Just thinking...
I have accepted fear as a part of life, specifically the fear of change -- the fear of the unknown. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: Turn back, turn back; you'll die if you venture too far.
This relates to me perfectly as of right now. I feel like I am so far ahead of myself when it comes to growing up. I sometimes feel as if I'm living a childs life in my head, yet acting as if I was already an adult. Yes, I'm in a real job, doing adult-like things, taking care of myself and being independent, but nowhere in there does that classify me as grown up. I think, no wait, I know I have a lot more growing up to do.
I drink coffee every morning. I had always thought drinking coffee meant you were a grown up; old enough to enjoy the taste of bitterness, but still young enough to still sugarcoat it anyway that you want -- that use to be my definition of grown up. My dad drank nearly a pot of it every morning, my teachers, my grandparents -- nearly everyone I knew that I classified as an adult that I looked up to, was drinking coffee. And now that I'm drinking it, it isn't really all that special.
Moral of my story... being grown up isn't as fun as I once thought it was going to be. Life on my own, plans, dreams accomplished, finally living a stable life; I need a training manual for all of this. I'm scared about this whole growing up concept. As I talked to Kelly last week about everything I was doing out here, I told her "I need another semester at Central, I'm not ready for this." It's weird, for the past year, I've thought all I wanted was out, I wanted out in the big-kids world, and now that I'm here, I'm without a path.
I have no direction. I should be thinking and pondering about where I want to be in 6 months, because let's face it, I'm done at Central as of December 15th-ish. As much as I want to stay in my comfort zone and remain a 21-year-old kid and go back to lifeguarding, I really have to make some decisions about where I want to be. Do I want to be a big-city-living gal and do all the things that I've dreamt about and aspired to do for these past several years. Do I want to go to bed with the city lights shining into my apartment every night? Or, do I want to stay close to my heart, my family and my support system and continue things in Michigan? Do I want to know that my parents are just a drive, or even in the same house as me? Do I want to take the chance to stay where I'm comfortable? Or, do I take the chance and risk not knowing what life will be like and where it will take me?
There's so much to think about -- I thought I would have this all figured out by now. I thought at 21 and 6 months away from being done with college, I would know exactly where I would like to end up. But, I don't, and that's the ironic thing, because I have known ... up until now. Up until I'm actually at a place where I could see myself for quite some time, so what's the big deal, Danielle?
Question: Do we ever really know what is right for us? Do we ever get the question and answer right in the same try? Maybe sometimes, we need to change around our question in order to end up with the answer we want, or change our answer to end up where we want. Maybe, once we stop trying to fit and size-up our question perfectly, the answers will just fall into place.