New Years etc.
Christmas and New Years have been pretty nice. nothing too exciting, but that's more of a good thing than a bad thing I guess. It's kind of weird to me how I've been ordering things on my own, getting credit cards, and doing the dishes for the family and such. I'm getting more and more independent. That's good (and about time) but also...weird. But I can't focus on that right now.
I keep feeling pangs in my heart. I keep thinking (trying to let go, but failing) about a dream I had way back when...before I knew that things wouldn't work out. The two of us, under the christmas tree, talking about the weather or something (maybe that's what they mean by "whispering sweet nothings") on a bench. I reach out, find resistance at first, and then we're embracing. That dream left me feeling so happy...the happiest I've been in my life, probably. Of course, it all broke apart.
A little more recently, I tried to enter that dream again. I never did fully, as I never got that feeling back, but I had to finish it, I had to make it right. The one I thought I could love was in my arms, and shattered away, like glass. I fell off of the bench in shock, squeezing some of the pieces in my hands, not caring how sharp they were. I lay on my stomach as the christmas tree fell over and shattered on my back. I lay still, in tears. The whole room (which was basically a white void) turned black and I started floating in empty space. Then I'm thrown out of what I see is my heart, with a hole in it. I started to feel chilly...then that vision or dream or whatever you call it faded away.
Looking at what I just typed, I guess that's kind of messed up, and maybe a bit cliché in a few ways. Still all this time I've been trying to deal with that hole that opened up. I pretty much wish that I never experienced the dream in the first place or the feelings that came with it. At least I wouldn't feel so empty now. My mind has been on a roller coaster about it - I get excited about meeting someone I could love, and I can go about doing stupid things, but then I get depressed because I cannot seem to love those I already want to care for. I often feel that there is little room for me in the lives of these people, who already get so much attention from others who are more significant to them, and rightly so. Suddenly living with myself is a lot harder than it has ever been.
I'm trying to release my feelings creatively...songs, building my tomb raider level, playing a clarinet, but these new feelings make it hard to focus. I have been able to contact those I care for through AIM, and that helps, though these conversations are a bit rare, especially concerning the one who keeps entering my mind, who was in my dream...who almost seems to be avoiding me. I need to let go of this, somehow. Because I know it's not going to work. Not now at least. Maybe not for a long time.
I keep feeling pangs in my heart. I keep thinking (trying to let go, but failing) about a dream I had way back when...before I knew that things wouldn't work out. The two of us, under the christmas tree, talking about the weather or something (maybe that's what they mean by "whispering sweet nothings") on a bench. I reach out, find resistance at first, and then we're embracing. That dream left me feeling so happy...the happiest I've been in my life, probably. Of course, it all broke apart.
A little more recently, I tried to enter that dream again. I never did fully, as I never got that feeling back, but I had to finish it, I had to make it right. The one I thought I could love was in my arms, and shattered away, like glass. I fell off of the bench in shock, squeezing some of the pieces in my hands, not caring how sharp they were. I lay on my stomach as the christmas tree fell over and shattered on my back. I lay still, in tears. The whole room (which was basically a white void) turned black and I started floating in empty space. Then I'm thrown out of what I see is my heart, with a hole in it. I started to feel chilly...then that vision or dream or whatever you call it faded away.
Looking at what I just typed, I guess that's kind of messed up, and maybe a bit cliché in a few ways. Still all this time I've been trying to deal with that hole that opened up. I pretty much wish that I never experienced the dream in the first place or the feelings that came with it. At least I wouldn't feel so empty now. My mind has been on a roller coaster about it - I get excited about meeting someone I could love, and I can go about doing stupid things, but then I get depressed because I cannot seem to love those I already want to care for. I often feel that there is little room for me in the lives of these people, who already get so much attention from others who are more significant to them, and rightly so. Suddenly living with myself is a lot harder than it has ever been.
I'm trying to release my feelings creatively...songs, building my tomb raider level, playing a clarinet, but these new feelings make it hard to focus. I have been able to contact those I care for through AIM, and that helps, though these conversations are a bit rare, especially concerning the one who keeps entering my mind, who was in my dream...who almost seems to be avoiding me. I need to let go of this, somehow. Because I know it's not going to work. Not now at least. Maybe not for a long time.