Is 2009 here yet?
This week has been really hard.
22nd: one month since Victor passed away.
23rd: my 27th birthday. I was supposed to spend this with Victor, and actually enjoy myself.
24th: Christmas Eve at Amanda's parents' house, a day we were both dreading.
25th: Christmas. Victor was supposed to come to the movies with us today. He would have HATED the musicals that we've been watching since then, but he would have put up with them. He would have watched them because I wanted to watch them. Or he would have spent the day playing poker :)
I'm just really looking forward to this year being over.
Although on New Year's Eve, I'll just be remembering how I started 2008: lying on the floor with him, kissing him, watching the ball drop, throwing out the water from the glasses at every doorway. Going to bed completely ready to have a great year.
Epic failage.
I miss the kissing. I loved the kissing. As soon as he started kissing me, I was transported. It was passionate. It was an indulgence. It was heaven.
Now kissing will just become a means to an end.
I picture myself being completely alone for a very long time.
If I ever do get married, I picture myself feeling like I'm cheating on him.
I picture myself feeling guilty.
It's difficult to even comprehend the possibility of meeting someone new.
Of that stupid giddyness that you get when you're around them.
Of the flustered fumbling, the elated excitement (yes, there's a lot of alliteration when it comes to a new romance).
My heart hurts.
Oh yeah, Merry Christmas.
Sorry I'm so depressing.
22nd: one month since Victor passed away.
23rd: my 27th birthday. I was supposed to spend this with Victor, and actually enjoy myself.
24th: Christmas Eve at Amanda's parents' house, a day we were both dreading.
25th: Christmas. Victor was supposed to come to the movies with us today. He would have HATED the musicals that we've been watching since then, but he would have put up with them. He would have watched them because I wanted to watch them. Or he would have spent the day playing poker :)
I'm just really looking forward to this year being over.
Although on New Year's Eve, I'll just be remembering how I started 2008: lying on the floor with him, kissing him, watching the ball drop, throwing out the water from the glasses at every doorway. Going to bed completely ready to have a great year.
Epic failage.
I miss the kissing. I loved the kissing. As soon as he started kissing me, I was transported. It was passionate. It was an indulgence. It was heaven.
Now kissing will just become a means to an end.
I picture myself being completely alone for a very long time.
If I ever do get married, I picture myself feeling like I'm cheating on him.
I picture myself feeling guilty.
It's difficult to even comprehend the possibility of meeting someone new.
Of that stupid giddyness that you get when you're around them.
Of the flustered fumbling, the elated excitement (yes, there's a lot of alliteration when it comes to a new romance).
My heart hurts.
Oh yeah, Merry Christmas.
Sorry I'm so depressing.