(no subject)
January:
"i slept with my light on last night, all night. i was scared of my mind wandering if i turned out the light, so i kept it on. i woke up turned it off, and got in the shower. cameron broke up with me. he just turned out to be someone completly different from who i thought he was. figures."
"seriously, there is.. something wrong with me. i don't know what, but something in my head is messed up. something in there somewhere is not the way it is supposed to be, and it causes me to be sad and insecure, to need people and to not be able to see past myself. it causes me to go crazy in the winter, and hate being in dark places. it causes me to always need someone, and to get extremely jealous."
February:
"i made a new friend, her names chelsea. i used to not like her, but she seems really nice. and i really need a friend at my school that i can actually bond with, cause i'm sick of not having good friends."
"i wanted to watch a movie. so, i brought the dvd player up to my room, set it up, and i put the dvd in. but, i couldn't bring myself to press play, because i knew that the first time i saw the movie i was with you and we laughed and ate pixie sticks and hugged and kissed because we were in love. i'm too afraid if i watch that movie that i will be reminded of all our memories and remember how much i messed up. i don't want to admit to myself or anyone else that i have feelings for you, so whenever i see you i'll pretend i don't notice you and i won't talk to you when you come online, and i could never look you in the eye. last night i was going crazy in my head. i want you to hold me again and i want to spend every weekend with you. i want to be with you and i miss you. i hate myself because i never thought i would miss you. but seeing you last night made me not want to be there. no one knows what it's like to regret like i do. no one. i'm not a strong person and i want you again. and it's too late. and we both know it. so for now when ever i pass you in the halls or you walk by me when i'm talking to another guy i'll smile my biggest smile and laugh and pretend like i'm the happiest person in the world without you."
March:
"everything in my life is going to crazy
i feel like this is the high school people
always talk about in books and movies
the high school that i am living in right now.
yesterday i left school
just got up
walked out
i don't think i've ever felt the freedom
i felt right then"
"i saw you
and i turned around
pretending to be doing something at my locker
then i saw the red of your shirt
come up besides me and i turned
and you were smiling at me
leaning up against the locker
besides mine
"did i see you friday night?" you asked
i smile
'i didn't think you would remember'
you're so close i can
imagine leaning in and kissing you
you smell like ciggerettes
it makes me want to start
i want to tell you that when you
come up to me in the halls
and talk to me
those are my favorite times during the day"
April:
"friday night was crazy. i don't know a better way to say it either. chelsea had a party and her and i were the only girls. i think i slept about an hour that night. i'm not even sure what to think about everything that happened either, i don't know if it's good, or bad. i think it might be good and bad but mostly bad."
"i had such a good day yesterday. me and chelsea left school last block and went to the tenis courts and tanned and talked. then we went back to school, picked up Alex, Jeff and Nick and drove up to stratton. i won't tell you details about that cause im sure a lot of people don't want me talking about it. but then we came back and went to the skate park and hung out with Derek, Andrew and Mike, and i think that im not shy around Mike anymore...and i really hope him and i have gotten past all that awkward stuff, because i like him a ton. i felt so amazing yesterday, like you don't even know. it was this new unbelievable feeling for me, it was like i could fly and i could do anything i wanted in life. it was like i was the only person in the world that mattered and nothing could bring me down. it was just.. wow."
May:
"my heart starts beating a million miles an hour when
he walks by me in the halls and grabs my hand
or when he locks eyes with me and smilessssssssss"
"i want this summer to be as amazing as last summer. but it won't be. because lizzy and i dont see eachother much these days, and ben and i aren't dating, and i'm not in love with reese anymore. i just kept on thinking about maine and last summer, and how you and i swore we would return and how i don't know if we ever will. i remember walking down the street listening to conor oberst and loving the way everything felt. i love you lizzy and please still be apart of my life and my summer, i know that i've been pushing you away but i really don't mean it. "
June:
"last night was interesting. we got up to the camp site at about 6ish. it was me, Tanya, Nick, Derek, Andrew, Mike and Cody. when we got there me and Tanya set up our beds and then me, Nick and Andrew decided to go on a hike. we all hiked, and Andrew was flirting with me so much and it was great because i have always had something for him. then we get back and Andrew keeps on flirting with me and like looking at me and smiling at me whenever i would look at him. but i knew not to let myself go to far because it was six and Andrew had already had about four beers. We all got back to camp and soon Kevin and Alex show up, and by now everyone is drinking a lot, except for Tanya and i. and Kevin starts getting like out of control and every time i would walk by him he would grab my butt and shit was i was getting so pissed off, and same with Tanya. so tanya like freaked out and was like "just because you;re drunk does not give you permission to grope everyone" and i think he stopped for awhile after that. so now it's like eleven and i had drank a little, like one or two beers and my head was spinning so i went and sat down near the cars for a second and Andrew comes over and holds my hands and asks me if i'm alright. and i was getting so fustrated because i had no clue what the fuck to think, like i like Andrew, i've always been really attracted to him, but i didn't know what the fuck to think. but by now my head was spinning and i was feeling shitty and i sat down and i must of dosed off and i woke up and Derek was like 'are you okay? do you want to go and lie down in my truck?' and i did and he put me to bed and it was sweet. so after awhile i decide to go to sleep and about this time everyone is, so i go in the tent and its kevin, andrew, me, tanya. and cody starts driving his truck so everyone gets out of the tent because he was in noooo condition to be driving, and they all leave me in there with Kevin and i'm half passed out, and Kevin starts trying to touch me and shit and i'm like "stopppp!!!!", but of course he wouldn't and i had to push him off me. then people come in and everyone goes back to bed, and Andrew rolls over and starts talking to me, and before i know it he is kissing me, and i like loved it, don't get me wrong, but just something felt so wrong about it, i think it was that i knew how drunk he was and that i liked him and i wasn't sure at all what i ment to him, and then there was Kevin who still wouldnt leave me alone and i was like "wow i need to get out of here" so i told them i had to pee and i got out and stood there and i was thinking "okay.. where do i go now?" so i opened Dereks truck and went in and layed down and Alex got out and it was just me and Derek and i was talking to him about how pissed i was about Kevin and he was rubbing my back and just talking to me and it was just like, sweet, you know? he didn't try anything, he just talked to me and held my hand and he even kissed my forehead. i just don't know what to think about the whole situation. i like Andrew, but i don't know if anything could ever come out of it, and Derek is so sweet but i'm not sure if i want more then a friendship with him."
PS. I lied in the end of that one, me and derek hooked up.
July:
"i feel so depressed and alone right now. i seriously feel like i have no one. i just started crying twenty minutes ago and now i can't stop. i'm so scared to leave and go to boarding school, i'm so scared of losing the little friends i have. i'm so scared of change to the point where i will keep the same rutine forever just because it makes me feel safe. i hate derek somedays, i feel like i am so completly in love with him (or something) and i;'m just another girl to him, and it fucking kills me, i just want to break up with him, but i'm scared of me not having him. i hate myself for becoming so attached to him, i hate myself for loving him. i am so scared of life and what is going to happen... i am so scared of getting to that school and having no one."
August:
"i'm so worried. and i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. i do not know who to turn to. i'm not sure who to trust and i;m not sure when i should start worryingggg. i need someoneee"
"This saturday my oldest sister, Faith, is getting married. Then on sunday, I will be turning sixteen years old. If you would like to join my friends and I, in celebrating my birthday (obviously everyone is invited) then you can contact me farther. This will be a great weekend."
September:
"i;m at school in burlington right now. i can't be on here for long but everyone PLEASE write me letters! i need contact from people. the adress is
sarah carpenter
rock point school
1 rock point road
burlington vermont"
October:
"hello everybody. i am at school right now, in burlington. i miss home a ton. i will be coming home on the 19th. school and life are interesting here. i have class until 12 every day, so the days almost fly by. the time is flying by too, i've already been here for four weeks. i can't wait to come home though, as much as i like it here there will only really be one true home for me, and that is in chester. the school is so small that everyone gets into everyone elses buisness, and there really is not any cliques at all. it's more or less like a big family. the relationships that i have with people here are a lot different from my friendships at home. i'm spending all of my time with these people, so i have grown some kind of bond with all of them, including the teachers and the dormstaff. i absolutely can not stand my room mate, she is annoying loud messy and insists on playing rap all night long. she also stole my underwear, no joke. i saw her wearing them, i almost threw up right on the spot. it was fucked up. anyway, letters? please send me some. much much love for now."
November:
"this makes more sense than anything has in a long time."
"i think things might slowely be going down hill"
December:
"He broke up with me. He likes her. I knew it the whole time. Whatever."
"i slept with my light on last night, all night. i was scared of my mind wandering if i turned out the light, so i kept it on. i woke up turned it off, and got in the shower. cameron broke up with me. he just turned out to be someone completly different from who i thought he was. figures."
"seriously, there is.. something wrong with me. i don't know what, but something in my head is messed up. something in there somewhere is not the way it is supposed to be, and it causes me to be sad and insecure, to need people and to not be able to see past myself. it causes me to go crazy in the winter, and hate being in dark places. it causes me to always need someone, and to get extremely jealous."
February:
"i made a new friend, her names chelsea. i used to not like her, but she seems really nice. and i really need a friend at my school that i can actually bond with, cause i'm sick of not having good friends."
"i wanted to watch a movie. so, i brought the dvd player up to my room, set it up, and i put the dvd in. but, i couldn't bring myself to press play, because i knew that the first time i saw the movie i was with you and we laughed and ate pixie sticks and hugged and kissed because we were in love. i'm too afraid if i watch that movie that i will be reminded of all our memories and remember how much i messed up. i don't want to admit to myself or anyone else that i have feelings for you, so whenever i see you i'll pretend i don't notice you and i won't talk to you when you come online, and i could never look you in the eye. last night i was going crazy in my head. i want you to hold me again and i want to spend every weekend with you. i want to be with you and i miss you. i hate myself because i never thought i would miss you. but seeing you last night made me not want to be there. no one knows what it's like to regret like i do. no one. i'm not a strong person and i want you again. and it's too late. and we both know it. so for now when ever i pass you in the halls or you walk by me when i'm talking to another guy i'll smile my biggest smile and laugh and pretend like i'm the happiest person in the world without you."
March:
"everything in my life is going to crazy
i feel like this is the high school people
always talk about in books and movies
the high school that i am living in right now.
yesterday i left school
just got up
walked out
i don't think i've ever felt the freedom
i felt right then"
"i saw you
and i turned around
pretending to be doing something at my locker
then i saw the red of your shirt
come up besides me and i turned
and you were smiling at me
leaning up against the locker
besides mine
"did i see you friday night?" you asked
i smile
'i didn't think you would remember'
you're so close i can
imagine leaning in and kissing you
you smell like ciggerettes
it makes me want to start
i want to tell you that when you
come up to me in the halls
and talk to me
those are my favorite times during the day"
April:
"friday night was crazy. i don't know a better way to say it either. chelsea had a party and her and i were the only girls. i think i slept about an hour that night. i'm not even sure what to think about everything that happened either, i don't know if it's good, or bad. i think it might be good and bad but mostly bad."
"i had such a good day yesterday. me and chelsea left school last block and went to the tenis courts and tanned and talked. then we went back to school, picked up Alex, Jeff and Nick and drove up to stratton. i won't tell you details about that cause im sure a lot of people don't want me talking about it. but then we came back and went to the skate park and hung out with Derek, Andrew and Mike, and i think that im not shy around Mike anymore...and i really hope him and i have gotten past all that awkward stuff, because i like him a ton. i felt so amazing yesterday, like you don't even know. it was this new unbelievable feeling for me, it was like i could fly and i could do anything i wanted in life. it was like i was the only person in the world that mattered and nothing could bring me down. it was just.. wow."
May:
"my heart starts beating a million miles an hour when
he walks by me in the halls and grabs my hand
or when he locks eyes with me and smilessssssssss"
"i want this summer to be as amazing as last summer. but it won't be. because lizzy and i dont see eachother much these days, and ben and i aren't dating, and i'm not in love with reese anymore. i just kept on thinking about maine and last summer, and how you and i swore we would return and how i don't know if we ever will. i remember walking down the street listening to conor oberst and loving the way everything felt. i love you lizzy and please still be apart of my life and my summer, i know that i've been pushing you away but i really don't mean it. "
June:
"last night was interesting. we got up to the camp site at about 6ish. it was me, Tanya, Nick, Derek, Andrew, Mike and Cody. when we got there me and Tanya set up our beds and then me, Nick and Andrew decided to go on a hike. we all hiked, and Andrew was flirting with me so much and it was great because i have always had something for him. then we get back and Andrew keeps on flirting with me and like looking at me and smiling at me whenever i would look at him. but i knew not to let myself go to far because it was six and Andrew had already had about four beers. We all got back to camp and soon Kevin and Alex show up, and by now everyone is drinking a lot, except for Tanya and i. and Kevin starts getting like out of control and every time i would walk by him he would grab my butt and shit was i was getting so pissed off, and same with Tanya. so tanya like freaked out and was like "just because you;re drunk does not give you permission to grope everyone" and i think he stopped for awhile after that. so now it's like eleven and i had drank a little, like one or two beers and my head was spinning so i went and sat down near the cars for a second and Andrew comes over and holds my hands and asks me if i'm alright. and i was getting so fustrated because i had no clue what the fuck to think, like i like Andrew, i've always been really attracted to him, but i didn't know what the fuck to think. but by now my head was spinning and i was feeling shitty and i sat down and i must of dosed off and i woke up and Derek was like 'are you okay? do you want to go and lie down in my truck?' and i did and he put me to bed and it was sweet. so after awhile i decide to go to sleep and about this time everyone is, so i go in the tent and its kevin, andrew, me, tanya. and cody starts driving his truck so everyone gets out of the tent because he was in noooo condition to be driving, and they all leave me in there with Kevin and i'm half passed out, and Kevin starts trying to touch me and shit and i'm like "stopppp!!!!", but of course he wouldn't and i had to push him off me. then people come in and everyone goes back to bed, and Andrew rolls over and starts talking to me, and before i know it he is kissing me, and i like loved it, don't get me wrong, but just something felt so wrong about it, i think it was that i knew how drunk he was and that i liked him and i wasn't sure at all what i ment to him, and then there was Kevin who still wouldnt leave me alone and i was like "wow i need to get out of here" so i told them i had to pee and i got out and stood there and i was thinking "okay.. where do i go now?" so i opened Dereks truck and went in and layed down and Alex got out and it was just me and Derek and i was talking to him about how pissed i was about Kevin and he was rubbing my back and just talking to me and it was just like, sweet, you know? he didn't try anything, he just talked to me and held my hand and he even kissed my forehead. i just don't know what to think about the whole situation. i like Andrew, but i don't know if anything could ever come out of it, and Derek is so sweet but i'm not sure if i want more then a friendship with him."
PS. I lied in the end of that one, me and derek hooked up.
July:
"i feel so depressed and alone right now. i seriously feel like i have no one. i just started crying twenty minutes ago and now i can't stop. i'm so scared to leave and go to boarding school, i'm so scared of losing the little friends i have. i'm so scared of change to the point where i will keep the same rutine forever just because it makes me feel safe. i hate derek somedays, i feel like i am so completly in love with him (or something) and i;'m just another girl to him, and it fucking kills me, i just want to break up with him, but i'm scared of me not having him. i hate myself for becoming so attached to him, i hate myself for loving him. i am so scared of life and what is going to happen... i am so scared of getting to that school and having no one."
August:
"i'm so worried. and i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. i do not know who to turn to. i'm not sure who to trust and i;m not sure when i should start worryingggg. i need someoneee"
"This saturday my oldest sister, Faith, is getting married. Then on sunday, I will be turning sixteen years old. If you would like to join my friends and I, in celebrating my birthday (obviously everyone is invited) then you can contact me farther. This will be a great weekend."
September:
"i;m at school in burlington right now. i can't be on here for long but everyone PLEASE write me letters! i need contact from people. the adress is
sarah carpenter
rock point school
1 rock point road
burlington vermont"
October:
"hello everybody. i am at school right now, in burlington. i miss home a ton. i will be coming home on the 19th. school and life are interesting here. i have class until 12 every day, so the days almost fly by. the time is flying by too, i've already been here for four weeks. i can't wait to come home though, as much as i like it here there will only really be one true home for me, and that is in chester. the school is so small that everyone gets into everyone elses buisness, and there really is not any cliques at all. it's more or less like a big family. the relationships that i have with people here are a lot different from my friendships at home. i'm spending all of my time with these people, so i have grown some kind of bond with all of them, including the teachers and the dormstaff. i absolutely can not stand my room mate, she is annoying loud messy and insists on playing rap all night long. she also stole my underwear, no joke. i saw her wearing them, i almost threw up right on the spot. it was fucked up. anyway, letters? please send me some. much much love for now."
November:
"this makes more sense than anything has in a long time."
"i think things might slowely be going down hill"
December:
"He broke up with me. He likes her. I knew it the whole time. Whatever."