Dreams of Other Me
I was on my way to an event - something like ABCs (?) ... some acronym for a business group of mostly brown people. It seemed like we were in a foreign country or new city? I had been looking at a map of islands and talking to someone about how no one knows the counties of their own places ... and then finding my favorite cove on the map (flashes of 'films' of blue water, waves and a lava formation at the edge of the water framing the waves coming in under the arch ... like Halona area?).
As we entered the building I swerved to go into the back lawn area where people were gathering. There was some need to avoid long chats with greeting table. My 'husband' followed me. We got into the food line; we were hungry. The line moved slowly and people milling about would cross through it. In front of me a man motioned to another older man to join him. The older man nodded to me and explained that this was his son-in-law holding his place in line ('not cutting in', he chuckled). I made some filial piety joke and we exchanged some banter. The eyes of the man and his son-in-law were focused on mine ... drinking me in as I basked in the attention. I was shining and laughing. My 'husband' behind me was almost ignored as he edged closer to me. I enjoyed the fact that these men could not imagine me being with this tall turbaned man (he was an avatar mix of both of my life loves). As it started to rain, the older man said something about 'Seattle weather'. His son-in-law was from there? I laughed and said something about traveling back and forth to Seattle to get my daughter settled into college ... mildly complaining, mildly relieved to be finished with that. We laughed as I said something about access. Then my husband leaned forward, just over my shoulder and said, "Now they can suppress" ... a joke(?) I laughed and touched his chest, "This is my asshole husband." The two men just stared and smiled politely, unsure if that was a joke or if they should be embarrassed for flirting with me.
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The fascinating thing about this dream (I awoke right after) was that I was so easily the old me. I was flirty, bantering, confident. The husband adored me and knew how to play my game. I wonder if that Me is still in me somewhere. I thought when I woke up about how I have no one around me who enjoys or even knows how to be like that (other than Bill Wolfe, who I routinely greet with "Heya, Gorgeous!")
The dream just plowed up my deep depressive thoughts again: I do nothing, see nothing, know nothing. My days are just countdowns?