Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.
Alright. Nobody to talk to. Can't talk to anyone anyway. I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I hate that I do this to myself, I hate that I do this to you. Nobody deserves anything that I might do to them. I'm not as in control as I want to be. As I should be. As I used to be. In all my life, I've only been more depressed once in my life. Just once. And that was last fucking year. Whats up with that, huh? I shouldn't be feeling this way. There's no need.
I should be happy.
I'm physically well, feeling great, strong, capable. Lots of energy.
I have wonderful friends that I really do love and respect. They deserve more of a break than I'm giving them. People aren't perfect. I can't control what they do or who they are. It's a problem that I feel like I should be trying to "better" them. I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be. But I have a lot of pride, and a very strict moral code. Sure, some things are missing from it. I have no problems with some things that others would be ripshit over. I am strongly against other things that people don't even believe to BE a problem. I feel like I have to live through example, and, I dunno, I'm insulted when they don't follow it. I give up all the things that "teenagers are supposed to be doing" because I don't believe in being a steriotype, that I need to do these things to have fun and enjoy myself. And I try to force these beliefs on others. I used to think that people thought the same way as me anyway, and that it would just be a gentle reminder. I suppose I was wrong. I can't help that. I was going to be the one who tried to keep everyone on track. Never mind. I don't want that responsibility. I can't handle it anymore. You all know my opinion on things, by this point. Don't throw away dignity for twenty minutes of fun. So all my friends, I'm sorry. I'll leave you to yourselves.
I have a wonderful, intellegent, kind, gorgeous girlfriend whome I love very, very much. You know, this Saturday will be our Sixth month together. Half a fucking year. I've never done that before. And yet I find myself purposely trying to make her angry. I don't know why. I love her, and yet I'm going to make her angry at me. And I regret it before I even finish. I still regret it. I can't see not regretting it. I put down things she does all the time. Just look at her own livejournal. I discourage her. I think I might have figured out why. I won't go into that here, thats a bit too personal. And, it won't matter anyway. There's no way to make it any better. I'd be asking too much. Maybe I'm not the best for her. But I do love her. And don't tell me that I'm too young to know what love is. I know perfectly well. I want her to be happy. If she were to decide to end everything because it was too much for her, then I would respect that. As long as she's happy. Thats all I really want. And fuck you anyone who thinks otherwise.
Okay. Thats about enough of that, me thinks.
I should be happy.
I'm physically well, feeling great, strong, capable. Lots of energy.
I have wonderful friends that I really do love and respect. They deserve more of a break than I'm giving them. People aren't perfect. I can't control what they do or who they are. It's a problem that I feel like I should be trying to "better" them. I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be. But I have a lot of pride, and a very strict moral code. Sure, some things are missing from it. I have no problems with some things that others would be ripshit over. I am strongly against other things that people don't even believe to BE a problem. I feel like I have to live through example, and, I dunno, I'm insulted when they don't follow it. I give up all the things that "teenagers are supposed to be doing" because I don't believe in being a steriotype, that I need to do these things to have fun and enjoy myself. And I try to force these beliefs on others. I used to think that people thought the same way as me anyway, and that it would just be a gentle reminder. I suppose I was wrong. I can't help that. I was going to be the one who tried to keep everyone on track. Never mind. I don't want that responsibility. I can't handle it anymore. You all know my opinion on things, by this point. Don't throw away dignity for twenty minutes of fun. So all my friends, I'm sorry. I'll leave you to yourselves.
I have a wonderful, intellegent, kind, gorgeous girlfriend whome I love very, very much. You know, this Saturday will be our Sixth month together. Half a fucking year. I've never done that before. And yet I find myself purposely trying to make her angry. I don't know why. I love her, and yet I'm going to make her angry at me. And I regret it before I even finish. I still regret it. I can't see not regretting it. I put down things she does all the time. Just look at her own livejournal. I discourage her. I think I might have figured out why. I won't go into that here, thats a bit too personal. And, it won't matter anyway. There's no way to make it any better. I'd be asking too much. Maybe I'm not the best for her. But I do love her. And don't tell me that I'm too young to know what love is. I know perfectly well. I want her to be happy. If she were to decide to end everything because it was too much for her, then I would respect that. As long as she's happy. Thats all I really want. And fuck you anyone who thinks otherwise.
Okay. Thats about enough of that, me thinks.