You've Been In EMS Too Long If...
... SOB now means Shortness of Breath, and not necessarily how you feel about a person...
... you have your hands on your signifigant otherspouse/girlfriend , and it's not passion it's for practicing patient assessment...
... you're doing ambulance duty, and go home, your own dog won't let you into the family house, because he no longer recognizes you...
... members of the opposite sex are on the same vehicles in various states of half-dress, and nobody seems to notice it, mention it, or be embarrassed...
... "latex" no longer immediately brings to mind safe sex, but the gloves you wear...
... family pets clear a path when they hear the tones go off so they won't get mowed over, then greet you when you get back home, forgiving you for doing just that...
... You find humor in other people's stupidity...
... You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
... Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...
... Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...
... You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...
... You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...
... Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...
... You believe chocolate is a food group...
... You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...
... You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
... You have the bladder capacity of five people...
... Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
... You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
... You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol, Noranyl, and Narcan were put in the water instead of fluoride Dentists may be busier but EMS would grind to a halt...
... You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
... You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
... You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of: (choose one ): migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia and , a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol),the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
... You want to encourage an obnoxious patient to RMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
... You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
... You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
... You believe that "Ask-a-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...
... You believe that having an ambulance at a "Health Fair" was his next idea...
... You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...
... You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when it is even remotely calm...
... You refer to Friday as Con-Home Dump Day...
... You are totally astounded when someone from a convalescent home is understandable...
... You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...
... You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
... You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"...
... You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"...
... You have ever answered a "lost condom" call...
... You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...
... You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide: Doing It Right"...
... You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
... You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...
... You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.....
... You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet"...
... Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
... You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...
... You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
... You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your coworkers' hearts...
... You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...
... You believe a "Supreme Being consult" is your patients only hope...
... You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...
... When you notice your worse "pre-EMS bad hair day"isn't even close to your very best "EMS hair day" and neither you nor your partner seems to notice it...
... You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...
... You believe your patient is demonically possessed...
... You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
... Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
... You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...
... You have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"...
... You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...
... Your idea of gambling is an blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool...
... Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...
... Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard...
... You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...
... You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine...
... Your clothing have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...
... You've been chipping away at your Bachelors Degree for longer than most people take for a Doctorate...
... Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline...
... You have every referred to subcutaneous emphysema as "Rice Krispies"...
... You hear the phrase "I love you" more from the town drunks than you do from your Significan Other!
... When a motionless child is no longer a desired sight...
... When caffeine becomes a sedative...
... When starting your personal vehicle, you reach for the "Battery On" switch and the column-mount gear shifter...
And finally.....
... if you find any of this funny!!!!
... you have your hands on your signifigant otherspouse/girlfriend , and it's not passion it's for practicing patient assessment...
... you're doing ambulance duty, and go home, your own dog won't let you into the family house, because he no longer recognizes you...
... members of the opposite sex are on the same vehicles in various states of half-dress, and nobody seems to notice it, mention it, or be embarrassed...
... "latex" no longer immediately brings to mind safe sex, but the gloves you wear...
... family pets clear a path when they hear the tones go off so they won't get mowed over, then greet you when you get back home, forgiving you for doing just that...
... You find humor in other people's stupidity...
... You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
... Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...
... Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...
... You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...
... You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...
... Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...
... You believe chocolate is a food group...
... You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...
... You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
... You have the bladder capacity of five people...
... Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
... You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
... You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol, Noranyl, and Narcan were put in the water instead of fluoride Dentists may be busier but EMS would grind to a halt...
... You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
... You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
... You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of: (choose one ): migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia and , a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol),the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
... You want to encourage an obnoxious patient to RMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
... You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
... You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
... You believe that "Ask-a-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...
... You believe that having an ambulance at a "Health Fair" was his next idea...
... You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...
... You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when it is even remotely calm...
... You refer to Friday as Con-Home Dump Day...
... You are totally astounded when someone from a convalescent home is understandable...
... You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...
... You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
... You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"...
... You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"...
... You have ever answered a "lost condom" call...
... You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...
... You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide: Doing It Right"...
... You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
... You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...
... You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.....
... You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet"...
... Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
... You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...
... You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
... You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your coworkers' hearts...
... You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...
... You believe a "Supreme Being consult" is your patients only hope...
... You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...
... When you notice your worse "pre-EMS bad hair day"isn't even close to your very best "EMS hair day" and neither you nor your partner seems to notice it...
... You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...
... You believe your patient is demonically possessed...
... You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
... Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
... You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...
... You have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"...
... You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...
... Your idea of gambling is an blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool...
... Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...
... Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard...
... You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...
... You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine...
... Your clothing have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...
... You've been chipping away at your Bachelors Degree for longer than most people take for a Doctorate...
... Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline...
... You have every referred to subcutaneous emphysema as "Rice Krispies"...
... You hear the phrase "I love you" more from the town drunks than you do from your Significan Other!
... When a motionless child is no longer a desired sight...
... When caffeine becomes a sedative...
... When starting your personal vehicle, you reach for the "Battery On" switch and the column-mount gear shifter...
And finally.....
... if you find any of this funny!!!!