(Untitled)

[stabmasturarson]

so, im working on a scipt for a short film called DIM BLUES to turn in with my application to film school this month, and id really appreciate it if i could get any sort of input on it from anyone willing to read any of it. All criticism is welcome, id actually like to hear about everything anyone might find wrong with it, and any suggestions they

Comments

[designatedclean]

Good job man.

Just a little confused on one issue. The homeless guy in the photo, and the flashback to the mother and father...who is the homeless guy, first husband or soemthing? was the father in the flashback the homeless guy or soemthing? what's the significance besides that he thought he recognized him on the street? Just seemed a little unclear, at least in written form; a picture is a thousand words.

Okay, that's my input.

[__wade]

i don't really think that it's mark recognizing the homeless guy, it's that he recognizes the pain/anguish in his eyes or whatever.

[sunsetsburn]

didn't have time to read it yet jt, i got class, but i just wanted to let you know that i will.

[stabmasturarson]

read wades comment and my responses. offer any ideas if you have them. like specific examples.

[upinflamesx]

i think it'll be great ♥

[stabmasturarson]

thanks babe

[bwent_bwent]

whenever we get together again ill tell u all that i think. for now its pretty good man.

[__wade]

i think that it is too hokey. the examples of pain throughout it seem too easily designed for earning our sympathy. fighting parents, homeless people, violence against the elderly, a child in a divorce, etc. do you know what i mean?

"The car wreck from earlier is nowhere to be found. Small patterns of blood and paint chips from the old man’s face and the car’s bumper are the only traces of previous conflict in the location." --i know what you mean by this but it reads like there are paint chips coming from the man's face.

also i noticed that by the end Arther's name is spelled Arthur and he has gone from father to step-father.

[stabmasturarson]

yeah, ive been redesigned all the examples for that, its just a quick stream of conciousness thing. Just wanted to get the main idea across. and yeah i didnt develope the homeless guy being his real father thing yet. still needs a lot of work. This probably isnt the one im going to use in my application. I think its hokey too.

[stabmasturarson]

oh yeah, any ideas to replace the hokey parts? im still thinking of some better ones.