A Fill for the Obscure & British Comment Fest IV
Prompt: The IT Crowd, Roy + Moss + Jen, playing a tabletop game together as a bonding exercise
Jen poked her head out of her office door. “Roy, can you come look at my computer? I can’t get online.”
"No one can. Our Internet is down.” He looked up from his comic. “Did you by any chance type Google into Google?”
“Shut up. That’s not funny anymore.”
“Mmmmm, yes, it is a bit.”
Jen stepped further into the room. “What are you doing about the Internet?”
“Moss is on the phone right now trying to sort it out.”
Moss hung up the phone. “Well, I got good news and bad news from our internet provider.” He took a long drink of his tea and leaned back in his chair.
“Well?!” Roy demanded.
“Oh, sorry. What a giddy goose.” He shook his head. “It seems a street construction crew accidentally severed some of their cables, and they may not be able to restore our connection until tomorrow.”
“Oh, no,” Jen said. “And what's the good news?”
“There’s a construction crew working down the street. Absolutely fascinating. I'm going to watch them during lunch.”
Richmond came out of the red door. “One of the lights that usually blinks has stopped blinking. I thought you should know.”
“That’s because the Internet is down,” Roy told him.
“Oh, I see. Did Jen type Google into Google?”
“Now, stop it, all of you. That will never be funny.”
“Oh, Jen, that joke will always be funny,” Moss said. “Like an Atari ST or a Commodore 64, it is a classic.”
Roy stood up and began putting on his jacket.
“Where are you going?” Jen asked.
“Home. There’s nothing to be done, and the phone will be ringing off the hook.”
“What do you mean? I haven’t heard a single call.”
“That’s because I unplugged it.”
“Well, you’re not taking the day off. There must be something IT-ish you can do that doesn’t require the Internet.” She headed back to her office. “While you do that, I’m going to send out an email letting everyone know what’s going on.”
“She’ll be back,” said Roy.
Jen appeared in her doorway again a minute later. “Yeah, I can’t send out an email. The Internet is down.”
Moss jumped up and began to pace back and forth in agitation.
“What’s wrong?” she asked in concern.
“I can't do it, Jen. I thought I could handle it, but I just can't. I feel socially disconnected and intellectually adrift. I need the Internet. I must have the World Wide Web.”
“Moss, Moss, calm down. It's going to be all right. There are lots of things to do that don't need the Internet.”
Moss plunked back into his chair and started to click his mouse.
“Are you trying to Google things to do that don’t require the Internet?” she asked.
“Yes. You see, I’m cracking up. I can’t even think.” Moss pulled an inhaler from the drawer and drew a deep breath. “You’re our department head. Tell me what to do.”
“Ok, ok. I have an idea.” She went into her office and came back with a box. “We can play a game. I bought one as an idea for a sort of bonding experience. This would be the perfect time for it.”
She cleared a space on the work table. Roy, Moss, and Richmond gathered around her and watched her lay out the game Sorry.
“So how do you play this game?” Roy asked.
Jen turned to him in surprise. “You've never played Sorry? How can that be? I love this game. We played it all the time when I was a child.”
He backed up. “Oh, is this a children’s game? You’re treating us like children now?”
“No, it's not a children’s game; it's an everyone game,” Jen said, her voice rising in volume. “Now sit down, and do as you’re told.”
The guys took their seats. Jen took a deep breath and continued, “Right, so, the way you play is, the pawns leave the Start circle and travel around the board until they get Home.”
“Are they going on a quest?” Moss asked.
“No, they’re just moving around the board.”
“You mean they’re just wandering aimlessly in a circle with no higher, nobler purpose to guide them?”
“I agree with Moss,” Roy interjected. “That sounds pretty pointless.”
Jen sighed. “All right, fine, they're going on a quest.”
Moss nodded in satisfaction. “And what is the nature of this quest?”
“Anything you like, Moss. Just make something up.”
"Right," he said and withdrew into deep contemplation.
“Jen,” Richmond said, digging in the box, “are there no black pieces?”
“No, just the four colors you see. Is that a problem?”
“Well, I always play black.”
“There’s red, yeah. Can't you play red?”
“I suppose, but it won't be the same,” he said dejectedly.
“So what powers do we have?” Roy asked, rubbing his hands.
“Powers?” Jen said. “No, you just draw a card, see, and move that number of spaces.” She held up a card.
“So no strength rating either, I gather? How do we know how much damage we do in battle?”
Jen shook her head. “No, no, we're not battling each other. That's not how this works. We're just pawns moving around the board.”
“Ah, so it's a metaphor,” Moss said. “We're all merely pawns in the great game of life. No wonder it's called Sorry.”
Roy leaned heavily on the table. “No, that's because it's a sorry game, and we'll be sorry we played it.”
“No, it’s not a sorry game,” Jen insisted. “It’s a classic. Like an Admiral GT or a Commando 44.”
The phone rang before Roy or Moss could respond. Jen excused herself to answer it, returning a minute later. “Right, Douglas has called a meeting, so I’ll be upstairs. Promise me you'll give the game a sporting chance while I'm gone.”
“Sure, we will,” Roy assured her. “The sporting-ist.”
The guys were laughing and talking excitedly when Jen returned from the meeting. “Aw, I told you you'd like it,” she said.
“You were right, Jen,” Moss said. “This game is a classic.”
“All it needed was a little updating,” Roy added.
Jen looked over their shoulders and gasped in horror. “What have you done to my game?”
“We improved it,” Richmond told her.
"Where did you get black game pieces?”
Richmond held up a bottle of nail polish. “The yellow ones were too cheerful. Now they're dark elves.”
“Or ninjas,” Roy said, pointing to a computer printout. “The new rules clearly state they could also be ninjas.”
“And the board,” Jen cried mournfully. “You've written all over it.”
“Of course,” Moss said. “How would you know which of the Nine Realms you traversed without an accurate map?”
Jen slapped her hand on the table. “No, no. No realms. No ninja-elves.” She picked up the card nearest her hand. “No ‘attacking hordes of marauding orcs with the sword of destiny.’ You just move your pawns around the board to go home.”
“Oh, now you're all for going home,” Roy said in affront. “You weren't so keen on it earlier.”
“Did someone mention a sword of destiny?” a voice called dramatically from the doorway.
Jen spun around. “Douglas? We were just…I mean, they were…” She sputtered to a halt. “Yeah, I've got nothing.”
Douglas approached the table and ran his eyes over the game. “Looks groovy. Any chance those marauding orcs might be sexy females?”
“I don't know. We'll have to consult the Quest Master,” Roy said, turning to Moss.
Moss rolled a multi-sided dice and flipped through a sheaf of papers. “Fortune indeed smiles upon you this day.”
“Excellent,” Douglas boomed, taking a seat. “Deal me in.”
Jen stood for a minute, opening and closing her mouth, while the game continued. Then she turned on her heel and strode back into her office. Emerging with purse in hand, she called as she headed for the door, “If anyone needs me, I'll be down the street watching the construction crew, praying a few are sexy, shirtless males.”
Jen poked her head out of her office door. “Roy, can you come look at my computer? I can’t get online.”
"No one can. Our Internet is down.” He looked up from his comic. “Did you by any chance type Google into Google?”
“Shut up. That’s not funny anymore.”
“Mmmmm, yes, it is a bit.”
Jen stepped further into the room. “What are you doing about the Internet?”
“Moss is on the phone right now trying to sort it out.”
Moss hung up the phone. “Well, I got good news and bad news from our internet provider.” He took a long drink of his tea and leaned back in his chair.
“Well?!” Roy demanded.
“Oh, sorry. What a giddy goose.” He shook his head. “It seems a street construction crew accidentally severed some of their cables, and they may not be able to restore our connection until tomorrow.”
“Oh, no,” Jen said. “And what's the good news?”
“There’s a construction crew working down the street. Absolutely fascinating. I'm going to watch them during lunch.”
Richmond came out of the red door. “One of the lights that usually blinks has stopped blinking. I thought you should know.”
“That’s because the Internet is down,” Roy told him.
“Oh, I see. Did Jen type Google into Google?”
“Now, stop it, all of you. That will never be funny.”
“Oh, Jen, that joke will always be funny,” Moss said. “Like an Atari ST or a Commodore 64, it is a classic.”
Roy stood up and began putting on his jacket.
“Where are you going?” Jen asked.
“Home. There’s nothing to be done, and the phone will be ringing off the hook.”
“What do you mean? I haven’t heard a single call.”
“That’s because I unplugged it.”
“Well, you’re not taking the day off. There must be something IT-ish you can do that doesn’t require the Internet.” She headed back to her office. “While you do that, I’m going to send out an email letting everyone know what’s going on.”
“She’ll be back,” said Roy.
Jen appeared in her doorway again a minute later. “Yeah, I can’t send out an email. The Internet is down.”
Moss jumped up and began to pace back and forth in agitation.
“What’s wrong?” she asked in concern.
“I can't do it, Jen. I thought I could handle it, but I just can't. I feel socially disconnected and intellectually adrift. I need the Internet. I must have the World Wide Web.”
“Moss, Moss, calm down. It's going to be all right. There are lots of things to do that don't need the Internet.”
Moss plunked back into his chair and started to click his mouse.
“Are you trying to Google things to do that don’t require the Internet?” she asked.
“Yes. You see, I’m cracking up. I can’t even think.” Moss pulled an inhaler from the drawer and drew a deep breath. “You’re our department head. Tell me what to do.”
“Ok, ok. I have an idea.” She went into her office and came back with a box. “We can play a game. I bought one as an idea for a sort of bonding experience. This would be the perfect time for it.”
She cleared a space on the work table. Roy, Moss, and Richmond gathered around her and watched her lay out the game Sorry.
“So how do you play this game?” Roy asked.
Jen turned to him in surprise. “You've never played Sorry? How can that be? I love this game. We played it all the time when I was a child.”
He backed up. “Oh, is this a children’s game? You’re treating us like children now?”
“No, it's not a children’s game; it's an everyone game,” Jen said, her voice rising in volume. “Now sit down, and do as you’re told.”
The guys took their seats. Jen took a deep breath and continued, “Right, so, the way you play is, the pawns leave the Start circle and travel around the board until they get Home.”
“Are they going on a quest?” Moss asked.
“No, they’re just moving around the board.”
“You mean they’re just wandering aimlessly in a circle with no higher, nobler purpose to guide them?”
“I agree with Moss,” Roy interjected. “That sounds pretty pointless.”
Jen sighed. “All right, fine, they're going on a quest.”
Moss nodded in satisfaction. “And what is the nature of this quest?”
“Anything you like, Moss. Just make something up.”
"Right," he said and withdrew into deep contemplation.
“Jen,” Richmond said, digging in the box, “are there no black pieces?”
“No, just the four colors you see. Is that a problem?”
“Well, I always play black.”
“There’s red, yeah. Can't you play red?”
“I suppose, but it won't be the same,” he said dejectedly.
“So what powers do we have?” Roy asked, rubbing his hands.
“Powers?” Jen said. “No, you just draw a card, see, and move that number of spaces.” She held up a card.
“So no strength rating either, I gather? How do we know how much damage we do in battle?”
Jen shook her head. “No, no, we're not battling each other. That's not how this works. We're just pawns moving around the board.”
“Ah, so it's a metaphor,” Moss said. “We're all merely pawns in the great game of life. No wonder it's called Sorry.”
Roy leaned heavily on the table. “No, that's because it's a sorry game, and we'll be sorry we played it.”
“No, it’s not a sorry game,” Jen insisted. “It’s a classic. Like an Admiral GT or a Commando 44.”
The phone rang before Roy or Moss could respond. Jen excused herself to answer it, returning a minute later. “Right, Douglas has called a meeting, so I’ll be upstairs. Promise me you'll give the game a sporting chance while I'm gone.”
“Sure, we will,” Roy assured her. “The sporting-ist.”
The guys were laughing and talking excitedly when Jen returned from the meeting. “Aw, I told you you'd like it,” she said.
“You were right, Jen,” Moss said. “This game is a classic.”
“All it needed was a little updating,” Roy added.
Jen looked over their shoulders and gasped in horror. “What have you done to my game?”
“We improved it,” Richmond told her.
"Where did you get black game pieces?”
Richmond held up a bottle of nail polish. “The yellow ones were too cheerful. Now they're dark elves.”
“Or ninjas,” Roy said, pointing to a computer printout. “The new rules clearly state they could also be ninjas.”
“And the board,” Jen cried mournfully. “You've written all over it.”
“Of course,” Moss said. “How would you know which of the Nine Realms you traversed without an accurate map?”
Jen slapped her hand on the table. “No, no. No realms. No ninja-elves.” She picked up the card nearest her hand. “No ‘attacking hordes of marauding orcs with the sword of destiny.’ You just move your pawns around the board to go home.”
“Oh, now you're all for going home,” Roy said in affront. “You weren't so keen on it earlier.”
“Did someone mention a sword of destiny?” a voice called dramatically from the doorway.
Jen spun around. “Douglas? We were just…I mean, they were…” She sputtered to a halt. “Yeah, I've got nothing.”
Douglas approached the table and ran his eyes over the game. “Looks groovy. Any chance those marauding orcs might be sexy females?”
“I don't know. We'll have to consult the Quest Master,” Roy said, turning to Moss.
Moss rolled a multi-sided dice and flipped through a sheaf of papers. “Fortune indeed smiles upon you this day.”
“Excellent,” Douglas boomed, taking a seat. “Deal me in.”
Jen stood for a minute, opening and closing her mouth, while the game continued. Then she turned on her heel and strode back into her office. Emerging with purse in hand, she called as she headed for the door, “If anyone needs me, I'll be down the street watching the construction crew, praying a few are sexy, shirtless males.”