Jealousy
So, first news is: I have finally managed to get laid. Only took three months.... should have known I should stick with what I know!
Anyway, I've finally been able to get together my thoughts on why I'm generally not jealous (this might be because I've finally felt jealous - more on that later). So, I'm not jealous of the bf doing his thang with his gf because:
I'm reasonably secure in our relationship and confident that if he didn't want to be with me any more, he would tell me. You have to be confident in your ability to communicate because the factor that used to mean "I don't want to be with you any more" was sexual infidelity. Now that that factor has been changed, I have to rely on him just telling me. We've been together seven years, I know he'll find a way to say it. So I'm secure that there is no secret agenda or anything like that.
I'm reasonably secure (and more so recently *wink*) in my ability to find people to make me feel good should the bf decide he actually doesn't want to be with me. Polyamory has helped with this in a number of ways: I see my friends more often - what do you think I do when my partner is out on a date? I sometimes enjoy the time to myself but I normally check in with my friends and family, mostly face to face but on the net for people living further away. So: my other relationships are stronger. Also, knowing you're able to indulge your wandering eyes & hands makes you feel rather nice and when you feel rather nice people respond to you. It's like sex was there waiting for you, you just couldn't see it before. I've also ended up with much more intimate relationships with friends because there is no fear that your intimacy will be taken the wrong way and mistaken for infidelity.
I'm more secure that the bf won't want to leave me anyway because many of the reasons for leaving someone have been removed. Anything you don't get in your relationship, from sex to cuddles to having someone to watch the football with, can be got from other places without having to leave your partner. Only one proviso remains: wanting to stay. Also when both people are generally more happy, they tend to want to hang around each other more.
Sexually, it hasn't exactly been Olympic standard for some years. We have a groove (not a rut) and we're both happy with when, in what manner and how often we have sex together but the arrangement that makes us both happy when we're together does not cover both of our needs. Frankly when the bf found someone else to be with I was relieved because I was no longer soley responsible for looking after his sexual needs. Yes, it had become a burden and now it is not. I find it hard to be jealous of something that makes him so smiley and me so happy, especially since it no longer implies the end of our relationship.
So that's why I'm not jealous.
But today I was rather excited to realise I was jealous! It didn't last very long. The day after losing my polyamory virginity, I spotted via Facebook (evil!) that the man I'd lost it with had slept with another girl the day after me. RAGE! JEALOUS RAGE! Why was I feeling rageful? There was another lovely young woman actually in the house with us at the time of having my new fella, and that didn't upset me. I realised I was just upset because I hadn't known about this other woman and somehow thought it was unfair. "Three women in as many days, might as well install a revolving door" was my general feeling. I could hear my mental whinge of "but aren't I special?" "How can someone take my place so quickly?"
Yep, it's not about that is it. It's a bit stupid to complain that someone is having lots of sex. Someone you care for is having a good time, what's the problem? The jealousy comes from the fact that they are and you're not or perhaps they are but not with you. The problem is with you (me!). Either have more sex yourself or get on over and join in. And I am special and lady 2 is special and lady 3 is special. It's not a contest, they're not in my place. There's not a finite amount of love and affection that has to be divvied into a smaller portion when you have another mouth to feed (sorry to mix metaphors). Love and affection are abundant. My special evening is not now less special because another lady also had a special evening. The even more stupid thing is that I had also had sex with someone else the following day and thought absolutely nothing of it. Human beings are strange.
As I say, the jealousy didn't last very long, but it was good to experience it because I'd started to wonder if I was a bit weird after all.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to find more people to have sex with ;-)
Anyway, I've finally been able to get together my thoughts on why I'm generally not jealous (this might be because I've finally felt jealous - more on that later). So, I'm not jealous of the bf doing his thang with his gf because:
I'm reasonably secure in our relationship and confident that if he didn't want to be with me any more, he would tell me. You have to be confident in your ability to communicate because the factor that used to mean "I don't want to be with you any more" was sexual infidelity. Now that that factor has been changed, I have to rely on him just telling me. We've been together seven years, I know he'll find a way to say it. So I'm secure that there is no secret agenda or anything like that.
I'm reasonably secure (and more so recently *wink*) in my ability to find people to make me feel good should the bf decide he actually doesn't want to be with me. Polyamory has helped with this in a number of ways: I see my friends more often - what do you think I do when my partner is out on a date? I sometimes enjoy the time to myself but I normally check in with my friends and family, mostly face to face but on the net for people living further away. So: my other relationships are stronger. Also, knowing you're able to indulge your wandering eyes & hands makes you feel rather nice and when you feel rather nice people respond to you. It's like sex was there waiting for you, you just couldn't see it before. I've also ended up with much more intimate relationships with friends because there is no fear that your intimacy will be taken the wrong way and mistaken for infidelity.
I'm more secure that the bf won't want to leave me anyway because many of the reasons for leaving someone have been removed. Anything you don't get in your relationship, from sex to cuddles to having someone to watch the football with, can be got from other places without having to leave your partner. Only one proviso remains: wanting to stay. Also when both people are generally more happy, they tend to want to hang around each other more.
Sexually, it hasn't exactly been Olympic standard for some years. We have a groove (not a rut) and we're both happy with when, in what manner and how often we have sex together but the arrangement that makes us both happy when we're together does not cover both of our needs. Frankly when the bf found someone else to be with I was relieved because I was no longer soley responsible for looking after his sexual needs. Yes, it had become a burden and now it is not. I find it hard to be jealous of something that makes him so smiley and me so happy, especially since it no longer implies the end of our relationship.
So that's why I'm not jealous.
But today I was rather excited to realise I was jealous! It didn't last very long. The day after losing my polyamory virginity, I spotted via Facebook (evil!) that the man I'd lost it with had slept with another girl the day after me. RAGE! JEALOUS RAGE! Why was I feeling rageful? There was another lovely young woman actually in the house with us at the time of having my new fella, and that didn't upset me. I realised I was just upset because I hadn't known about this other woman and somehow thought it was unfair. "Three women in as many days, might as well install a revolving door" was my general feeling. I could hear my mental whinge of "but aren't I special?" "How can someone take my place so quickly?"
Yep, it's not about that is it. It's a bit stupid to complain that someone is having lots of sex. Someone you care for is having a good time, what's the problem? The jealousy comes from the fact that they are and you're not or perhaps they are but not with you. The problem is with you (me!). Either have more sex yourself or get on over and join in. And I am special and lady 2 is special and lady 3 is special. It's not a contest, they're not in my place. There's not a finite amount of love and affection that has to be divvied into a smaller portion when you have another mouth to feed (sorry to mix metaphors). Love and affection are abundant. My special evening is not now less special because another lady also had a special evening. The even more stupid thing is that I had also had sex with someone else the following day and thought absolutely nothing of it. Human beings are strange.
As I say, the jealousy didn't last very long, but it was good to experience it because I'd started to wonder if I was a bit weird after all.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to find more people to have sex with ;-)