hold back the tears. This experience is totally alien to me.
It's a strange feeling, because I've never really been an emotional person. Every funeral I've attended, I've tried to conjure up tears, as though everyone might think less of me if I didn't show my sadness in a more tangible way. I never could get them to come.
But this morning, the tears came as easily as breathing. Just last night, I was planning to call him when I realized I didn't have his phone number. I was going to ask my parents for it today, but I didn't get the chance. And what I think hurts the most is that I never got the chance to say goodbye, to let him know that I love him, or to ever really talk to him one last time.
Despite being an ocean away, he's one of my relatives that I cherish the most. He was always so kind and affable, and even as he aged you could see his intelligence, his sharpness reflected in his eyes. He hadn't been in the best health, but his death was so sudden, I can't help but feeling punched in the gut.
I also feel so damn frustrated, having half of my family living across the Atlantic. I couldn't spend the time I wanted with him because a trip there was so expensive, and as my grandparents got older traveling was impractical. I had so many plans: Maybe I'd spend this summer there, maybe I'd get an internship in London, maybe there was some way I could get there again, to just talk with him, to write down his memories and preserve them for my children.
But now I feel this void, like a great opportunity to preserve some of our family history has been lost. I thought that at least if he were close to dying, we would make the trip to say our good-byes. But now he's gone and it's too late for anything. The finality of it is depressing and intensely frustrating. Most of all, though, I miss my grandad, and the stupidest shit is making me cry. I saw an advertisement for a car dealership called Lancaster Toyota, and it reminded me of him. I can be feeling fine and the next minute I'll be trying to hold back the tears. This experience is totally alien to me.