(no subject)
let's enjoy this extremely nauseating feeling of, a section of my brain, near the back of my head, being picked at... producing this incredibly strange pain.. again (for the third or fourth time this week)
- my hands are freezing.
- my gigantic mams hurt like hell today.
- i'm feeling quite emotional.
- i must be getting my period soon.
On to another topic... Saw Jarhead with Jonathan today.. it made me quiet/extremely contemplative. Outwardly, it had the same affect as Tigerland.. but inwardly, it was completely the opposite. I don't know that I can explain fully yet... either one of those reactions. Still, sitting here, thinking about the moments in the movie that produced goosebumps on my skin, set a small fire in my heart, and made my eyes misty for a while.. brings those exact feelings.. I could cry right now, I have goosebumps right now, my chest is burning.. and I can't explain.. I can't articulate.. but I want to try. I've fought with idea of the military for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I used to be a soldier for halloween every year, because that's what daddy was. Then I went through a phase where I became really prissy and extremely against everything my Dad had done with me.. from learning to fight to all the talks we'd had about the military.. everything.. everything that a father would do with a son (i fought against being called a boy/tomboy by every other little kid), because I was afraid of my feelings for girls, I was afraid of me... I went on hating the idea of joining the military.. so long that I forgot the reason or even if there was one... which, in all actuality, there wasn't a real reason.. only fear and immaturity... There's probably much more that I could share with this and this must feel really fragmented to be reading, but this is my stream-of-consciousness.. I've always hated discussing politics... I stopped watching/reading the news, even though I really enjoyed it for the most part.. I try not to mention anything that could launch my Dad into a discussion about it.. especially about the president.. because we usually don't agree and there's nothing I can say to change his mind, so I don't bother.. I have to give him credit though, he listens a lot better than he used to and registers and understands.. as well as acknowledges good points on my end. I've had maybe two of these conversations with my Dad where we haven't gotten pissed at each other.. the one's where I've felt curious/brave enough to ask questions and provoke conversation about things have been good.. i have to be in the right mood/frame of mind for it. Sometimes I feel like catching up on the world.. but papers are pretty much always the same and so is the news on tv.. just different names.. it would take me, maybe 45 minutes to catch up on current events. I've taken this post into a completely different direction than my initial intention...
Jonathan asked me, "can you serve a country that discriminates?" and I said "it's no different than just living in a country that discriminates." He says "but this is signing a contract.. you don't have a paper to sign to live here.." I said "that doesn't make a difference.. what's a piece of paper when you live in/among/under it every day?" When you have to make your gender more noticeable when in public... I place my hand on my stomach just below my breasts, just to make them a little more noticeable to the people who stare when I enter a public restroom. If I'm wearing a coat, I unzip it and move it out from in front of me... what's sad, is that I hardly notice that I do this anymore. I don't look people in the eye in restrooms.. I don't like the feeling it gives me.. like *I'm* the one doing something wrong. That little piece of paper they don't tell you about having to sign.. that's something I've wrestled with since I learned of it. It's the reason I give my father for not joining the military when we discuss it. Lately, I've thought more about it.. what the fuck is a piece of paper? I still remember the day he told me "I used to think you wouldn't cut it in the military, but the way you've grown, you'd make a good soldier" I believe him now. Jonathan and I talked about the way it would change me and the way I would deal with authority/attitude.. and I could see myself just being the strong, silent type... because I already know that I don't like authority/haven't ever dealt well with it, so I would have to learn to bite my tongue, when I feel like snapping on some dipshit who says somethin' smart... I'll just write it all out at the end of the day, heh. He also said that he thinks the biggest problem for me would be for them to instill in me the ability to turn my emotions off... I told him that's something I've dealt with for years anyway and I know I have the ability to do it myself.. and that it's a scary feeling to know that. The military would get me a job/experience/degree/career paths and set me for life... they don't need to know who I'm fuckin'. Learn to play the game (Karan a.k.a "Moonbeam" is learning this one in the peace corps.."praise be to Allah" for everything).
done for now..
- my hands are freezing.
- my gigantic mams hurt like hell today.
- i'm feeling quite emotional.
- i must be getting my period soon.
On to another topic... Saw Jarhead with Jonathan today.. it made me quiet/extremely contemplative. Outwardly, it had the same affect as Tigerland.. but inwardly, it was completely the opposite. I don't know that I can explain fully yet... either one of those reactions. Still, sitting here, thinking about the moments in the movie that produced goosebumps on my skin, set a small fire in my heart, and made my eyes misty for a while.. brings those exact feelings.. I could cry right now, I have goosebumps right now, my chest is burning.. and I can't explain.. I can't articulate.. but I want to try. I've fought with idea of the military for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I used to be a soldier for halloween every year, because that's what daddy was. Then I went through a phase where I became really prissy and extremely against everything my Dad had done with me.. from learning to fight to all the talks we'd had about the military.. everything.. everything that a father would do with a son (i fought against being called a boy/tomboy by every other little kid), because I was afraid of my feelings for girls, I was afraid of me... I went on hating the idea of joining the military.. so long that I forgot the reason or even if there was one... which, in all actuality, there wasn't a real reason.. only fear and immaturity... There's probably much more that I could share with this and this must feel really fragmented to be reading, but this is my stream-of-consciousness.. I've always hated discussing politics... I stopped watching/reading the news, even though I really enjoyed it for the most part.. I try not to mention anything that could launch my Dad into a discussion about it.. especially about the president.. because we usually don't agree and there's nothing I can say to change his mind, so I don't bother.. I have to give him credit though, he listens a lot better than he used to and registers and understands.. as well as acknowledges good points on my end. I've had maybe two of these conversations with my Dad where we haven't gotten pissed at each other.. the one's where I've felt curious/brave enough to ask questions and provoke conversation about things have been good.. i have to be in the right mood/frame of mind for it. Sometimes I feel like catching up on the world.. but papers are pretty much always the same and so is the news on tv.. just different names.. it would take me, maybe 45 minutes to catch up on current events. I've taken this post into a completely different direction than my initial intention...
Jonathan asked me, "can you serve a country that discriminates?" and I said "it's no different than just living in a country that discriminates." He says "but this is signing a contract.. you don't have a paper to sign to live here.." I said "that doesn't make a difference.. what's a piece of paper when you live in/among/under it every day?" When you have to make your gender more noticeable when in public... I place my hand on my stomach just below my breasts, just to make them a little more noticeable to the people who stare when I enter a public restroom. If I'm wearing a coat, I unzip it and move it out from in front of me... what's sad, is that I hardly notice that I do this anymore. I don't look people in the eye in restrooms.. I don't like the feeling it gives me.. like *I'm* the one doing something wrong. That little piece of paper they don't tell you about having to sign.. that's something I've wrestled with since I learned of it. It's the reason I give my father for not joining the military when we discuss it. Lately, I've thought more about it.. what the fuck is a piece of paper? I still remember the day he told me "I used to think you wouldn't cut it in the military, but the way you've grown, you'd make a good soldier" I believe him now. Jonathan and I talked about the way it would change me and the way I would deal with authority/attitude.. and I could see myself just being the strong, silent type... because I already know that I don't like authority/haven't ever dealt well with it, so I would have to learn to bite my tongue, when I feel like snapping on some dipshit who says somethin' smart... I'll just write it all out at the end of the day, heh. He also said that he thinks the biggest problem for me would be for them to instill in me the ability to turn my emotions off... I told him that's something I've dealt with for years anyway and I know I have the ability to do it myself.. and that it's a scary feeling to know that. The military would get me a job/experience/degree/career paths and set me for life... they don't need to know who I'm fuckin'. Learn to play the game (Karan a.k.a "Moonbeam" is learning this one in the peace corps.."praise be to Allah" for everything).
done for now..