One-Sided Sacrifices
Some things just aren't fair.
I have been offered a fellowship at this organization that I am just in awe of. I have been interested in them for years. It's more of an office position than a legal position, but I feel like it would get my foot in the door. It's with the Tahirih Justice Center. They work with immigration and asylum cases for women who are the victims of heinous crimes in their home countries. Women who have suffered from female genital mutilation; women who need U-visas to stay here because they came here with their abusive husbands who then tried to kill them upon arrival; women who have run from their villages in deserted areas of Africa because they want to save their daughters from the physical, sexual and marital pain that they have endured and quietly put up with for all of their lives.
The office is in Houston.
I am realizing that I am willing to make sacrifices for other people, but people aren't willing to make sacrifices for me. And I don't mean doing me a favor or something. I mean, doing something for me that means they would have to give up something themselves. What does that mean? Does it mean that I'm too giving? That I expect too much? That they don't care as much about me as I thought? That they're selfish? That I should just stay here? That I shouldn't have applied for the job to begin with? That I'm just not worth it?
There is a lovely Baha'i woman in Houston who has offered me free housing. She has even offered to pay for my gas to and from work because she lives 45 minutes away. Apparently NONE of the fellows are ever offered this from their host families. She owns 27 acres of land and has a farm, with horses. She periodically holds awesome women's rights retreats on her property for people around the country. I would have my own room and bathroom. And apparently she just got back from travel teaching in China. She sounds amazing.
I've always thought it would be kind of cool to live on a farm. I'd love to learn how things on work on a farm. Feeding the animals, cleaning up, walking around in awesome boots with a piece of straw hanging out of the corner of my mouth (okay, let's bypass the straw, but keep the boots).
I can't go.
I have no one to take care of Cole. And I'm not giving him to the humane society, because they will put him to sleep. I know this for a fact. Mom won't take him, because she hates him. I shouldn't have taken on the responsibility of a dog. Why was I building a life when I should have instead of just done what I could to survive and then been done with whatever city I was living in?
I have too many belongings. And the thought of selling them all and then coming home after a year to nothing, scares me. I guess it's doable, but I'd rather not have to start all over. It's not that I'm attached to the things. It's the thought of having to rebuy things. I find it to be a waste of money. I would gladly sell the things if I wasn't having to come back here after a year. I'd gladly sell them if I was getting married to someone who already had all of these things. It's not that I'm attached to these particular pieces of furniture. I just know that I'll have to go through the whole process of getting new things when I come back and have nothing, and I find that frustrating and to be a waste of money when I already have stuff and won't be able to sell it for very much. My parents don't have space in their garage to hold it all, and mom says that the garage is filled with roaches anyway. It would cost too much to just store them, and this isn't a salaried job. I'd be getting an $800/month stipend.
Farah would have nowhere to go. She can't afford this rent on her own. We don't know anyone who could move in with her. She doesn't want to move home. If we found someone to live with her, she could keep all of my stuff and my dog and that would be the ideal solution. But we know nobody. If I said, "Hey, just stay here and I'll keep paying half the rent, and you can watch my stuff and my dog," then I'd be losing half my stipend on rent at a place I'm not living in, and most of the other half would be going towards my phone and credit card bills, living me with almost nothing for food and living in Houston. And I don't have enough saved up for a buffer when the stipend runs out.
I think, since I'm going to be getting paid, I would have to start paying off my loans.
I would have to figure out a way to get out to Houston. I would probably drive, because I'd have all of my stuff and I'd need my car when out there. I don't know if my car would make the drive to get out there, what with all of the crap that has been going wrong with it in the last month. I feel like it's still driving poorly.
The woman will have a cat by then, which I can deal with with drugs, but it's just another excuse to say no.
Maybe I don't want it badly enough. That's what my cousin thinks. Maybe I'd rather just stay here where it's safe, and there aren't any changes, and where inevitably, I'm going to have to move back home anyway when I can't find a job, and will end up having to sell my belongings and give my dog away, just like I'm trying to avoid doing right now.
I do want it pretty badly. I'm just not willing to screw my sister over and make really huge changes (like abandoning my dog and my things) in order to make it happen.
It looks like I'm not willing to make sacrifices for myself. I guess I can't really be upset that no one else will, either.
I have been offered a fellowship at this organization that I am just in awe of. I have been interested in them for years. It's more of an office position than a legal position, but I feel like it would get my foot in the door. It's with the Tahirih Justice Center. They work with immigration and asylum cases for women who are the victims of heinous crimes in their home countries. Women who have suffered from female genital mutilation; women who need U-visas to stay here because they came here with their abusive husbands who then tried to kill them upon arrival; women who have run from their villages in deserted areas of Africa because they want to save their daughters from the physical, sexual and marital pain that they have endured and quietly put up with for all of their lives.
The office is in Houston.
I am realizing that I am willing to make sacrifices for other people, but people aren't willing to make sacrifices for me. And I don't mean doing me a favor or something. I mean, doing something for me that means they would have to give up something themselves. What does that mean? Does it mean that I'm too giving? That I expect too much? That they don't care as much about me as I thought? That they're selfish? That I should just stay here? That I shouldn't have applied for the job to begin with? That I'm just not worth it?
There is a lovely Baha'i woman in Houston who has offered me free housing. She has even offered to pay for my gas to and from work because she lives 45 minutes away. Apparently NONE of the fellows are ever offered this from their host families. She owns 27 acres of land and has a farm, with horses. She periodically holds awesome women's rights retreats on her property for people around the country. I would have my own room and bathroom. And apparently she just got back from travel teaching in China. She sounds amazing.
I've always thought it would be kind of cool to live on a farm. I'd love to learn how things on work on a farm. Feeding the animals, cleaning up, walking around in awesome boots with a piece of straw hanging out of the corner of my mouth (okay, let's bypass the straw, but keep the boots).
I can't go.
I have no one to take care of Cole. And I'm not giving him to the humane society, because they will put him to sleep. I know this for a fact. Mom won't take him, because she hates him. I shouldn't have taken on the responsibility of a dog. Why was I building a life when I should have instead of just done what I could to survive and then been done with whatever city I was living in?
I have too many belongings. And the thought of selling them all and then coming home after a year to nothing, scares me. I guess it's doable, but I'd rather not have to start all over. It's not that I'm attached to the things. It's the thought of having to rebuy things. I find it to be a waste of money. I would gladly sell the things if I wasn't having to come back here after a year. I'd gladly sell them if I was getting married to someone who already had all of these things. It's not that I'm attached to these particular pieces of furniture. I just know that I'll have to go through the whole process of getting new things when I come back and have nothing, and I find that frustrating and to be a waste of money when I already have stuff and won't be able to sell it for very much. My parents don't have space in their garage to hold it all, and mom says that the garage is filled with roaches anyway. It would cost too much to just store them, and this isn't a salaried job. I'd be getting an $800/month stipend.
Farah would have nowhere to go. She can't afford this rent on her own. We don't know anyone who could move in with her. She doesn't want to move home. If we found someone to live with her, she could keep all of my stuff and my dog and that would be the ideal solution. But we know nobody. If I said, "Hey, just stay here and I'll keep paying half the rent, and you can watch my stuff and my dog," then I'd be losing half my stipend on rent at a place I'm not living in, and most of the other half would be going towards my phone and credit card bills, living me with almost nothing for food and living in Houston. And I don't have enough saved up for a buffer when the stipend runs out.
I think, since I'm going to be getting paid, I would have to start paying off my loans.
I would have to figure out a way to get out to Houston. I would probably drive, because I'd have all of my stuff and I'd need my car when out there. I don't know if my car would make the drive to get out there, what with all of the crap that has been going wrong with it in the last month. I feel like it's still driving poorly.
The woman will have a cat by then, which I can deal with with drugs, but it's just another excuse to say no.
Maybe I don't want it badly enough. That's what my cousin thinks. Maybe I'd rather just stay here where it's safe, and there aren't any changes, and where inevitably, I'm going to have to move back home anyway when I can't find a job, and will end up having to sell my belongings and give my dog away, just like I'm trying to avoid doing right now.
I do want it pretty badly. I'm just not willing to screw my sister over and make really huge changes (like abandoning my dog and my things) in order to make it happen.
It looks like I'm not willing to make sacrifices for myself. I guess I can't really be upset that no one else will, either.