I just had a creepy vision
of my fists hitting this computer monitor until they are bloody... blood splattered everywhere... and me getting up from my seat, throwing my bag over my shoulder and walking out of here.
that would feel fucking wonderful.
the crazy part about this is... nothing has happened today to make me feel any more like hating my job... it just is.
lately I have felt...
- like a part of me has died... a very important part.
- like I could snap for pretty much no reason.
- like becoming something that's easier for ignorant/close-minded people to deal with. (i.e. growing my hair back out and dressing a little less baggy)
- proud that I've been able to hold myself together fairly well.. fighting back the ever-present urge to be a complete bitch about situations that I deem bullshit. (and maybe it would be okay to stand up for myself more/in more situations, but I feel that unnecessary amounts of anger would show through if I always said what I think/feel.. and I've never liked that.. I never want to seem uncaring or heartless, because some people just won't understand.. but where do I draw the line.. within me.. where do I say "that's enough bullshit for today, fuck you very much and have a nice life"..?)
- the need to say goodbye to some old friends.. because I've had enough.. I've been pushed around enough, they've walked on me enough.
- insecure... extremely insecure.
- that I hate caring about people who don't care about themselves.
- that, most days, I don't like myself. (maybe it's that I'm sensing the same weaknesses in myself that I don't tolerate in other people.. but of course maybe that's why I don't tolerate them in other people.. because they've always been in me..)
- like deleting my entire livejournal account.. because I hate the stupid shit that I write about.
- like dying.
- violent
- that I'm tired of people fucking with me when I'm just trying to be nice to them, because they think it's funny.
- sooooo tired of being emotional.
- like putting people in their fucking place.. that deserve/need it... (like "fetis" for example.. not everything is about you, you fucking miserable immature cunt).
- that I hate that I bruise so easily.. I hate how pale I've become.. I hate the lines that are becoming more present on my face.
- that I hate my scars.
- that I am completely ridiculous... that so many things are completely ridiculous.
- that I hate that I'm lazy and can't seem to motivate myself to fix it.
I'm done for now.
that would feel fucking wonderful.
the crazy part about this is... nothing has happened today to make me feel any more like hating my job... it just is.
lately I have felt...
- like a part of me has died... a very important part.
- like I could snap for pretty much no reason.
- like becoming something that's easier for ignorant/close-minded people to deal with. (i.e. growing my hair back out and dressing a little less baggy)
- proud that I've been able to hold myself together fairly well.. fighting back the ever-present urge to be a complete bitch about situations that I deem bullshit. (and maybe it would be okay to stand up for myself more/in more situations, but I feel that unnecessary amounts of anger would show through if I always said what I think/feel.. and I've never liked that.. I never want to seem uncaring or heartless, because some people just won't understand.. but where do I draw the line.. within me.. where do I say "that's enough bullshit for today, fuck you very much and have a nice life"..?)
- the need to say goodbye to some old friends.. because I've had enough.. I've been pushed around enough, they've walked on me enough.
- insecure... extremely insecure.
- that I hate caring about people who don't care about themselves.
- that, most days, I don't like myself. (maybe it's that I'm sensing the same weaknesses in myself that I don't tolerate in other people.. but of course maybe that's why I don't tolerate them in other people.. because they've always been in me..)
- like deleting my entire livejournal account.. because I hate the stupid shit that I write about.
- like dying.
- violent
- that I'm tired of people fucking with me when I'm just trying to be nice to them, because they think it's funny.
- sooooo tired of being emotional.
- like putting people in their fucking place.. that deserve/need it... (like "fetis" for example.. not everything is about you, you fucking miserable immature cunt).
- that I hate that I bruise so easily.. I hate how pale I've become.. I hate the lines that are becoming more present on my face.
- that I hate my scars.
- that I am completely ridiculous... that so many things are completely ridiculous.
- that I hate that I'm lazy and can't seem to motivate myself to fix it.
I'm done for now.