Rules for blind dates/online dates
Listen, I know this does this audience of predominantly married people no good, but I'm going to say it anyway. Tell someone who doesn't know these things--- I can think of two people not in this audience I would love to tell, except that it would involve speaking to them again. I struggled with dating and did it badly for a long time. What I've figured out is that it's a skill, one that comes more naturally to some than others, but it can be acquired and it can be learned. But, imho, you have to bring certain things to the table. I'm putting this into the universe to reduce the frequency of my own and others' unfortunate encounters.
Basic requirements for dating
1. Ability to speak. Seriously people. If you cannot make small talk with strangers, online/blind dates are never, ever, ever going to work for you. I feel your pain. I'm not princess of the social world, myself. I've cultivated an imperfect ability to small talk. Look into it. You can small talk with people you already know for practice, until it feels more natural. Safe all-purpose topics: the weather, current events, family/number of siblings, job, hobbies, pets, sometimes sports, books, movies. Keep it light--- deeply personal topics too early in the relationship is a deal killer for many people. Conversation of this type is like a friendly game of ping pong or tennis. You're just looking to keep the ball in play and moving. Your aim is not to score points, just to keep a volley going. If there's uncomfortable silence for longer than 30 seconds (you'll know it's uncomfortable because the other person will begin looking around the room anxiously), throw out a neutral topic and see if you can't get the ball moving again. "I hear this warm weather is going to stick around for a bit. Should make for a nice weekend."
2. Basic ability to at least pretend an interest in life forms other than yourself. I know, this sounds like the first one, but it varies in this way: Your ability to talk, now firmly established, is half the battle. The other half is your ability to involve the other person. Ask a question. Pretend to listen to the answer. Better yet, half listen for the seed of your next question. Like this: Q: So where are you from, originally? A. Anywhere not here. Q. Really? [option a]: What's it like there? [option b]: What brought you here? [option c]: Did you like it there? [Variation] Q. So where are you from, originally? A. Here. Q. [option a]: What was your favorite thing about growing up here? [option b]: Have you ever wanted to live anywhere else? [option c]: What's your favorite local attraction?
You can do this with many types of questions. Lather, rinse, repeat. A quick hint: you can cheat at this by mirroring their questions back to them. Example: Them: Do you have any brothers or sisters? You: No, I'm an only child, but I always wanted a big sister. How about you? Any siblings?
That makes it look like a conversation. If you only talk about yourself, they'll think you're a narcissist. If you don't talk at all about yourself, they'll feel interrogated. Aim to strike as natural a balance as possible.
3. Ability to look conversation partner in the eye, at least occasionally. This is more important than you might think. If you don't look the other person in the eye, they think you don't like them, they conclude you're not to be trusted--- it's the genesis of a whole host of problems. So, seriously, practice. This isn't staring deeply into another person's eyes, it's building a basic social connection--- establishing that they are your intended target for the question you just asked.
4. Ability to calm down. Everyone is nervous. Dating is hard. But if you spend the first 45 minutes unable to get past your own anxiety, you may not realize the date is over before it starts for you. This is just another person, someone about whom you get a vote regarding future encounters. No matter how much you might like or dislike them, your future happiness does not depend on this one encounter. And on the chance that this is your future mate, it's better to focus on making sure they're comfortable than to sit there consumed with your own neuroses. Put them at ease by smiling, showing an interest, looking them in the eye, and before you know it, you'll be relaxing yourself. Also, have a sense of humor.* Awkward comes with the territory. Don't let it shake you.
(*Sense of humor is good, but remember that you don't know this person. Be a little circumspect so you don't unintentionally offend. Similarly, best not to curse on a first date. Goes without saying? Yeah, you would think it would, but it doesn't.)
Basic requirements for dating
1. Ability to speak. Seriously people. If you cannot make small talk with strangers, online/blind dates are never, ever, ever going to work for you. I feel your pain. I'm not princess of the social world, myself. I've cultivated an imperfect ability to small talk. Look into it. You can small talk with people you already know for practice, until it feels more natural. Safe all-purpose topics: the weather, current events, family/number of siblings, job, hobbies, pets, sometimes sports, books, movies. Keep it light--- deeply personal topics too early in the relationship is a deal killer for many people. Conversation of this type is like a friendly game of ping pong or tennis. You're just looking to keep the ball in play and moving. Your aim is not to score points, just to keep a volley going. If there's uncomfortable silence for longer than 30 seconds (you'll know it's uncomfortable because the other person will begin looking around the room anxiously), throw out a neutral topic and see if you can't get the ball moving again. "I hear this warm weather is going to stick around for a bit. Should make for a nice weekend."
2. Basic ability to at least pretend an interest in life forms other than yourself. I know, this sounds like the first one, but it varies in this way: Your ability to talk, now firmly established, is half the battle. The other half is your ability to involve the other person. Ask a question. Pretend to listen to the answer. Better yet, half listen for the seed of your next question. Like this: Q: So where are you from, originally? A. Anywhere not here. Q. Really? [option a]: What's it like there? [option b]: What brought you here? [option c]: Did you like it there? [Variation] Q. So where are you from, originally? A. Here. Q. [option a]: What was your favorite thing about growing up here? [option b]: Have you ever wanted to live anywhere else? [option c]: What's your favorite local attraction?
You can do this with many types of questions. Lather, rinse, repeat. A quick hint: you can cheat at this by mirroring their questions back to them. Example: Them: Do you have any brothers or sisters? You: No, I'm an only child, but I always wanted a big sister. How about you? Any siblings?
That makes it look like a conversation. If you only talk about yourself, they'll think you're a narcissist. If you don't talk at all about yourself, they'll feel interrogated. Aim to strike as natural a balance as possible.
3. Ability to look conversation partner in the eye, at least occasionally. This is more important than you might think. If you don't look the other person in the eye, they think you don't like them, they conclude you're not to be trusted--- it's the genesis of a whole host of problems. So, seriously, practice. This isn't staring deeply into another person's eyes, it's building a basic social connection--- establishing that they are your intended target for the question you just asked.
4. Ability to calm down. Everyone is nervous. Dating is hard. But if you spend the first 45 minutes unable to get past your own anxiety, you may not realize the date is over before it starts for you. This is just another person, someone about whom you get a vote regarding future encounters. No matter how much you might like or dislike them, your future happiness does not depend on this one encounter. And on the chance that this is your future mate, it's better to focus on making sure they're comfortable than to sit there consumed with your own neuroses. Put them at ease by smiling, showing an interest, looking them in the eye, and before you know it, you'll be relaxing yourself. Also, have a sense of humor.* Awkward comes with the territory. Don't let it shake you.
(*Sense of humor is good, but remember that you don't know this person. Be a little circumspect so you don't unintentionally offend. Similarly, best not to curse on a first date. Goes without saying? Yeah, you would think it would, but it doesn't.)