Somewhere a Muse Lies Bleeding...
I'm pretty sure I haven t had a truly creative thought since maybe February, at least not one that produced anything solid,real,artistic,or thoughtful nothing at all. In a way this bothers me more then a bit. Especially since the last spark of brilliance i had turned my main male character in my fantasy novel into a rapist. It's not that I've run out of angst, or passions, or thoughts on all aspects of life...it's just that I've not been able to write about any of it. And this leads me to the conclusion that some time back in February while i was distracted by some aspect of life in motion some person/being snuck up behind me and shot my muse dead. I'm all but convinced the poor thing is lying on some street corner somewhere long ago bleed out, with crusted flakes of blood coating the corner of its elegant mouth; a mouth that used to whisper creative visions into my eager ear. These visions used to drift through my mind like a breeze through a meadow refreshing everything and adding new light to my ideas and projects. but alas, no more as those lips have been silenced by a assassins bullet. Seriously this is the most creative and complete work I've done in months.
even my school work is ,limping along barely. I've just not felt any motivation to write or even read recently. it's strange and vaguely sad., Makes me wonder if maybe the bubble I've found my self living in might be just a tad bit toxic to me creative health. i barely got my grant proposals completed and out. In fact I think the only reason the were as far along as they were is because I'd started working on them much earlier in the semester. i know i could have and should have gotten more of my research work, and thus my interpretation of the historical records completed this semester with the star t i gave my self, but i just didn't/couldn't get anymore done.
I want to blame my sleep schedule and the fact that i I've been staying up most night to well around 3am but i know sleep deprivation/insomnia aren't totally to blame. And i always tend to have a lot on my mind, my internal demons haven t changed; family is still family, and I've even manged to keep the messes i tend to create for my self to a minimum in this new year. So, I'm not exactly sure what the culprit is. But i know I've got to change something. cause something has got to give or I'm bound to explode, and not in a good productive/creative way. I've been trying to wake up earlier this week, with limited success. And I'm also yet again attempting to keep my space more organize (we'll see how long it lasts this time). But I'm still extremely tempted to just sit in front of the T.V. all day and do nothing but watch reruns of Stargate or x-files. I really don t like being that lazy, i forced myself to keep busy around the house today; cleaned up my room, cleaned out the fridge, took out some trash, washed dishes, walked up to the corner market. Just trying to keep busy and moving, wanting to have something to show for a day for once. I'm not quite happy about going back into work tomorrow even though i like my job, because i know i wont get much done before work and will accomplish even less after i get out. It's frustrating because i t makes me feel like i only live and do things two days out of a seven day week. This is indeed an odd feeling of impotence
even my school work is ,limping along barely. I've just not felt any motivation to write or even read recently. it's strange and vaguely sad., Makes me wonder if maybe the bubble I've found my self living in might be just a tad bit toxic to me creative health. i barely got my grant proposals completed and out. In fact I think the only reason the were as far along as they were is because I'd started working on them much earlier in the semester. i know i could have and should have gotten more of my research work, and thus my interpretation of the historical records completed this semester with the star t i gave my self, but i just didn't/couldn't get anymore done.
I want to blame my sleep schedule and the fact that i I've been staying up most night to well around 3am but i know sleep deprivation/insomnia aren't totally to blame. And i always tend to have a lot on my mind, my internal demons haven t changed; family is still family, and I've even manged to keep the messes i tend to create for my self to a minimum in this new year. So, I'm not exactly sure what the culprit is. But i know I've got to change something. cause something has got to give or I'm bound to explode, and not in a good productive/creative way. I've been trying to wake up earlier this week, with limited success. And I'm also yet again attempting to keep my space more organize (we'll see how long it lasts this time). But I'm still extremely tempted to just sit in front of the T.V. all day and do nothing but watch reruns of Stargate or x-files. I really don t like being that lazy, i forced myself to keep busy around the house today; cleaned up my room, cleaned out the fridge, took out some trash, washed dishes, walked up to the corner market. Just trying to keep busy and moving, wanting to have something to show for a day for once. I'm not quite happy about going back into work tomorrow even though i like my job, because i know i wont get much done before work and will accomplish even less after i get out. It's frustrating because i t makes me feel like i only live and do things two days out of a seven day week. This is indeed an odd feeling of impotence