Why the hell did you stay with them?
I heard that question a lot tonight. A mate has made the decision to leave Australia to start a new life on the other side of the world and at the same time, leaving his wife. After a couple of drinks, we find out the our friend who is leaving the country in just over a week is debating even telling his wife that its over until he has well and truly left...
Straight away, almost everyone had an opinion and launched into sharing them, at the same time making sure their moral flag of decency was flying high above. The women standing firm with - "You don't do that to someone" and "As a woman, it's not right". I'm almost fairly certain anyone reading this is reaching many of the same conclusions. I was a little less on the immediate condemnation of him with the "asshole" label. Why? This guy is probably one of the nicest guys around - almost annoyingly so because you just get used to someone being that nice having an ulterior motive. We all knew that he wasn't happy around her and she herself was no shining beacon of positivity herself, yet there was still the "right" thing to do as far as most were concerned.
So he starts to explain why. The time when her fist to his mouth was actually his mouth hitting her fist but luckily her public outburst as the victim saved her. The time when he needed to go to back to his home country for the death of his father and she showed her support by not going with him because his mum didn't pay for her ticket. The times she lets him know it's ok if he doesn't want kids, he just needs to tell her so she can start making alternative arrangements so whoever their dad is, is still a part of their lives. At least she doesn't get violent often, mostly just insults and yelling..
Still, the opinions were split. I can't help but wonder if the roles were reversed what the advise would be if it was a woman who hadn't been hit too often, yelled at and insulted.. At the moment of first contact, most people would say they should get the hell out of there, don't look back. Just because he is a guy means he can defend himself if he chose to so it't not as big a deal? But they wanted to know why he stayed, why he married her, why he moved to another country with her. Because when someone has always been told how insignificant and useless they are, not being treated like shit almost becomes mistaken for love and kindness. After 11 years, trying to be treated as an equal and thinking if he does what she wants she'll get happier - Should the first time he has the confidence to do something for himself be viewed as the action of an asshole or should he not be applauded for the courage to not only make the choice but to make the choice to go alone?
I won't tell him what the right thing to do is, but feeling guilty is definitely not it.
Straight away, almost everyone had an opinion and launched into sharing them, at the same time making sure their moral flag of decency was flying high above. The women standing firm with - "You don't do that to someone" and "As a woman, it's not right". I'm almost fairly certain anyone reading this is reaching many of the same conclusions. I was a little less on the immediate condemnation of him with the "asshole" label. Why? This guy is probably one of the nicest guys around - almost annoyingly so because you just get used to someone being that nice having an ulterior motive. We all knew that he wasn't happy around her and she herself was no shining beacon of positivity herself, yet there was still the "right" thing to do as far as most were concerned.
So he starts to explain why. The time when her fist to his mouth was actually his mouth hitting her fist but luckily her public outburst as the victim saved her. The time when he needed to go to back to his home country for the death of his father and she showed her support by not going with him because his mum didn't pay for her ticket. The times she lets him know it's ok if he doesn't want kids, he just needs to tell her so she can start making alternative arrangements so whoever their dad is, is still a part of their lives. At least she doesn't get violent often, mostly just insults and yelling..
Still, the opinions were split. I can't help but wonder if the roles were reversed what the advise would be if it was a woman who hadn't been hit too often, yelled at and insulted.. At the moment of first contact, most people would say they should get the hell out of there, don't look back. Just because he is a guy means he can defend himself if he chose to so it't not as big a deal? But they wanted to know why he stayed, why he married her, why he moved to another country with her. Because when someone has always been told how insignificant and useless they are, not being treated like shit almost becomes mistaken for love and kindness. After 11 years, trying to be treated as an equal and thinking if he does what she wants she'll get happier - Should the first time he has the confidence to do something for himself be viewed as the action of an asshole or should he not be applauded for the courage to not only make the choice but to make the choice to go alone?
I won't tell him what the right thing to do is, but feeling guilty is definitely not it.