for he's a jolly good felon
the weirdness continues unabated.
i realize that i haven't written anything in this space for a month. it's been kind of hard to know where to begin- a lot has happened, and most of it bears mentioning.
but for now, i'm going to focus on one particular day, thursday of this past week, which was strange even by the standards of this summer.
recently, i returned home to illinois for a week with my girlfriend. parents were introduced, friends were hung out with, and a good time was had by all (amazingly enough). before leaving, i had secured (or so i thought) an apartment for the upcoming year, to be moved into on friday; only a background check stood between myself and drab townhome goodness. as my background is and has always been sparkly clean (i am a saint, after all), i had nothing to worry about. the lady from the complex said that she would call next week to pass on the good news.
so, driving back to austin from illinois last thursday, i realized that i had not heard from the apartment woman as planned, and gave her a call from somewhere in the northeast corner of arkansas. the conversation went something like this:
'hi, janice, this is evan smith. i'm inquiring about the apartment i'm supposed to be moving into tomorrow- is there a good time to pick up the keys and do the paperwork?'
'mr. smith...well, there's a slight problem. on your background check, something came up, and we can't rent to you.'
'uh....i see. no, wait. i don't see. what are you talking about? and why didn't you tell me about this earlier?'
'well, our background check turned up something that makes us unable to rent to you.'
'what was it? and when? i'm sure that there's been a mistake.'
'1989...office burglary.'
'1989??? i have an alibi. i was 9 years old.'
'oh, sorry, 1999.'
'office burglary? it seems like someone would have told me about that...like, say, the court system, or my employers... did it say what state this occurred in?'
'i'm sorry, i can't give you any more information, it's confidential.'
'well, there is obviously a mistake here. what can i do to clear it up?'
'call the people at tenant tracker (.com?) and see if they can help you. there's nothing i can do, i'm sorry.'
so, having just found out that i am a convicted felon, i call tenant tracker. this is all very disconcerting- i'm trying to remember what i did in 1999 besides go to college, and wondering if something had happened there that i just didn't remember. i couldn't come up with anything, but tenant tracker cleared that up. they asked me to fax them a copy of my social security card and driver's license. i explained that i was currently travelling through bumfuck, arkansas, and had neither my social security card or a fax machine at my disposal. they settled for a passport, and we stopped at a wal-mart.
further phone messages flew, and it was determined that the office burglar of 1999 was a different evan smith, who may or may not have lived in illinois, shared a birthday, or burglarized an office.
it was all very unclear.
apparently, tenant tracker (and i'm assuming several other such databases) don't use such basic information as social security numbers, dates of birth, or even MIDDLE FUCKING NAMES to distinguish one person from another.
this seems pretty elementary to me, but what do i know? i'm a smith. i pity the poor john or james smith looking for an apartment, oh, anywhere.
i read the leasing contract very carefully after that, i can assure you. it seemed to upset the apartment woman, who was apparently not used to tenants reading contracts or inquiring as to why the terms seemed to be so outrageously in favor of the landlord.
but i'm one step closer to respectability. now that i've cleared my good name and all.
i realize that i haven't written anything in this space for a month. it's been kind of hard to know where to begin- a lot has happened, and most of it bears mentioning.
but for now, i'm going to focus on one particular day, thursday of this past week, which was strange even by the standards of this summer.
recently, i returned home to illinois for a week with my girlfriend. parents were introduced, friends were hung out with, and a good time was had by all (amazingly enough). before leaving, i had secured (or so i thought) an apartment for the upcoming year, to be moved into on friday; only a background check stood between myself and drab townhome goodness. as my background is and has always been sparkly clean (i am a saint, after all), i had nothing to worry about. the lady from the complex said that she would call next week to pass on the good news.
so, driving back to austin from illinois last thursday, i realized that i had not heard from the apartment woman as planned, and gave her a call from somewhere in the northeast corner of arkansas. the conversation went something like this:
'hi, janice, this is evan smith. i'm inquiring about the apartment i'm supposed to be moving into tomorrow- is there a good time to pick up the keys and do the paperwork?'
'mr. smith...well, there's a slight problem. on your background check, something came up, and we can't rent to you.'
'uh....i see. no, wait. i don't see. what are you talking about? and why didn't you tell me about this earlier?'
'well, our background check turned up something that makes us unable to rent to you.'
'what was it? and when? i'm sure that there's been a mistake.'
'1989...office burglary.'
'1989??? i have an alibi. i was 9 years old.'
'oh, sorry, 1999.'
'office burglary? it seems like someone would have told me about that...like, say, the court system, or my employers... did it say what state this occurred in?'
'i'm sorry, i can't give you any more information, it's confidential.'
'well, there is obviously a mistake here. what can i do to clear it up?'
'call the people at tenant tracker (.com?) and see if they can help you. there's nothing i can do, i'm sorry.'
so, having just found out that i am a convicted felon, i call tenant tracker. this is all very disconcerting- i'm trying to remember what i did in 1999 besides go to college, and wondering if something had happened there that i just didn't remember. i couldn't come up with anything, but tenant tracker cleared that up. they asked me to fax them a copy of my social security card and driver's license. i explained that i was currently travelling through bumfuck, arkansas, and had neither my social security card or a fax machine at my disposal. they settled for a passport, and we stopped at a wal-mart.
further phone messages flew, and it was determined that the office burglar of 1999 was a different evan smith, who may or may not have lived in illinois, shared a birthday, or burglarized an office.
it was all very unclear.
apparently, tenant tracker (and i'm assuming several other such databases) don't use such basic information as social security numbers, dates of birth, or even MIDDLE FUCKING NAMES to distinguish one person from another.
this seems pretty elementary to me, but what do i know? i'm a smith. i pity the poor john or james smith looking for an apartment, oh, anywhere.
i read the leasing contract very carefully after that, i can assure you. it seemed to upset the apartment woman, who was apparently not used to tenants reading contracts or inquiring as to why the terms seemed to be so outrageously in favor of the landlord.
but i'm one step closer to respectability. now that i've cleared my good name and all.