just wanted to write (share)...
I was thinking yesterday about the fact that when asked what my biggest fear is, I say that I'm not scared of much... I thought about this while listening to music on the ride home from work.. this woman's voice touched me differently this time and I wanted to sing along with her.. I instantly thought about how incredibly terrified and sad I would be if I could no longer hear. How communication would change and how long it would take for my voice to change.. because, yes, I've used my voice all these years and I know how.. but when you can't hear what you're saying or with what kind of force (how loud or soft) you're saying it with.. you would have to try harder to feel in your throat/mouth/tongue, the different ways you feel volume there.. what it feels like to scream versus what it feels like to whisper.. sometimes it can feel like the same strain on the same muscles for both.
Oh how it would wreck my world to not be able to hear myself sing anymore or to hear music.. ah but then I could feel music the way other people couldn't.. I don't know. I'm sure I'd find something really beautiful and fulfilling about the whole thing, but I would be sad for a while...
I was told by my aunt once (about my singing), that it is a gift from God and that I should use it to glorify His name.. it should be used for Him.. (she was trying to encourage me to get over my terrible stage fright).. She also said that if God's gifts aren't used they are taken away from the person He's blessed them with. I don't think she realized how fucking terrified that made me... or maybe she did. I used to sit and think about this.. I used to wonder if there was a time limit placed on such things.. how much time did I have to get over my stage fright until my chance to use my voice was gone. I thought about being voice-less period and how awful that would be.. but then I wondered why this God would take away something that made me feel the most pure joy.. if He was supposed to be an ever-loving God.