Life of a Submariner
Though to most people this wont be funny I thought it was funny as hell, I'm still laughing about it! Puts in perspective how stupid and mundane a lot of the bs and everyday stuff I have to do is, or at least seems.
HOW TO SIMULATE SUBMARINE LIFE IN YOUR HOME.
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Every 2 hours after you go to sleep, have
someone whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack", or "Sign this!"
2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings,
closets, etc.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move
the shower head down to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
Squeegee and wipe down the stall when done.
5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you. Repeat back everything anyone says to you, aye.
6. Sit in front of your TV set, with the antenna disconnected and watch for 6 hours.
Report any unusual static patterns.
7. Put hydraulic oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
8. Don't watch T.V. Instead only watch movies that you don't like.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
10. Announce "Commence Snorkling!"
Setup your lawnmower in your living room and run for at least 1 hour.
Periodically hold your nose and mouth shut and try to blow out your eardrums.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Get a clipboard, paper, and leaky black ink pen, then take hourly readings
on your electric and gas meters.
13. Sleep with your dirty laundry at your side.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15. Get some broken exercise equipment and mount it to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Store up all garbage for a week in your bathtub. Compact and dispose of once a week.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
(Optional: Breakout a #10 can of ravioli or cold soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off :
Announce 'fire in the garage!'
Jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can.
Run into your garage and break out the garden hose.
Since there really wasn't a fire and everyone is up anyway have the kids clean
the house.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back
together (just in case they were about to break).
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really
thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep!" or "Torpedo Evasion!" ,
run into the kitchen, sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the kitchen stowed for sea.
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in
particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove
Secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Make the kids learn the location and operation of every light switch, outlet,
circuit breaker, valve, appliance, fire extinguisher etc..
Don't let them watch any TV/movies until they can recite same from memory. *
32. After 60 days or so; go load up the family in a taxi, go out to the worst part of town
(preferably where English is a second language), and have dinner at the most run down
bar or restaurant available. *
33. Every few years cut a hole in your roof, hire a some workers to remove all furniture,
appliances, electrial wiring, pipes etc. to a storage warehouse.
Go live in the neighbors garage for a year or so then put it all back. *
34. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
35. Spend 3 or 4 hours waxing your floors to perfection. Then, just before they dry, invite the whole neighborhood over to
walk across them. Then do it again.
36. Stand on your roof once every four days for six hours in the winter and don't let anyone in your house.
37. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
38. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
39. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration
however slight..."
40. Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle
to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
41. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell
you wife "calmly" I forgot to shut the valve and have her clean it up.
42. Start every story with "This is no-shitter".
HOW TO SIMULATE SUBMARINE LIFE IN YOUR HOME.
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Every 2 hours after you go to sleep, have
someone whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack", or "Sign this!"
2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings,
closets, etc.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move
the shower head down to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
Squeegee and wipe down the stall when done.
5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you. Repeat back everything anyone says to you, aye.
6. Sit in front of your TV set, with the antenna disconnected and watch for 6 hours.
Report any unusual static patterns.
7. Put hydraulic oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
8. Don't watch T.V. Instead only watch movies that you don't like.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
10. Announce "Commence Snorkling!"
Setup your lawnmower in your living room and run for at least 1 hour.
Periodically hold your nose and mouth shut and try to blow out your eardrums.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Get a clipboard, paper, and leaky black ink pen, then take hourly readings
on your electric and gas meters.
13. Sleep with your dirty laundry at your side.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15. Get some broken exercise equipment and mount it to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Store up all garbage for a week in your bathtub. Compact and dispose of once a week.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
(Optional: Breakout a #10 can of ravioli or cold soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off :
Announce 'fire in the garage!'
Jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can.
Run into your garage and break out the garden hose.
Since there really wasn't a fire and everyone is up anyway have the kids clean
the house.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back
together (just in case they were about to break).
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really
thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep!" or "Torpedo Evasion!" ,
run into the kitchen, sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the kitchen stowed for sea.
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in
particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove
Secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Make the kids learn the location and operation of every light switch, outlet,
circuit breaker, valve, appliance, fire extinguisher etc..
Don't let them watch any TV/movies until they can recite same from memory. *
32. After 60 days or so; go load up the family in a taxi, go out to the worst part of town
(preferably where English is a second language), and have dinner at the most run down
bar or restaurant available. *
33. Every few years cut a hole in your roof, hire a some workers to remove all furniture,
appliances, electrial wiring, pipes etc. to a storage warehouse.
Go live in the neighbors garage for a year or so then put it all back. *
34. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
35. Spend 3 or 4 hours waxing your floors to perfection. Then, just before they dry, invite the whole neighborhood over to
walk across them. Then do it again.
36. Stand on your roof once every four days for six hours in the winter and don't let anyone in your house.
37. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
38. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
39. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration
however slight..."
40. Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle
to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
41. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell
you wife "calmly" I forgot to shut the valve and have her clean it up.
42. Start every story with "This is no-shitter".