Present for anne_higgins
Title: Do I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go?
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy; with cameos by assorted other crewmembers
Warnings: Explicit sex (see rating), but no kinks
Recipient: Anne Higgins
Author's Notes: Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with Star Trek. Really. I promise. I don't own any of the lyrics or graphics either.
I have no idea how this turned into something akin to a songfic, I just went where my muse demanded me to go. It also turned out to be 23.200 words long, but I won't apologize for that. ;-)
I hope it's what Anne Higgins had in mind. Prompt can be found at the end of the story.
Title taken from the Meat Loaf song "Did I Say That?".
Do I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go?
If asked, Jim would say that he was fairly content. He was the Captain of Starfleet's flagship, and over the past two years there hadn't been a single day during which he regretted being out here in space, with this crew, on this mission. He had the best crew in all of Starfleet - and yes, he might be biased on the matter, but that didn't change a thing about the fact that he was right about this. Most of them were still young, but these past two years had made each and every single one of them grow to the best of their abilities and beyond.
And more importantly, they had grown together. It had taken a little while until the word crew had become an apt description of the way they functioned, but by now they were just that. One crew. A single unit in which everyone knew they could rely on everyone else. It was a lot more than other Starfleet Captains had, and Jim did not underestimate what he had in his crew. So probably, fairly content didn't even begin to describe how Jim was feeling.
And Jim had even more. He had Bones.
It was hard not to let himself drown into that kind of thoughts too much, though, that wouldn't do. Bones was his friend, first and foremost. The first real friend Jim had ever had, and the best friend he was ever going to have. The one person Jim trusted above everyone else, the one person he knew he'd always be able to fall back on. That was much more than Jim had ever thought he'd have.
That there was another aspect to their friendship didn't matter. It shouldn't matter. It was still new, but it hadn't managed to upset their dynamic, and that was the most important thing. Despite everything else, nothing could change the fact that Bones was, and would always be, Jim's friend first, and that was something he was going to hold above everything else. It was the one thing Jim was never going to risk.
Even if it was hard to keep that in mind in moments like these, when Bones was moving above and inside of him, so close to him that it would be easy to forget where Bones ended and he began.
It was just sex.
Jim knew that, and he knew that Bones knew it. A way to relieve stress, maybe, although that would belittle what it really was. Because it wasn't just random fucking. There were feelings involved, even if he and Bones weren't the protagonists of their own epic love story. There was attraction - one would have to be blind and stupid not to see that Bones was a damn fine looking man - and there was their friendship, and that alone was a whole bunch of different emotions, commitments and dependencies mixed together. So it wasn't mindless sex, the kind that would happen between two complete strangers. It was something more, but nothing Jim was able to put a label or definition to.
Jim didn't know how exactly it had started, other than that there had been a healthy dose of bourbon involved that had broken down a couple of barriers that very first time. And it didn't matter how it had happened, just that it had. With no strings attached, no demands or commitments, and most certainly no schedule or timetable. But sometimes it just happened that both Jim and Bones needed this, and neither of them stopped it from happening.
Jim most certainly didn't let an opportunity pass to have the other man this close to him. Bones was moving atop of him, and Jim was pulling him inside and impossibly closer with every thrust into his body. And even though Bones was as close to him as humanly possible, Jim needed more. With the next thrust, he latched onto Bones' shoulder, biting, nibbling and sucking on the skin over Bones' collarbone, tracing its outline with lips and teeth. Bones' skin tasted salty under Jim's tongue, and as Bones wrapped a hand around him and stroked in time with his thrusts, Jim's moaned around the other man's flesh.
It didn't take long after that - a few more strokes of the hand wrapped around him, a couple of thrusts that were aimed just right, and Jim was tumbling over the edge, hands clenching into the firm muscles of Bones' back as he thrust his hips down hard. A guttural moan tore free from somewhere deeper than Jim's chest, and all he could do was hold on, riding out his climax to the feeling of Bones following him over the edge.
It was pure bliss, the peak of physical satisfaction, the moment that seemed to drive all the tension out of his muscles and rendered him unable to do more but lie there and enjoy that incredible feeling of completion and contentment.
It were these moments that were the worst.
It shouldn't be that way. That sated afterglow was when Jim wanted to curl up around Bones, when he wanted to kiss the other man and press against him as their sweat-heated bodies cooled down and their pulse slowed down together.
The problem was that he shouldn't want all that.
This was a physical thing. Just a sexual layer they had added to their friendship. They didn't do the whole post-coital cuddling thing. Hell, they didn't even kiss. There was biting and nipping and licking in the throes of passion, but there was no kissing between them. That was how it was supposed to be with two friends who occasionally ended up in bed together. That was what casual sex was all about. Especially causal sex between two people who were friends. Jim wasn't supposed to get emotionally involved. He wasn't supposed to get invested in this.
Most of all, he wasn't supposed to fall in love.
Yeah, great way to royally screw up this friendship.
Friends who occasionally let off some steam between the sheets, that Jim could deal with. Hell, he knew for a fact that they weren't the only ones aboard the ship who had fallen into this pattern. Starships weren't made for romance, it was a simple fact. It was hard to find and maintain a real relationship for most ordinary crewmembers, and it all got exponentially worse if you happened to be the Captain. There was no time for it, it was frowned upon, and most of all it made everything just fucking difficult.
But here he was. James T. Kirk, about to emotionally compromise himself beyond redemption. Every time they were together like this, every time he got the chance to run his hands over the smooth expanse of skin and muscle, every time Bones was inside of him in a way that was meant to be about relief and urges but ended up being so much more to him, Jim felt himself falling a little more.
He wanted more.
And yet he knew for a fact that he could never have it, couldn't even dare to ask for it because it would only screw up the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life. But still, he could not stop it.
Even now, as Bones sank down onto him, his body limp, sated and a warm comfortable weight atop of him, Jim had to fight the urge to run his hands through the other man's hair and pull him down into a lazy, satisfied kiss.
He couldn't do that. That would be about feelings that went beyond friendship, and those had no place here.
Bones breathed heavily against the skin of Jim's chest for a few moments, every breath tickling tantalizingly against him, and when Bones shifted and withdrew, it was too soon. Jim clenched his hands into the sheets so that he wouldn't reach out and pull Bones down onto him again. They were both still breathing hard, both still riding on the afterglow, but Bones' withdrawal was the irrevocable sign that it was over now.
They never stayed in bed after sex. When it happened during the day shifts, they both returned to their duties afterward, and when it happened in the evening, they still slept in their separate quarters. Whenever one of them stayed over, it was one friend bunking on the other one's couch after a drink or two too many, and not like this. They never slept in the same bed.
Jim was mentally going through the motions, preparing himself to draw up the energy - and the motivation - to get up from the bed, clean himself up and get dressed again, when the comm chimed.
"Damn it," Bones muttered into the pillow beside Jim's ear, his harsh tone a clear sign that he didn't particularly care for the interruption. With a grunt, he got up from the bed, wrapping the sheet around himself as he went. Jim hoped it was an attempt to ward off the chill against his sweat-slick skin, because he had seen Bones naked just minutes ago, and after what they had just done, modesty of any kind felt horribly misplaced.
He sat up to admire the sight of Bones' retreating back, the shift of muscles in his broad shoulders as he raised a hand and tiredly ran it through his hair. There was still a sheen of sweat covering Bones' shoulders, and the thought about touching him there, licking his skin and tasting the salty tang of sweat on his tongue made Jim want to lurch out of the bed and drag Bones back in, and damn whoever was trying to reach him over the comm.
"What is it?" Bones grumbled after he had hit the button to activate the console.
Knowing that it could be an emergency, that Bones could be needed in Sickbay and their romp between the sheets was over, Jim wiped the mess off his stomach and shrugged into his shirt.
"A pre-recorded transmission from Earth," the communications officer on bridge duty informed Bones. "Jocelyn McCoy calling for you."
That settled it then. Nothing made for a better mood killer than a call from the ex-wife. Just great.
Jim knew that Bones talked to Jocelyn regularly. In the beginning it had been a necessary evil, because talking to Jocelyn was the key to staying in contact with Joanna. But over the past two years, Jim had watched - however grudgingly - how that antagonistic enforced contact had turned into something neutral. It wasn't what Jim would call a friendship, far from it, even though he admittedly knew very little about what those two actually talked about in their conversations. Jim would say that their mutual love for Joanna had forced them to meet on neutral middle ground, and once there they had realized it worked out somehow.
Still, Jim couldn't help but feel a sharp stab of something he couldn't quite define whenever Jocelyn's name was mentioned. He was actually glad that he normally wasn't around for their regular conversations. But as far as Jim knew, this wasn't one of those pre-arranged conversations. Bones wouldn't have slept with him if he had expected a call from the ex at any moment.
Jim couldn't help but throw a worried glance towards Bones as he got up from the bed and pulled up his pants.
"Could it be about Joanna?"
Bones sat down in his desk chair with the sheet wrapped tightly around his middle. Upon Jim's question, he only shook his head.
"If something was wrong she'd call directly, and not send a recorded message."
That sounded reasonable enough, Jim had to admit that. He shrugged into his boots and got ready to leave, though he couldn't help but feel cheated out of those few minutes of post-coital exhaustion he and Bones normally shared after sex. It most certainly wasn't cuddling, but whatever else one might call it, those were a few moments of prolonged intimacy between them, and today that had been taken away by Jocelyn's call.
Just great.
With a last longing glance at the rumpled sheets Jim walked over towards the door. Bones' eyes followed his progress across the room, and just the sight of the other man's tousled hair and the red and bruised bite-marks all over his left clavicle made Jim want to reconsider his intentions about leaving. After all, Jocelyn's message was recorded anyway, right? It wouldn't matter if it waited another half hour. Or another hour.
"I'll see you later at the staff meeting then."
As far as dismissals went, that one didn't leave much room for interpretation. Not any, really. So Jim merely nodded and ran his hands thought his hair once, to make sure that he didn't have that tousled just shagged look just in case someone happened to see him coming out of his CMO's quarters. And then he left, so that Bones could take Jocelyn's message.
He couldn't help but notice that Bones waited until the door swished shut behind him before he even turned back towards the vidscreen. And somehow, Jim had the feeling this had less to do with trying to prolong listening to Jocelyn's message, and more with making absolutely sure that Jim was gone before he started playing it.
Jim didn't know what to make of that. He knew that their friendship was close, but he wasn't deluded enough to think that there were no secrets between them. Yet he couldn't help the uneasy feeling that always settled in his gut when Jocelyn made an appearance. Despite all the bad feelings between her and Bones, in spite of all the bridges that were burnt during their separation and subsequent divorce, Jocelyn was always going to hold a piece of Bones' past that Jim could never even dream to compete with.
He shook his head and started walking down the corridor. He was going to ask Bones what the call had been about later tonight. If it wasn't important enough to warrant a conversation in real time but could be dealt with in a recorded message, it couldn't be anything serious. There was going to be a simple explanation, and then it was going to be back to normal.
Speaking of which, Jim was supposed to be on the bridge in a little more than an hour. He should probably take a shower and change his clothes before then.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I can't fight this feeling any longer.
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Bones wasn't at the staff meeting Jim had set up for the end of Beta shift. It wasn't something to worry about, really. The meeting was informative rather than obligatory, and since the details didn't concern Medical specifically, it didn't matter that no member of the medical crew was present.
In theory.
But while Jim knew all that, Bones' absence kept him distracted throughout most of the meeting, and he was glad when it was time for everyone else to report and he could lean back and listen. Or, pretend to listen, really. Jim took being a Captain serious and certainly wasn't going to neglect his duties just because he was distracted, but fact of the matter was that as of right now, nothing much was happening that required his undivided attention.
Enterprise was seven days away from Earth, on a straight course at maximum warp. They were only two years into the five year mission, so they weren't returning home. But two weeks ago they had received orders to pick up a group of diplomats on Argelius II and transport them to Earth, a task that had come as a relief in between all the peace-treaties and endless negotiations at the rim of the Neutral Zone they had overseen for the last couple of months.
Besides, it brought them home to Earth, and while they didn't return to stay, there was plenty of time to squeeze in a little shore leave while they were already there. Scotty had announced that he wanted to perform an engine upgrade at Jupiter Space Dock. Strictly speaking that upgrade wasn't necessary, but it gave the Engineer something to play with, and it gave them exactly the two weeks of downtime Jim had been angling for.
Traveling at warp this close to home meant that nothing much was happening during bridge shifts. It was an opportunity to give the less-experienced crewmembers some time on the bridge while Jim and Spock prepared everything for their arrival back home. This meeting was a last official recap, a chance for additional requests for upgrades and improvements that could be done in space dock to be handed in. Apparently, there were plenty, but Jim trusted Spock to take notice of each and every one and to relay the official requests to him later.
The meeting dragged on, but no matter how often Jim cast his eyes towards the door of the conference room, Bones didn't show up. It wasn't something to be worried about. Not really. Only, Jim couldn't help but feel a little worried - not because Bones was missing the meeting, but because Jim was worried that he might be missing it because of something Jocelyn had told him in that message.
He was going to have to go down to Medical and ask him about it right after the meeting was over, then this whole thing was going to be cleared up in no time, Jim was sure of it.
But right after the staff meeting the Argelian diplomats requested to have dinner with Jim, then Scotty wanted to go over some technical details of the engine upgrades, and before Jim knew it the day had passed without him seeing or hearing anything from his best friend. When he made a pass by Medical on his way to his quarters, Bones was off shift and Nurse Chapel told him that he had said something about going to bed two hours ago. Jim still wanted to talk to him, but he knew from years of experience that a tired Bones was a grumpy Bones, and if he was going to wake him up he needed to have a much better reason than mere curiosity over a simple video call. An arterial bleeding, or a phaser shot to the chest might be reasons to wake Bones up from his well-deserved sleep, but mere curiosity wasn't going to cut it.
So Jim did the only thing he could do - he went to bed, and vowed to talk to Bones in the morning.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear.
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction,
You make everything so clear.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Alpha shift started at 8:00 am sharp, which meant Jim had to be on the bridge at 7:45 for the handover and the report from gamma shift. He didn't see Bones in mess hall where they normally ran into each other when they both were on alpha shift, Jim for a quick cup of coffee and whatever pastries were in reach, and Bones to grumble and gripe about Jim's breakfast choices over his own plate of healthy food. Not so this morning.
Again, it was nothing unusual, and definitely nothing to worry about. But it was weird. Once was coincidence, twice definitely counted as weird already. It was definitely enough to keep Jim's mind occupied during one of the most boring shifts he had ever sat through on the bridge of the Enterprise. The only reason why he didn't give over the conn to Sulu and head down straight to Medical was that he knew he'd have been informed if anything serious had happened, and Bones didn't appreciate it if someone made a big fuss about his personal business.
Still, Jim couldn't help but mull over it.
However, it wasn't until the end of beta shift that day that Jim found the time, and something resembling a valid reason to seek Bones out in Medical. Not that he needed a real reason to show up and annoy Bones a little, but he'd very much like to keep his male dignity intact and not appear like a love-struck puppy as he tried to weasel the contents of Jocelyn's call out of his friend.
According to the duty-roster Bones was off duty but on-call for beta and gamma shift, and Jim knew that the other man liked to use that time to catch up on the accumulated paperwork in his office. The office door was closed when Jim crossed through Sickbay, but a closed office door had never stopped Jim before. Giving a short knock on the glass panel, Jim opened the door and stepped into the room, clutching the PADD he had brought along tightly, ready to present the official reason for his visit to Bones as soon as it was asked of him.
Bones was sitting behind his desk, a couple of PADDs strewn over the surface in front of him. His attention, however, was focused on the vidscreen of his desk-console. It took a few seconds before he looked up and turned his attention towards Jim.
"Jim? What is it?"
Jim brandished the PADD in front of him as if that would explain everything. Inwardly, he was slapping himself. Over-eager much? He was the Captain, damn it, he didn't need to justify himself like that. Who was he? An infant instead of a Captain, one who was trying to cover up that he had an ulterior motive for a perfectly legit visit to his CMO? And he really, really needed for his inner voice to stop sounding like Bones.
"Spock needs to transfer our supply requests to Starfleet, and the requests from Medical are still missing."
"Damn it," Bones hissed and started sorting through the mess of PADDs on his desk distractedly. "I got the list here, I forgot to forward it to Spock. Where the hell…there it is." He pulled out one PADD from underneath a couple of others that wend sliding all over the desk. Handing it to Jim, he leaned back in his chair and tiredly ran a hand over his face. "We're low on sedatives, mostly, and if Starfleet stocks us up we don't have to synthesize them ourselves. Else it's mostly some basic medications and vaccines, and a list of things that will make life in the research lab more easy. Nothing too outlandish."
Jim nodded, taking the PADD from Bones' hand. Looking at his friend, he couldn't help but be slightly concerned. Bones looked like he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep last night, if the dark rings under and tired expression in his eyes were any indication.
"Busy shift?"
Bones shook his head. "Not really. Just a damn lot of paperwork to catch up on, just in case the higher ups decide to take our unscheduled visit as an incentive to go over everything with a damn bureaucratic fine-toothed comb."
As if Bones was running an inefficient Sickbay, or ever got seriously backlogged on the paperwork. But he had always been like that, thinking that the world was out to get him, and if making sure that everything in his realm of responsibility was so perfect it would withstand any inspection helped him feel better, who was Jim to judge that?
"You weren't at the staff meeting yesterday."
It wasn't an accusation, just an observation, and Jim thought that he had made it sound like that, as well. Still, Bones' head snapped up as if he had been caught right in the middle of something he'd much rather keep to himself. And even though he caught himself quickly, it had been there, and Jim had seen it.
"I…yeah, I missed that thanks to all the damn paperwork. But other than the supply request there was nothing from Medical that would have required me to be there. Did I miss anything?"
Jim shook his head, trying to gloss over the fact that he had barely listened during the meeting, either.
"No, not really. It was just unusual, that's all." He cocked his head to the side and looked at his friend from slightly narrowed eyes. "Are you all right?"
Bones recoiled slightly, but quickly waved Jim off. "Just didn't get much sleep last night."
"What did Jocelyn say?"
"Huh?" Bones seemed genuinely confused. "Jocelyn? Why her?"
"That message yesterday. I just thought maybe she had called about Joanna."
Bones shook his head - a little too quickly for Jim's liking - and his eyes flicked over towards the vidscreen for a second before he looked back at Jim.
"Nah, Jo is all right. Jocelyn just wanted to clear up some details for my visit."
Bones wasn't a great actor or liar, but that sentence came out so easily and with so much assurance in his voice that somebody who didn't know him as well as Jim did would have bought it without a second thought. But Jim knew Bones better than that, and he knew that this whole line was nothing but a big load of bull Bones was trying to sell him.
He was still unsure whether to call Bones out on that or not when there was a short knock on the door and Christine Chapel stuck her head into the room.
"Sorry to interrupt Doctor, but you're needed out there. Ensign Wilkes is complaining about abdominal pain."
And while that in itself did not constitute a medical emergency requiring the presence of the ship's CMO, Ensign Wilkes was seven months pregnant in what Bones had classified as a risky pregnancy right from the start. Hearing Chapel's words, Bones was out of his chair in a moment, already heading towards the door when he turned back towards Jim as an afterthought.
"There was something I wanted to talk to you about, if you have a moment."
Jim nodded. "I'll stick around, I got time."
Bones acknowledged that with another short nod of his head, then the office door closed behind him and Chapel as he left to examine the pregnant Ensign. Jim sank back in his chair, letting his eyes roam over the chaos of PADDs and notes on Bones' desk. It was unusual. Bones was normally so tidy it bordered on anal, and while the clutter of things on the desk didn't qualify as a true mess, on any normal occasion it would have driven his friend up the wall.
Bones was only ever this disorganized when something else was having him far more occupied, and the only thing Jim could think of that was having Bones this worked up was Jocelyn's message. And that would mean Bones had lied to him; a thought that didn't sit well with Jim. At all.
He knew Bones was very strict about his privacy. And while they were best friends, there were limits to what Jim could allow himself. Breaching Bones' privacy without his friend's consent was a definite no-go. Even if he was alone in Bones' office right now. It was a question of trust, after all. But he was not only Bones' friend, right? He was also Leonard McCoy's commanding officer, and as such he had a right to know if something was going on that might influence said CMO's professional capacity. Right? Right.
Bones had been glancing at the vidscreen earlier, just for a second, but if Jim swiveled his chair a little and leaned over, he could just glance at the screen to see…
…Bones' private video messages.
Jim really, really didn't advocate snooping around and breaking his best friend's trust. He knew that if Bones ever found out, there would be hell to pay, and it was probably going to put a massive dent into their friendship (not to mention a very rapid ending to whatever activities that went beyond friendship were going on between them right now). But something about Jocelyn's message had Bones worked up, that much Jim was sure of. And now it just happened that he was left alone in Bones' office with that video message right there on top of the list of Bones' private messages on the screen. It wasn't just a temptation, it was a downright invitation.
Jim felt bad just thinking about it, but it was as if his body was moving on its own accord as he got up from his chair and settled in Bones' desk chair so that he was facing the vidscreen. He was worried, like he always worried about Jocelyn and the power and influence she still held over his best friend. If something was up, something that cost Bones his nightly sleep, then Jim had a right to know so that he could fix it.
It was a weak excuse, one Jim knew was never going to hold up any kind of scrutiny. But it was all the excuse he had for why his hand was moving seemingly on its own accord and entered the commands to pull up Jocelyn's message on the video screen.
The screen came to life, and with a last look at the semi-transparent office door Jim pushed away his feelings of guilt and settled back in the chair to watch Jocelyn McCoy's face appear on the vidscreen.
The first thing that hit him, and like a blow to the gut at that, was that Jocelyn wasn't just a good-looking woman. She was beautiful. Of course, Jim knew what she looked like. Over the years he had seen enough pictures from Bones past to know exactly what his friend's ex-wife looked like. Maybe it was the fact that Jim had seen the fallout of their failed marriage, he had seen what the divorce and the separation from Joanna had done to his friend. And with that in mind, it had been easy to demonize Jocelyn, even in the knowledge that she wasn't the only one to blame for what had happened between her and Bones.
For the past two years, Jim had only ever seen Jocelyn McCoy as the ex-wife who held the power to deny Bones the most precious thing in his entire life if only she so pleased. He had never spoken to her, or seen her on anything but old photographs. Seeing her on that vidscreen now, realizing that she was an absolutely stunning woman, only served to make that small worried feeling in Jim's gut settle more firmly and fester.
Jocelyn was sitting in what Jim assumed was the living room in the house in Atlanta she and Joanna lived in. She had her long blond hair tied back in a ponytail, but strands of hair were escaping it and falling into her eyes, framing her face in a way that only helped to enhance its shape. Grey-blue eyes were turned towards the camera, and as the recording started she smiled nervously.
"Hello Leonard."
It felt weird to hear anybody call Bones by his first name. Nurse Chapel was the only one who did, occasionally and only when she and Bones were not on duty. But Jocelyn made it sound like an old endearment, something with a long history behind it, and Jim felt an irrational stab of jealousy at the thought that someone else had a name for Bones that only they used in that one special way.
Jocelyn pushed a strand of hair out of her face and continued with a smile.
"I'm sure you're surprised by this message. And I know what you're thinking, but don't worry. Joanna is perfectly fine. She's over at Marie's house right now, and from what I gathered there's a visit to the stables involved, so she'll probably be gone until dinner. The reason I'm sending this message is that I want to talk about something with you, and I didn't want to overwhelm you with it when you come by during your shore leave. Besides, I know that your visit is going to be all about Joanna and I don't want to cut down on that time with lengthy explanations. But maybe we can take one evening to talk this through once you get here."
Jocelyn's voice held that same southern lilt that Bones' had. It wasn't too prominent, but it was there and held the promise to emerge stronger in other situations. With Bones, that happened when he got angry, when he was really drunk or when he was torn out of his sleep - moments when the connection between his brain and mouth wasn't as filtered as it normally was. With Jocelyn, it made her voice lilt up and down pleasantly, an uninterrupted stream of words and sounds that was pleasant to listen to. It was yet another thing Jim couldn't quite connect to the image of Bones' ex-wife he had created in his mind and held on to quite firmly over the past couple of years.
"This will probably sound strange all of a sudden, but I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe those old clichés are right, and it's so much easier to think straight about certain things from a distance. And three years as well as a couple of hundred light-years is plenty of distance. It's not like I planned any of this, but I couldn't help but thinking…" Jocelyn shook her head and looked down into her lap for a few moments. When she turned back towards the camera, there was determination in her gaze.
"No more beating about the bush. You never dealt well with that, anyway. As I said, I've been thinking a lot lately. And I couldn't help but wonder if you ever thought that maybe we gave up too quickly. You know, on us. And I know, the way we ended back then wasn't really pretty, and I also know that a lot of that was my fault. Not all of it, but I guess we both know by now what went wrong back then. And I…I don't want to go back to all that chaos, and that mess of emotions we both were. We just weren't ready, we were far too young, then Joanna came along…"
She shook her head once more. "I'm doing it again. Sorry, but I really want this to come across right. Anyway, I think over the past year or so we've been working better than we did in a long time. Better than during large parts of our marriage, probably. We get each other, you can't deny that. And I've realized…well, I've realized that I'm looking forward to talking to you every time you call. I'm looking forward to hearing your voice and to seeing you. Even between those calls, I drop everything when there's something about Enterprise on the newsfeed because I want to hear about you."
That ugly feeling deep in Jim's gut grew and grew, and he found himself shaking his head as if that could somehow stave off what he was afraid Jocelyn was going to say next.
"I know that it would take work, Leonard. A lot of work. But I really think that if we give each other another chance, we could turn this into something good this time. It took me a while to realize, but we were missing something important the first time around. Same reason why my relationship with Clay didn't work out, either. But the two of us, now we have a foundation. We know each other, and we've learned how to get along with one another."
Jocelyn's hand went into her hair, twisting a blond strand between her fingers nervously.
"The feelings are there, too. I wouldn't be recording this message if they weren't because trust me Leonard, this isn't easy for me. And I know you well enough to know that you're not completely indifferent towards me either. I really think that we can make this work if we want to. I've been meaning to say something for a couple of weeks now, but I didn't quite know what to say, especially not with Joanna in the background, waiting for her chance to talk to you. But then I heard that you were coming home ahead of time and it really felt like a nudge in the right direction."
She drew a deep breath, as if to gather courage for a bombshell she was about to drop.
"They're opening a new research facility in Atlanta. Starfleet, I mean. I made a couple of calls, and it seems that their main focus is research in chronic genetic diseases, and they have a large branch of xenobiological research they're going to establish here, too. I know how you feel about space, Leonard, and I know how important your job is to you. Here in Atlanta you could do what you do best and wouldn't have to go into space. It's a great opportunity. And…well, you could see Joanna more often. You could have her back in your life regularly. Completely, if you're willing to give us another try. I know she'd love to have that - and no, I didn't tell her anything about all this yet. I know you'll need some time to think about this, but as I said, we can make time when you're on shore-leave. I really care about you, Leonard. And I can only hope you'll give me another chance. That you'll give us another chance. Joanna and me, we're waiting for you."
She smiled into the camera and gave a small wave. "I guess I'll see you in a week, then. Goodbye, Leonard."
The vidscreen went black, then switched back to the same setting it had been in before Jim had called up the message, but Jim hardly noticed. He was staring ahead unfocusedly, feeling every bit as if he had just been punched in the gut by something the size of a small shuttle.
Jocelyn still had feelings for Bones. Or again. Or what the fuck ever, it didn't even matter. What mattered was that she wanted Bones back. That and the fact that she didn't only have some recently rediscovered feelings to offer. No, she was offering Bones the whole package - a beautiful woman who wanted him, a job that was offering exactly the things Bones excelled in and, first and foremost and most importantly, Joanna.
Damn it, that woman should make a living out of negotiations, because she knew exactly how to make an offer that was impossible to refuse. For crying out loud, even if Bones wasn't all head over heels for getting back together with Jocelyn, that job and Joanna alone would do the trick to make him consider returning to Earth. And who was Jim kidding - Jocelyn was so beautiful it was tempting. And she and Bones had learned to get along over the past year. Their relationship might have been a minefield by the time Bones had boarded that shuttle in Iowa where it had all begun, but by now most of those mines were disarmed and Bones and Jocelyn had learned to maneuver around the few that remained.
Damn it.
Jim should be angry. By all rights he should be furious that Jocelyn not only dared to make a grab for something she had by all rights given up - or kicked out, literally - years ago. She had no fucking right to do that. And even worse, she had no right to use Joanna to lure Bones into agreeing. But instead of feeling righteous anger or indignant fury, Jim only felt as if somebody had reached inside his chest and torn out something vital. Jim knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he had lost Bones to Jocelyn the moment his friend had seen that video message.
Jocelyn had laid her cards on the table, and she was offering Bones anything he could have ever wanted. Love, a career, his daughter, and a life back on Earth. She offered him everything. All the things Jim could not give Bones. All Jim had to offer in return was a life in the one place Bones hated because it scared him, the chance to lose every single member of the crew he cared for at any given moment and…well, and himself.
Jim nearly laughed. If ever there had been an inadequate offer to convince someone to stay, this was it. Nobody would be stupid enough to chose him over what Jocelyn had to give. Especially since Jim's feelings were one-sided. He wasn't and would never mean to Bones what Jocelyn had once been, or what she could become again. He was Bones' friend, and while that was one of the most important things in Jim's life, it was light-years away from the love and sense of family that Jim knew Bones craved.
Jim's eyes were drawn to the picture frame on Bones' desk. It was a picture of Joanna, one of the many Bones had put up over the past two years. This one was an older photograph. Joanna was nine now, but she must have been around five when the picture had been taken. She was sitting on a swing in the back garden, laughing into the camera as if she didn't have a single care in the world.
Jim had never seen Joanna in real life, only ever on pictures, but she was one of the most adorable children he had ever seen. In the picture her long hair was still colored that bright blond it had sported in her early childhood, but it was already showing traces of darkening out into the browner shade it held now. Her eyes, clear and blue, were purely Jocelyn, but whenever Jim looked at a picture of her, he could not help but notice traces of Bones in nearly all her features. Joanna wasn't the spitting image of either of her parents, but rather the perfect blend of both of them all molded into her own little person.
A person Bones loved with all his heart. More than he would ever love anybody else.
Looking at Joanna's picture hurt, and Jim had to tear his eyes away. It hurt because that image was the sum of everything Jim didn't stand a chance against. Bones' love for Joanna was something Jim could never compete with.
He had no idea how he managed to get up from Bones' chair and settle once more in one of the visitor's chairs in front of his friend's desk. The rational part of his brain had to be still working underneath that cloud of pain that had settled inside of him, and that part knew that Bones could come back any moment now. Jim didn't want to explain that he had been snooping around in his friend's private messages. He didn't think he'd be able to get out anything beyond a pathetic and pleading Don't leave me. And that absolutely wouldn't do.
Minutes passed during which Jim numbly stared at the bare office wall next to the door. By all rights his mind should be reeling. He was intelligent, damn it, and Jim Kirk didn't give up easily. But even someone like him knew when to admit defeat. And no matter how much he wanted, craved or needed Bones here with him and not back on Earth, he had no right. He had no right to deny Bones his happiness, and he had absolutely no right to deny Joanna a life without her father. Jim knew from firsthand experience what that felt like, and nobody should have to go through that if they didn't need to.
Jim was so lost in his morose thoughts that he flinched when the office door opened and Bones returned. Jim didn't know how much time had passed since he had played that message, but it hadn't been enough to deal with the onslaught of emotions that came rushing at him at the sight of his best friend. Bones tiredly ran a hand through his hair as he entered, but when his eyes fell on Jim he seemed actually startled to find him still there.
"I could have just commed you, I didn't mean you had to stick around."
Jim shrugged, astonished that his body still followed his commands. "I got the time. It was easier than you chasing me down later."
His voice was clear and didn't betray what was going on inside of him at all, and for a second Jim wondered what that said about his emotional capacities. But as long as Bones didn't realize what was going on with him, Jim wasn't going to complain about his lack of emotional transparency. His eyes followed Bones as he made his way across the room, settling back in the chair behind his desk. He cast a critical eye at the mess of PADDs on his desktop, then leaned back in his chair with a tired shake of his head.
"How is Ensign Wilkes?"
Bones pinched the bridge of his nose with the fingers of one hand, something he only ever did when he was tired after too many hours on duty, then leaned his elbows onto the desk.
"Seven months pregnant, and driving me up the wall, so I'd say everything is good for now. If we can keep things that way for another two weeks, we should be in the clear, and every day after that is an added bonus. The doctors at Starfleet Medical know what they're doing."
"So do you."
Bones laughed tiredly. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but if there's one thing Enterprise isn't equipped with, then it's dealing with a complicated pregnancy. Anyway, since you already stuck around, I still don't have the medical files of whoever is going to replace Wilkes and her husband. So the next time you talk to Earth, you might wanna tell them to speed things up a little. It would be good to know if there are any medical issues that need consideration."
It was hard to focus on something so trivial when all Jim could think of was that Bones was leaving and he didn't give a damn about who was going to replace Ensign Wilkes or her husband in the face of that. But he found himself nodding automatically.
"Starfleet still hasn't sent any personnel files, but if they don't send them with the next transmission I'm going to make a call and ask for them."
"Thanks. I'd better finish up this mess of paperwork then."
It was a clear sign that Bones had other things to do unless Jim had something else he needed to discuss. Jim got up from the chair.
"See you later, then."
Bones only nodded, already absorbed in the contents of one of the PADDs in front of him.
Jim left the office, and it took ever ounce of self-restraint not to run out of the room and back to his quarters. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lieutenant Wilkes by his wife's bedside, and he couldn't suppress the small surge of gratitude. If Wilkes' husband was here, then Jim had an excuse not to go over to the pregnant Ensign's bedside and do the Captain-thing. He didn't think he could have stood pleasant small-talk with the happy couple right now.
Jim wanted to run. It was irrational, because he was on a frigging spaceship and had nowhere to run to. He couldn't run away from the fact that Bones was going to leave, no matter that every fiber of his body was screaming for him to get as far away from Sickbay and Bones as he could. But he couldn't. He was still the fucking Captain of this ship, and if the Captain was running it signaled to the crew that something was seriously wrong.
What good was being Captain if it meant that he couldn't run even when it felt as if he was going to choke under the onslaught of feelings if he didn't? It was pretty damn useless, that's what it was.
Jim hurried along the corridors, his eyes focused determinedly ahead, doing his best to project a warning against all attempts to approach him. It was hard enough to keep it together as it was, and not to start screaming as his thoughts kept circling back again and again to the fact that Bones was going to leave and there was nothing Jim could do to stop him.
He reached his quarters with barely a recollection of how he had gotten there. His fingers felt stiff and clumsy as he tried to punch in the correct access code. Finally, he managed to enter the right sequence, and all but stumbled into the room before the door had opened fully. Jim drew breath to tell the computer to turn on the lights, but suddenly the bile was rising in his throat and he barely made it into the bathroom before the first heave tore at his insides.
On any other occasion, something like this would have stopped him short. That just the thought of Bones leaving was causing such a strong physical reaction in him should be food for thought about just how badly he had fallen for the other man.
It should have. But all Jim could think of in between the painful heaves that wracked his body was that Bones was going to leave. Bones was going to leave Enterprise, he was going to leave Jim, and the worst thing was that leaving was going to make Bones happier than Jim ever could.
Jim had nothing to offer that would convince Bones to stay. The only thing he could do was let him go, no matter that the mere thought was tearing him apart.
Part 2
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy; with cameos by assorted other crewmembers
Warnings: Explicit sex (see rating), but no kinks
Recipient: Anne Higgins
Author's Notes: Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with Star Trek. Really. I promise. I don't own any of the lyrics or graphics either.
I have no idea how this turned into something akin to a songfic, I just went where my muse demanded me to go. It also turned out to be 23.200 words long, but I won't apologize for that. ;-)
I hope it's what Anne Higgins had in mind. Prompt can be found at the end of the story.
Title taken from the Meat Loaf song "Did I Say That?".
Do I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go?
If asked, Jim would say that he was fairly content. He was the Captain of Starfleet's flagship, and over the past two years there hadn't been a single day during which he regretted being out here in space, with this crew, on this mission. He had the best crew in all of Starfleet - and yes, he might be biased on the matter, but that didn't change a thing about the fact that he was right about this. Most of them were still young, but these past two years had made each and every single one of them grow to the best of their abilities and beyond.
And more importantly, they had grown together. It had taken a little while until the word crew had become an apt description of the way they functioned, but by now they were just that. One crew. A single unit in which everyone knew they could rely on everyone else. It was a lot more than other Starfleet Captains had, and Jim did not underestimate what he had in his crew. So probably, fairly content didn't even begin to describe how Jim was feeling.
And Jim had even more. He had Bones.
It was hard not to let himself drown into that kind of thoughts too much, though, that wouldn't do. Bones was his friend, first and foremost. The first real friend Jim had ever had, and the best friend he was ever going to have. The one person Jim trusted above everyone else, the one person he knew he'd always be able to fall back on. That was much more than Jim had ever thought he'd have.
That there was another aspect to their friendship didn't matter. It shouldn't matter. It was still new, but it hadn't managed to upset their dynamic, and that was the most important thing. Despite everything else, nothing could change the fact that Bones was, and would always be, Jim's friend first, and that was something he was going to hold above everything else. It was the one thing Jim was never going to risk.
Even if it was hard to keep that in mind in moments like these, when Bones was moving above and inside of him, so close to him that it would be easy to forget where Bones ended and he began.
It was just sex.
Jim knew that, and he knew that Bones knew it. A way to relieve stress, maybe, although that would belittle what it really was. Because it wasn't just random fucking. There were feelings involved, even if he and Bones weren't the protagonists of their own epic love story. There was attraction - one would have to be blind and stupid not to see that Bones was a damn fine looking man - and there was their friendship, and that alone was a whole bunch of different emotions, commitments and dependencies mixed together. So it wasn't mindless sex, the kind that would happen between two complete strangers. It was something more, but nothing Jim was able to put a label or definition to.
Jim didn't know how exactly it had started, other than that there had been a healthy dose of bourbon involved that had broken down a couple of barriers that very first time. And it didn't matter how it had happened, just that it had. With no strings attached, no demands or commitments, and most certainly no schedule or timetable. But sometimes it just happened that both Jim and Bones needed this, and neither of them stopped it from happening.
Jim most certainly didn't let an opportunity pass to have the other man this close to him. Bones was moving atop of him, and Jim was pulling him inside and impossibly closer with every thrust into his body. And even though Bones was as close to him as humanly possible, Jim needed more. With the next thrust, he latched onto Bones' shoulder, biting, nibbling and sucking on the skin over Bones' collarbone, tracing its outline with lips and teeth. Bones' skin tasted salty under Jim's tongue, and as Bones wrapped a hand around him and stroked in time with his thrusts, Jim's moaned around the other man's flesh.
It didn't take long after that - a few more strokes of the hand wrapped around him, a couple of thrusts that were aimed just right, and Jim was tumbling over the edge, hands clenching into the firm muscles of Bones' back as he thrust his hips down hard. A guttural moan tore free from somewhere deeper than Jim's chest, and all he could do was hold on, riding out his climax to the feeling of Bones following him over the edge.
It was pure bliss, the peak of physical satisfaction, the moment that seemed to drive all the tension out of his muscles and rendered him unable to do more but lie there and enjoy that incredible feeling of completion and contentment.
It were these moments that were the worst.
It shouldn't be that way. That sated afterglow was when Jim wanted to curl up around Bones, when he wanted to kiss the other man and press against him as their sweat-heated bodies cooled down and their pulse slowed down together.
The problem was that he shouldn't want all that.
This was a physical thing. Just a sexual layer they had added to their friendship. They didn't do the whole post-coital cuddling thing. Hell, they didn't even kiss. There was biting and nipping and licking in the throes of passion, but there was no kissing between them. That was how it was supposed to be with two friends who occasionally ended up in bed together. That was what casual sex was all about. Especially causal sex between two people who were friends. Jim wasn't supposed to get emotionally involved. He wasn't supposed to get invested in this.
Most of all, he wasn't supposed to fall in love.
Yeah, great way to royally screw up this friendship.
Friends who occasionally let off some steam between the sheets, that Jim could deal with. Hell, he knew for a fact that they weren't the only ones aboard the ship who had fallen into this pattern. Starships weren't made for romance, it was a simple fact. It was hard to find and maintain a real relationship for most ordinary crewmembers, and it all got exponentially worse if you happened to be the Captain. There was no time for it, it was frowned upon, and most of all it made everything just fucking difficult.
But here he was. James T. Kirk, about to emotionally compromise himself beyond redemption. Every time they were together like this, every time he got the chance to run his hands over the smooth expanse of skin and muscle, every time Bones was inside of him in a way that was meant to be about relief and urges but ended up being so much more to him, Jim felt himself falling a little more.
He wanted more.
And yet he knew for a fact that he could never have it, couldn't even dare to ask for it because it would only screw up the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life. But still, he could not stop it.
Even now, as Bones sank down onto him, his body limp, sated and a warm comfortable weight atop of him, Jim had to fight the urge to run his hands through the other man's hair and pull him down into a lazy, satisfied kiss.
He couldn't do that. That would be about feelings that went beyond friendship, and those had no place here.
Bones breathed heavily against the skin of Jim's chest for a few moments, every breath tickling tantalizingly against him, and when Bones shifted and withdrew, it was too soon. Jim clenched his hands into the sheets so that he wouldn't reach out and pull Bones down onto him again. They were both still breathing hard, both still riding on the afterglow, but Bones' withdrawal was the irrevocable sign that it was over now.
They never stayed in bed after sex. When it happened during the day shifts, they both returned to their duties afterward, and when it happened in the evening, they still slept in their separate quarters. Whenever one of them stayed over, it was one friend bunking on the other one's couch after a drink or two too many, and not like this. They never slept in the same bed.
Jim was mentally going through the motions, preparing himself to draw up the energy - and the motivation - to get up from the bed, clean himself up and get dressed again, when the comm chimed.
"Damn it," Bones muttered into the pillow beside Jim's ear, his harsh tone a clear sign that he didn't particularly care for the interruption. With a grunt, he got up from the bed, wrapping the sheet around himself as he went. Jim hoped it was an attempt to ward off the chill against his sweat-slick skin, because he had seen Bones naked just minutes ago, and after what they had just done, modesty of any kind felt horribly misplaced.
He sat up to admire the sight of Bones' retreating back, the shift of muscles in his broad shoulders as he raised a hand and tiredly ran it through his hair. There was still a sheen of sweat covering Bones' shoulders, and the thought about touching him there, licking his skin and tasting the salty tang of sweat on his tongue made Jim want to lurch out of the bed and drag Bones back in, and damn whoever was trying to reach him over the comm.
"What is it?" Bones grumbled after he had hit the button to activate the console.
Knowing that it could be an emergency, that Bones could be needed in Sickbay and their romp between the sheets was over, Jim wiped the mess off his stomach and shrugged into his shirt.
"A pre-recorded transmission from Earth," the communications officer on bridge duty informed Bones. "Jocelyn McCoy calling for you."
That settled it then. Nothing made for a better mood killer than a call from the ex-wife. Just great.
Jim knew that Bones talked to Jocelyn regularly. In the beginning it had been a necessary evil, because talking to Jocelyn was the key to staying in contact with Joanna. But over the past two years, Jim had watched - however grudgingly - how that antagonistic enforced contact had turned into something neutral. It wasn't what Jim would call a friendship, far from it, even though he admittedly knew very little about what those two actually talked about in their conversations. Jim would say that their mutual love for Joanna had forced them to meet on neutral middle ground, and once there they had realized it worked out somehow.
Still, Jim couldn't help but feel a sharp stab of something he couldn't quite define whenever Jocelyn's name was mentioned. He was actually glad that he normally wasn't around for their regular conversations. But as far as Jim knew, this wasn't one of those pre-arranged conversations. Bones wouldn't have slept with him if he had expected a call from the ex at any moment.
Jim couldn't help but throw a worried glance towards Bones as he got up from the bed and pulled up his pants.
"Could it be about Joanna?"
Bones sat down in his desk chair with the sheet wrapped tightly around his middle. Upon Jim's question, he only shook his head.
"If something was wrong she'd call directly, and not send a recorded message."
That sounded reasonable enough, Jim had to admit that. He shrugged into his boots and got ready to leave, though he couldn't help but feel cheated out of those few minutes of post-coital exhaustion he and Bones normally shared after sex. It most certainly wasn't cuddling, but whatever else one might call it, those were a few moments of prolonged intimacy between them, and today that had been taken away by Jocelyn's call.
Just great.
With a last longing glance at the rumpled sheets Jim walked over towards the door. Bones' eyes followed his progress across the room, and just the sight of the other man's tousled hair and the red and bruised bite-marks all over his left clavicle made Jim want to reconsider his intentions about leaving. After all, Jocelyn's message was recorded anyway, right? It wouldn't matter if it waited another half hour. Or another hour.
"I'll see you later at the staff meeting then."
As far as dismissals went, that one didn't leave much room for interpretation. Not any, really. So Jim merely nodded and ran his hands thought his hair once, to make sure that he didn't have that tousled just shagged look just in case someone happened to see him coming out of his CMO's quarters. And then he left, so that Bones could take Jocelyn's message.
He couldn't help but notice that Bones waited until the door swished shut behind him before he even turned back towards the vidscreen. And somehow, Jim had the feeling this had less to do with trying to prolong listening to Jocelyn's message, and more with making absolutely sure that Jim was gone before he started playing it.
Jim didn't know what to make of that. He knew that their friendship was close, but he wasn't deluded enough to think that there were no secrets between them. Yet he couldn't help the uneasy feeling that always settled in his gut when Jocelyn made an appearance. Despite all the bad feelings between her and Bones, in spite of all the bridges that were burnt during their separation and subsequent divorce, Jocelyn was always going to hold a piece of Bones' past that Jim could never even dream to compete with.
He shook his head and started walking down the corridor. He was going to ask Bones what the call had been about later tonight. If it wasn't important enough to warrant a conversation in real time but could be dealt with in a recorded message, it couldn't be anything serious. There was going to be a simple explanation, and then it was going to be back to normal.
Speaking of which, Jim was supposed to be on the bridge in a little more than an hour. He should probably take a shower and change his clothes before then.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I can't fight this feeling any longer.
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Bones wasn't at the staff meeting Jim had set up for the end of Beta shift. It wasn't something to worry about, really. The meeting was informative rather than obligatory, and since the details didn't concern Medical specifically, it didn't matter that no member of the medical crew was present.
In theory.
But while Jim knew all that, Bones' absence kept him distracted throughout most of the meeting, and he was glad when it was time for everyone else to report and he could lean back and listen. Or, pretend to listen, really. Jim took being a Captain serious and certainly wasn't going to neglect his duties just because he was distracted, but fact of the matter was that as of right now, nothing much was happening that required his undivided attention.
Enterprise was seven days away from Earth, on a straight course at maximum warp. They were only two years into the five year mission, so they weren't returning home. But two weeks ago they had received orders to pick up a group of diplomats on Argelius II and transport them to Earth, a task that had come as a relief in between all the peace-treaties and endless negotiations at the rim of the Neutral Zone they had overseen for the last couple of months.
Besides, it brought them home to Earth, and while they didn't return to stay, there was plenty of time to squeeze in a little shore leave while they were already there. Scotty had announced that he wanted to perform an engine upgrade at Jupiter Space Dock. Strictly speaking that upgrade wasn't necessary, but it gave the Engineer something to play with, and it gave them exactly the two weeks of downtime Jim had been angling for.
Traveling at warp this close to home meant that nothing much was happening during bridge shifts. It was an opportunity to give the less-experienced crewmembers some time on the bridge while Jim and Spock prepared everything for their arrival back home. This meeting was a last official recap, a chance for additional requests for upgrades and improvements that could be done in space dock to be handed in. Apparently, there were plenty, but Jim trusted Spock to take notice of each and every one and to relay the official requests to him later.
The meeting dragged on, but no matter how often Jim cast his eyes towards the door of the conference room, Bones didn't show up. It wasn't something to be worried about. Not really. Only, Jim couldn't help but feel a little worried - not because Bones was missing the meeting, but because Jim was worried that he might be missing it because of something Jocelyn had told him in that message.
He was going to have to go down to Medical and ask him about it right after the meeting was over, then this whole thing was going to be cleared up in no time, Jim was sure of it.
But right after the staff meeting the Argelian diplomats requested to have dinner with Jim, then Scotty wanted to go over some technical details of the engine upgrades, and before Jim knew it the day had passed without him seeing or hearing anything from his best friend. When he made a pass by Medical on his way to his quarters, Bones was off shift and Nurse Chapel told him that he had said something about going to bed two hours ago. Jim still wanted to talk to him, but he knew from years of experience that a tired Bones was a grumpy Bones, and if he was going to wake him up he needed to have a much better reason than mere curiosity over a simple video call. An arterial bleeding, or a phaser shot to the chest might be reasons to wake Bones up from his well-deserved sleep, but mere curiosity wasn't going to cut it.
So Jim did the only thing he could do - he went to bed, and vowed to talk to Bones in the morning.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear.
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction,
You make everything so clear.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Alpha shift started at 8:00 am sharp, which meant Jim had to be on the bridge at 7:45 for the handover and the report from gamma shift. He didn't see Bones in mess hall where they normally ran into each other when they both were on alpha shift, Jim for a quick cup of coffee and whatever pastries were in reach, and Bones to grumble and gripe about Jim's breakfast choices over his own plate of healthy food. Not so this morning.
Again, it was nothing unusual, and definitely nothing to worry about. But it was weird. Once was coincidence, twice definitely counted as weird already. It was definitely enough to keep Jim's mind occupied during one of the most boring shifts he had ever sat through on the bridge of the Enterprise. The only reason why he didn't give over the conn to Sulu and head down straight to Medical was that he knew he'd have been informed if anything serious had happened, and Bones didn't appreciate it if someone made a big fuss about his personal business.
Still, Jim couldn't help but mull over it.
However, it wasn't until the end of beta shift that day that Jim found the time, and something resembling a valid reason to seek Bones out in Medical. Not that he needed a real reason to show up and annoy Bones a little, but he'd very much like to keep his male dignity intact and not appear like a love-struck puppy as he tried to weasel the contents of Jocelyn's call out of his friend.
According to the duty-roster Bones was off duty but on-call for beta and gamma shift, and Jim knew that the other man liked to use that time to catch up on the accumulated paperwork in his office. The office door was closed when Jim crossed through Sickbay, but a closed office door had never stopped Jim before. Giving a short knock on the glass panel, Jim opened the door and stepped into the room, clutching the PADD he had brought along tightly, ready to present the official reason for his visit to Bones as soon as it was asked of him.
Bones was sitting behind his desk, a couple of PADDs strewn over the surface in front of him. His attention, however, was focused on the vidscreen of his desk-console. It took a few seconds before he looked up and turned his attention towards Jim.
"Jim? What is it?"
Jim brandished the PADD in front of him as if that would explain everything. Inwardly, he was slapping himself. Over-eager much? He was the Captain, damn it, he didn't need to justify himself like that. Who was he? An infant instead of a Captain, one who was trying to cover up that he had an ulterior motive for a perfectly legit visit to his CMO? And he really, really needed for his inner voice to stop sounding like Bones.
"Spock needs to transfer our supply requests to Starfleet, and the requests from Medical are still missing."
"Damn it," Bones hissed and started sorting through the mess of PADDs on his desk distractedly. "I got the list here, I forgot to forward it to Spock. Where the hell…there it is." He pulled out one PADD from underneath a couple of others that wend sliding all over the desk. Handing it to Jim, he leaned back in his chair and tiredly ran a hand over his face. "We're low on sedatives, mostly, and if Starfleet stocks us up we don't have to synthesize them ourselves. Else it's mostly some basic medications and vaccines, and a list of things that will make life in the research lab more easy. Nothing too outlandish."
Jim nodded, taking the PADD from Bones' hand. Looking at his friend, he couldn't help but be slightly concerned. Bones looked like he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep last night, if the dark rings under and tired expression in his eyes were any indication.
"Busy shift?"
Bones shook his head. "Not really. Just a damn lot of paperwork to catch up on, just in case the higher ups decide to take our unscheduled visit as an incentive to go over everything with a damn bureaucratic fine-toothed comb."
As if Bones was running an inefficient Sickbay, or ever got seriously backlogged on the paperwork. But he had always been like that, thinking that the world was out to get him, and if making sure that everything in his realm of responsibility was so perfect it would withstand any inspection helped him feel better, who was Jim to judge that?
"You weren't at the staff meeting yesterday."
It wasn't an accusation, just an observation, and Jim thought that he had made it sound like that, as well. Still, Bones' head snapped up as if he had been caught right in the middle of something he'd much rather keep to himself. And even though he caught himself quickly, it had been there, and Jim had seen it.
"I…yeah, I missed that thanks to all the damn paperwork. But other than the supply request there was nothing from Medical that would have required me to be there. Did I miss anything?"
Jim shook his head, trying to gloss over the fact that he had barely listened during the meeting, either.
"No, not really. It was just unusual, that's all." He cocked his head to the side and looked at his friend from slightly narrowed eyes. "Are you all right?"
Bones recoiled slightly, but quickly waved Jim off. "Just didn't get much sleep last night."
"What did Jocelyn say?"
"Huh?" Bones seemed genuinely confused. "Jocelyn? Why her?"
"That message yesterday. I just thought maybe she had called about Joanna."
Bones shook his head - a little too quickly for Jim's liking - and his eyes flicked over towards the vidscreen for a second before he looked back at Jim.
"Nah, Jo is all right. Jocelyn just wanted to clear up some details for my visit."
Bones wasn't a great actor or liar, but that sentence came out so easily and with so much assurance in his voice that somebody who didn't know him as well as Jim did would have bought it without a second thought. But Jim knew Bones better than that, and he knew that this whole line was nothing but a big load of bull Bones was trying to sell him.
He was still unsure whether to call Bones out on that or not when there was a short knock on the door and Christine Chapel stuck her head into the room.
"Sorry to interrupt Doctor, but you're needed out there. Ensign Wilkes is complaining about abdominal pain."
And while that in itself did not constitute a medical emergency requiring the presence of the ship's CMO, Ensign Wilkes was seven months pregnant in what Bones had classified as a risky pregnancy right from the start. Hearing Chapel's words, Bones was out of his chair in a moment, already heading towards the door when he turned back towards Jim as an afterthought.
"There was something I wanted to talk to you about, if you have a moment."
Jim nodded. "I'll stick around, I got time."
Bones acknowledged that with another short nod of his head, then the office door closed behind him and Chapel as he left to examine the pregnant Ensign. Jim sank back in his chair, letting his eyes roam over the chaos of PADDs and notes on Bones' desk. It was unusual. Bones was normally so tidy it bordered on anal, and while the clutter of things on the desk didn't qualify as a true mess, on any normal occasion it would have driven his friend up the wall.
Bones was only ever this disorganized when something else was having him far more occupied, and the only thing Jim could think of that was having Bones this worked up was Jocelyn's message. And that would mean Bones had lied to him; a thought that didn't sit well with Jim. At all.
He knew Bones was very strict about his privacy. And while they were best friends, there were limits to what Jim could allow himself. Breaching Bones' privacy without his friend's consent was a definite no-go. Even if he was alone in Bones' office right now. It was a question of trust, after all. But he was not only Bones' friend, right? He was also Leonard McCoy's commanding officer, and as such he had a right to know if something was going on that might influence said CMO's professional capacity. Right? Right.
Bones had been glancing at the vidscreen earlier, just for a second, but if Jim swiveled his chair a little and leaned over, he could just glance at the screen to see…
…Bones' private video messages.
Jim really, really didn't advocate snooping around and breaking his best friend's trust. He knew that if Bones ever found out, there would be hell to pay, and it was probably going to put a massive dent into their friendship (not to mention a very rapid ending to whatever activities that went beyond friendship were going on between them right now). But something about Jocelyn's message had Bones worked up, that much Jim was sure of. And now it just happened that he was left alone in Bones' office with that video message right there on top of the list of Bones' private messages on the screen. It wasn't just a temptation, it was a downright invitation.
Jim felt bad just thinking about it, but it was as if his body was moving on its own accord as he got up from his chair and settled in Bones' desk chair so that he was facing the vidscreen. He was worried, like he always worried about Jocelyn and the power and influence she still held over his best friend. If something was up, something that cost Bones his nightly sleep, then Jim had a right to know so that he could fix it.
It was a weak excuse, one Jim knew was never going to hold up any kind of scrutiny. But it was all the excuse he had for why his hand was moving seemingly on its own accord and entered the commands to pull up Jocelyn's message on the video screen.
The screen came to life, and with a last look at the semi-transparent office door Jim pushed away his feelings of guilt and settled back in the chair to watch Jocelyn McCoy's face appear on the vidscreen.
The first thing that hit him, and like a blow to the gut at that, was that Jocelyn wasn't just a good-looking woman. She was beautiful. Of course, Jim knew what she looked like. Over the years he had seen enough pictures from Bones past to know exactly what his friend's ex-wife looked like. Maybe it was the fact that Jim had seen the fallout of their failed marriage, he had seen what the divorce and the separation from Joanna had done to his friend. And with that in mind, it had been easy to demonize Jocelyn, even in the knowledge that she wasn't the only one to blame for what had happened between her and Bones.
For the past two years, Jim had only ever seen Jocelyn McCoy as the ex-wife who held the power to deny Bones the most precious thing in his entire life if only she so pleased. He had never spoken to her, or seen her on anything but old photographs. Seeing her on that vidscreen now, realizing that she was an absolutely stunning woman, only served to make that small worried feeling in Jim's gut settle more firmly and fester.
Jocelyn was sitting in what Jim assumed was the living room in the house in Atlanta she and Joanna lived in. She had her long blond hair tied back in a ponytail, but strands of hair were escaping it and falling into her eyes, framing her face in a way that only helped to enhance its shape. Grey-blue eyes were turned towards the camera, and as the recording started she smiled nervously.
"Hello Leonard."
It felt weird to hear anybody call Bones by his first name. Nurse Chapel was the only one who did, occasionally and only when she and Bones were not on duty. But Jocelyn made it sound like an old endearment, something with a long history behind it, and Jim felt an irrational stab of jealousy at the thought that someone else had a name for Bones that only they used in that one special way.
Jocelyn pushed a strand of hair out of her face and continued with a smile.
"I'm sure you're surprised by this message. And I know what you're thinking, but don't worry. Joanna is perfectly fine. She's over at Marie's house right now, and from what I gathered there's a visit to the stables involved, so she'll probably be gone until dinner. The reason I'm sending this message is that I want to talk about something with you, and I didn't want to overwhelm you with it when you come by during your shore leave. Besides, I know that your visit is going to be all about Joanna and I don't want to cut down on that time with lengthy explanations. But maybe we can take one evening to talk this through once you get here."
Jocelyn's voice held that same southern lilt that Bones' had. It wasn't too prominent, but it was there and held the promise to emerge stronger in other situations. With Bones, that happened when he got angry, when he was really drunk or when he was torn out of his sleep - moments when the connection between his brain and mouth wasn't as filtered as it normally was. With Jocelyn, it made her voice lilt up and down pleasantly, an uninterrupted stream of words and sounds that was pleasant to listen to. It was yet another thing Jim couldn't quite connect to the image of Bones' ex-wife he had created in his mind and held on to quite firmly over the past couple of years.
"This will probably sound strange all of a sudden, but I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe those old clichés are right, and it's so much easier to think straight about certain things from a distance. And three years as well as a couple of hundred light-years is plenty of distance. It's not like I planned any of this, but I couldn't help but thinking…" Jocelyn shook her head and looked down into her lap for a few moments. When she turned back towards the camera, there was determination in her gaze.
"No more beating about the bush. You never dealt well with that, anyway. As I said, I've been thinking a lot lately. And I couldn't help but wonder if you ever thought that maybe we gave up too quickly. You know, on us. And I know, the way we ended back then wasn't really pretty, and I also know that a lot of that was my fault. Not all of it, but I guess we both know by now what went wrong back then. And I…I don't want to go back to all that chaos, and that mess of emotions we both were. We just weren't ready, we were far too young, then Joanna came along…"
She shook her head once more. "I'm doing it again. Sorry, but I really want this to come across right. Anyway, I think over the past year or so we've been working better than we did in a long time. Better than during large parts of our marriage, probably. We get each other, you can't deny that. And I've realized…well, I've realized that I'm looking forward to talking to you every time you call. I'm looking forward to hearing your voice and to seeing you. Even between those calls, I drop everything when there's something about Enterprise on the newsfeed because I want to hear about you."
That ugly feeling deep in Jim's gut grew and grew, and he found himself shaking his head as if that could somehow stave off what he was afraid Jocelyn was going to say next.
"I know that it would take work, Leonard. A lot of work. But I really think that if we give each other another chance, we could turn this into something good this time. It took me a while to realize, but we were missing something important the first time around. Same reason why my relationship with Clay didn't work out, either. But the two of us, now we have a foundation. We know each other, and we've learned how to get along with one another."
Jocelyn's hand went into her hair, twisting a blond strand between her fingers nervously.
"The feelings are there, too. I wouldn't be recording this message if they weren't because trust me Leonard, this isn't easy for me. And I know you well enough to know that you're not completely indifferent towards me either. I really think that we can make this work if we want to. I've been meaning to say something for a couple of weeks now, but I didn't quite know what to say, especially not with Joanna in the background, waiting for her chance to talk to you. But then I heard that you were coming home ahead of time and it really felt like a nudge in the right direction."
She drew a deep breath, as if to gather courage for a bombshell she was about to drop.
"They're opening a new research facility in Atlanta. Starfleet, I mean. I made a couple of calls, and it seems that their main focus is research in chronic genetic diseases, and they have a large branch of xenobiological research they're going to establish here, too. I know how you feel about space, Leonard, and I know how important your job is to you. Here in Atlanta you could do what you do best and wouldn't have to go into space. It's a great opportunity. And…well, you could see Joanna more often. You could have her back in your life regularly. Completely, if you're willing to give us another try. I know she'd love to have that - and no, I didn't tell her anything about all this yet. I know you'll need some time to think about this, but as I said, we can make time when you're on shore-leave. I really care about you, Leonard. And I can only hope you'll give me another chance. That you'll give us another chance. Joanna and me, we're waiting for you."
She smiled into the camera and gave a small wave. "I guess I'll see you in a week, then. Goodbye, Leonard."
The vidscreen went black, then switched back to the same setting it had been in before Jim had called up the message, but Jim hardly noticed. He was staring ahead unfocusedly, feeling every bit as if he had just been punched in the gut by something the size of a small shuttle.
Jocelyn still had feelings for Bones. Or again. Or what the fuck ever, it didn't even matter. What mattered was that she wanted Bones back. That and the fact that she didn't only have some recently rediscovered feelings to offer. No, she was offering Bones the whole package - a beautiful woman who wanted him, a job that was offering exactly the things Bones excelled in and, first and foremost and most importantly, Joanna.
Damn it, that woman should make a living out of negotiations, because she knew exactly how to make an offer that was impossible to refuse. For crying out loud, even if Bones wasn't all head over heels for getting back together with Jocelyn, that job and Joanna alone would do the trick to make him consider returning to Earth. And who was Jim kidding - Jocelyn was so beautiful it was tempting. And she and Bones had learned to get along over the past year. Their relationship might have been a minefield by the time Bones had boarded that shuttle in Iowa where it had all begun, but by now most of those mines were disarmed and Bones and Jocelyn had learned to maneuver around the few that remained.
Damn it.
Jim should be angry. By all rights he should be furious that Jocelyn not only dared to make a grab for something she had by all rights given up - or kicked out, literally - years ago. She had no fucking right to do that. And even worse, she had no right to use Joanna to lure Bones into agreeing. But instead of feeling righteous anger or indignant fury, Jim only felt as if somebody had reached inside his chest and torn out something vital. Jim knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he had lost Bones to Jocelyn the moment his friend had seen that video message.
Jocelyn had laid her cards on the table, and she was offering Bones anything he could have ever wanted. Love, a career, his daughter, and a life back on Earth. She offered him everything. All the things Jim could not give Bones. All Jim had to offer in return was a life in the one place Bones hated because it scared him, the chance to lose every single member of the crew he cared for at any given moment and…well, and himself.
Jim nearly laughed. If ever there had been an inadequate offer to convince someone to stay, this was it. Nobody would be stupid enough to chose him over what Jocelyn had to give. Especially since Jim's feelings were one-sided. He wasn't and would never mean to Bones what Jocelyn had once been, or what she could become again. He was Bones' friend, and while that was one of the most important things in Jim's life, it was light-years away from the love and sense of family that Jim knew Bones craved.
Jim's eyes were drawn to the picture frame on Bones' desk. It was a picture of Joanna, one of the many Bones had put up over the past two years. This one was an older photograph. Joanna was nine now, but she must have been around five when the picture had been taken. She was sitting on a swing in the back garden, laughing into the camera as if she didn't have a single care in the world.
Jim had never seen Joanna in real life, only ever on pictures, but she was one of the most adorable children he had ever seen. In the picture her long hair was still colored that bright blond it had sported in her early childhood, but it was already showing traces of darkening out into the browner shade it held now. Her eyes, clear and blue, were purely Jocelyn, but whenever Jim looked at a picture of her, he could not help but notice traces of Bones in nearly all her features. Joanna wasn't the spitting image of either of her parents, but rather the perfect blend of both of them all molded into her own little person.
A person Bones loved with all his heart. More than he would ever love anybody else.
Looking at Joanna's picture hurt, and Jim had to tear his eyes away. It hurt because that image was the sum of everything Jim didn't stand a chance against. Bones' love for Joanna was something Jim could never compete with.
He had no idea how he managed to get up from Bones' chair and settle once more in one of the visitor's chairs in front of his friend's desk. The rational part of his brain had to be still working underneath that cloud of pain that had settled inside of him, and that part knew that Bones could come back any moment now. Jim didn't want to explain that he had been snooping around in his friend's private messages. He didn't think he'd be able to get out anything beyond a pathetic and pleading Don't leave me. And that absolutely wouldn't do.
Minutes passed during which Jim numbly stared at the bare office wall next to the door. By all rights his mind should be reeling. He was intelligent, damn it, and Jim Kirk didn't give up easily. But even someone like him knew when to admit defeat. And no matter how much he wanted, craved or needed Bones here with him and not back on Earth, he had no right. He had no right to deny Bones his happiness, and he had absolutely no right to deny Joanna a life without her father. Jim knew from firsthand experience what that felt like, and nobody should have to go through that if they didn't need to.
Jim was so lost in his morose thoughts that he flinched when the office door opened and Bones returned. Jim didn't know how much time had passed since he had played that message, but it hadn't been enough to deal with the onslaught of emotions that came rushing at him at the sight of his best friend. Bones tiredly ran a hand through his hair as he entered, but when his eyes fell on Jim he seemed actually startled to find him still there.
"I could have just commed you, I didn't mean you had to stick around."
Jim shrugged, astonished that his body still followed his commands. "I got the time. It was easier than you chasing me down later."
His voice was clear and didn't betray what was going on inside of him at all, and for a second Jim wondered what that said about his emotional capacities. But as long as Bones didn't realize what was going on with him, Jim wasn't going to complain about his lack of emotional transparency. His eyes followed Bones as he made his way across the room, settling back in the chair behind his desk. He cast a critical eye at the mess of PADDs on his desktop, then leaned back in his chair with a tired shake of his head.
"How is Ensign Wilkes?"
Bones pinched the bridge of his nose with the fingers of one hand, something he only ever did when he was tired after too many hours on duty, then leaned his elbows onto the desk.
"Seven months pregnant, and driving me up the wall, so I'd say everything is good for now. If we can keep things that way for another two weeks, we should be in the clear, and every day after that is an added bonus. The doctors at Starfleet Medical know what they're doing."
"So do you."
Bones laughed tiredly. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but if there's one thing Enterprise isn't equipped with, then it's dealing with a complicated pregnancy. Anyway, since you already stuck around, I still don't have the medical files of whoever is going to replace Wilkes and her husband. So the next time you talk to Earth, you might wanna tell them to speed things up a little. It would be good to know if there are any medical issues that need consideration."
It was hard to focus on something so trivial when all Jim could think of was that Bones was leaving and he didn't give a damn about who was going to replace Ensign Wilkes or her husband in the face of that. But he found himself nodding automatically.
"Starfleet still hasn't sent any personnel files, but if they don't send them with the next transmission I'm going to make a call and ask for them."
"Thanks. I'd better finish up this mess of paperwork then."
It was a clear sign that Bones had other things to do unless Jim had something else he needed to discuss. Jim got up from the chair.
"See you later, then."
Bones only nodded, already absorbed in the contents of one of the PADDs in front of him.
Jim left the office, and it took ever ounce of self-restraint not to run out of the room and back to his quarters. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lieutenant Wilkes by his wife's bedside, and he couldn't suppress the small surge of gratitude. If Wilkes' husband was here, then Jim had an excuse not to go over to the pregnant Ensign's bedside and do the Captain-thing. He didn't think he could have stood pleasant small-talk with the happy couple right now.
Jim wanted to run. It was irrational, because he was on a frigging spaceship and had nowhere to run to. He couldn't run away from the fact that Bones was going to leave, no matter that every fiber of his body was screaming for him to get as far away from Sickbay and Bones as he could. But he couldn't. He was still the fucking Captain of this ship, and if the Captain was running it signaled to the crew that something was seriously wrong.
What good was being Captain if it meant that he couldn't run even when it felt as if he was going to choke under the onslaught of feelings if he didn't? It was pretty damn useless, that's what it was.
Jim hurried along the corridors, his eyes focused determinedly ahead, doing his best to project a warning against all attempts to approach him. It was hard enough to keep it together as it was, and not to start screaming as his thoughts kept circling back again and again to the fact that Bones was going to leave and there was nothing Jim could do to stop him.
He reached his quarters with barely a recollection of how he had gotten there. His fingers felt stiff and clumsy as he tried to punch in the correct access code. Finally, he managed to enter the right sequence, and all but stumbled into the room before the door had opened fully. Jim drew breath to tell the computer to turn on the lights, but suddenly the bile was rising in his throat and he barely made it into the bathroom before the first heave tore at his insides.
On any other occasion, something like this would have stopped him short. That just the thought of Bones leaving was causing such a strong physical reaction in him should be food for thought about just how badly he had fallen for the other man.
It should have. But all Jim could think of in between the painful heaves that wracked his body was that Bones was going to leave. Bones was going to leave Enterprise, he was going to leave Jim, and the worst thing was that leaving was going to make Bones happier than Jim ever could.
Jim had nothing to offer that would convince Bones to stay. The only thing he could do was let him go, no matter that the mere thought was tearing him apart.
Part 2