My brain right now
Okay. Let me walk you through a day in the life of Roni right now.
Wake up at about nine, after having fallen asleep at eight. That's right, one hour of sleep. Anyway, wake up, feel guilty for sleeping too long. Feel guilty for not sleeping longer. Feel guilty for having been AWOL for an hour, so if anyone needed or wanted to talk to you, you were unconscious. Force yourself to get out of bed.
Look at toothbrush and toothpaste. Contemplate brushing teeth. Decide you don't have enough energy to do it. Do put on deodorant, so at least that's happened. Look at clothes. Contemplate getting dressed. Don't.
Crawl back into bed. Lie there. Feel guilty about lying there.
Finally get up. Pick a few things up. If you're lucky, you actually put the things where they should go. Usually, you just move them elsewhere.
Look at the overflowing trash can. Contemplate taking it outside. Don't.
Look at the dishes. Feel guilty for not taking the trash outside. Think of all the things that's going to have to go into you taking things outside so people who might happen to drive by don't judge you for being a lazy slob who doesn't get dressed. Spend the next half hour getting dressed. Grab the trash. Take it outside. No one passes by- you dealt with the crippling fear of being judged for nothing.
Go back inside. Feel so exhausted over simply taking the freaking trash outside and the big battle you had to fight with yourself first that you go lie back down.
Feel guilty over lying down.
Look at the dishes. Don't feel like washing them by hand, which you really should do, at least for the silverware. Load the dishes up in the dishwasher (which is a step up from a month ago, when you refused to go near the sink because there was a nest of spiders living in it, and you really don't like dealing with spiders ever since dealing with almost being hospitalized by one), put the soap in the soap spot, turn the dishwasher on.
Go lie back down, only this time, put on a disc of Veronica Mars. Tell yourself that it's for productive reasons, like the stories that you want to write. (Because I am a geek like that and write fanfiction.)
Hear the dishwasher stop. Open it up. Think about taking the dishes out and putting them away. Don't do it.
Feel guilty about leaving the dishes there, but don't feel like taking them out and putting them away, so you put more soap in and wash the dishes again.
Watch more Veronica Mars, feeling guilty over not putting the dishes away.
Eight hours later, realize that you're hungry. Contemplate eating. Don't. Decide to watch more Veronica Mars.
Three hours later, realize that you're still hungry, so you pause Veronica Mars and heat up a frozen pizza. Eat it.
Have a notebook in front of you to write in while you watch more Veronica Mars. Don't write a single freaking word. Feel guilty over not writing.
Keep watching Veronica Mars until seven in the morning. Feel overwhelmingly guilty for not doing more the day before. Cry yourself to sleep for being a screw up.
Wake up an hour later. Start the whole process over again.
Interspersed throughout that is also "Friend decides to go to sleep because it's 3 am for them, and they have school in the morning and need to wake up early. Feel like they're abandoning you. Feel guilty for feeling like they're abandoning you, because they're not and logically, you know that they aren't. Feel guilty over having to battle with yourself over this, and remind yourself that they're NOT FREAKING ABANDONING YOU, they simply have to get some sleep like normal people, because most people don't sleep only an hour at a time.
Then there are the days where I'm able to go to the college campus and get internet. Those days are the same, up into some point, where there's:
Get dressed. Pack up computer. Wait for little brother to arrive.
Go to school. Walk. Feel stupid for carrying a computer bag when everyone else is carrying a backpack, and seriously, you keep telling yourself you're going to get a backpack, so other people won't judge you, even though they're not judging you now, and even if they did, they don't know you so why does it matter? But they are and it does.
Feel like a screw up who can't do anything right.
Set up your computer in a little corner of the library nobody goes near, so that maybe you won't have to feel like everyone around you is judging you.
Scour Craigslist and apply for jobs. Interestingly enough? No self-doubt here.
Spend ten minutes fighting with yourself, before giving in. Log into AoL so you can RP. There's nothing there. Feel guilty that there's nothing there. Feel like nobody wants to RP with you, because you've found out that someone has specifically requested they not be on a team with you. Rack your brains trying to figure out what you've done wrong. (Spend the next month sporadically crying, and feeling even more like a screw up, because apparently, you've done something so bad that a friend doesn't want to RP with you and you don't even know what the HELL you did. Be decimated and devastated.)((I did finally find out what I did.))
Open up FE, the RP site you've created, so you can do some admin stuff and really get it ready for people to RP on, instead of looking half-assed. Feel completely overwhelmed by everything you need to do. Thought process: "But who am I kidding? No one is going to want to RP here anyway, so I'll just put all this time and effort into it, and nobody is going to want it, and yet again, it's something that I'm trying to do and failing miserably because I'm full of fail and I fail at life."
Log into an new RP site that you enjoy. Think about a) making more characters, and b) RPing them, and then your thought process goes, "I'll make these characters, but no one's going to want to RP with me anyway, so I'll just have all these characters and nothing to do with them".
Think about logging onto BP and doing things. Feel bad about getting people's hopes up that you'd RP there since you have no internet. Meant to work on characters offline so that when you got back online, you could post characters. Don't feel like logging in for the first time in over a month with nothing to show for it. Feel massive amounts of guilt, and go cry in the bathroom.
Little brother shows up, says he needs to do homework between classes, hands you money and tells you to walk across campus to pick food up from the Student Union. Know that you're going to run into a LOT of people. And every single one of them is going to judge you. Tell yourself that you're probably not going to run into people, and even if you do, you don't know them, their opinion doesn't matter. Be overwhelmed by this anyway.
Finally go to the Student Union. Pick out food. Pay for it. Walk back. Don't run into very many people after all.
I know this sounds stupid. These things that most people can do without a second thought, I have to spend five minutes battling with myself to do. By the time other people actually are involved, I'm already exhausted and emotionally raw, and I feel like I'm not being listened to half the time, and that makes me mad, and I feel guilty for getting mad, and...
Yeah. Apparently, this is a major symptom of depression. I did not know this. I thought that depression was simply being sad or suicidal. Apparently this crippling guilt and overwhelming paranoia that random people are going to judge me? Is depression.
Guess who's renewing her Cymbalta prescription ASA-freaking-P?
Wake up at about nine, after having fallen asleep at eight. That's right, one hour of sleep. Anyway, wake up, feel guilty for sleeping too long. Feel guilty for not sleeping longer. Feel guilty for having been AWOL for an hour, so if anyone needed or wanted to talk to you, you were unconscious. Force yourself to get out of bed.
Look at toothbrush and toothpaste. Contemplate brushing teeth. Decide you don't have enough energy to do it. Do put on deodorant, so at least that's happened. Look at clothes. Contemplate getting dressed. Don't.
Crawl back into bed. Lie there. Feel guilty about lying there.
Finally get up. Pick a few things up. If you're lucky, you actually put the things where they should go. Usually, you just move them elsewhere.
Look at the overflowing trash can. Contemplate taking it outside. Don't.
Look at the dishes. Feel guilty for not taking the trash outside. Think of all the things that's going to have to go into you taking things outside so people who might happen to drive by don't judge you for being a lazy slob who doesn't get dressed. Spend the next half hour getting dressed. Grab the trash. Take it outside. No one passes by- you dealt with the crippling fear of being judged for nothing.
Go back inside. Feel so exhausted over simply taking the freaking trash outside and the big battle you had to fight with yourself first that you go lie back down.
Feel guilty over lying down.
Look at the dishes. Don't feel like washing them by hand, which you really should do, at least for the silverware. Load the dishes up in the dishwasher (which is a step up from a month ago, when you refused to go near the sink because there was a nest of spiders living in it, and you really don't like dealing with spiders ever since dealing with almost being hospitalized by one), put the soap in the soap spot, turn the dishwasher on.
Go lie back down, only this time, put on a disc of Veronica Mars. Tell yourself that it's for productive reasons, like the stories that you want to write. (Because I am a geek like that and write fanfiction.)
Hear the dishwasher stop. Open it up. Think about taking the dishes out and putting them away. Don't do it.
Feel guilty about leaving the dishes there, but don't feel like taking them out and putting them away, so you put more soap in and wash the dishes again.
Watch more Veronica Mars, feeling guilty over not putting the dishes away.
Eight hours later, realize that you're hungry. Contemplate eating. Don't. Decide to watch more Veronica Mars.
Three hours later, realize that you're still hungry, so you pause Veronica Mars and heat up a frozen pizza. Eat it.
Have a notebook in front of you to write in while you watch more Veronica Mars. Don't write a single freaking word. Feel guilty over not writing.
Keep watching Veronica Mars until seven in the morning. Feel overwhelmingly guilty for not doing more the day before. Cry yourself to sleep for being a screw up.
Wake up an hour later. Start the whole process over again.
Interspersed throughout that is also "Friend decides to go to sleep because it's 3 am for them, and they have school in the morning and need to wake up early. Feel like they're abandoning you. Feel guilty for feeling like they're abandoning you, because they're not and logically, you know that they aren't. Feel guilty over having to battle with yourself over this, and remind yourself that they're NOT FREAKING ABANDONING YOU, they simply have to get some sleep like normal people, because most people don't sleep only an hour at a time.
Then there are the days where I'm able to go to the college campus and get internet. Those days are the same, up into some point, where there's:
Get dressed. Pack up computer. Wait for little brother to arrive.
Go to school. Walk. Feel stupid for carrying a computer bag when everyone else is carrying a backpack, and seriously, you keep telling yourself you're going to get a backpack, so other people won't judge you, even though they're not judging you now, and even if they did, they don't know you so why does it matter? But they are and it does.
Feel like a screw up who can't do anything right.
Set up your computer in a little corner of the library nobody goes near, so that maybe you won't have to feel like everyone around you is judging you.
Scour Craigslist and apply for jobs. Interestingly enough? No self-doubt here.
Spend ten minutes fighting with yourself, before giving in. Log into AoL so you can RP. There's nothing there. Feel guilty that there's nothing there. Feel like nobody wants to RP with you, because you've found out that someone has specifically requested they not be on a team with you. Rack your brains trying to figure out what you've done wrong. (Spend the next month sporadically crying, and feeling even more like a screw up, because apparently, you've done something so bad that a friend doesn't want to RP with you and you don't even know what the HELL you did. Be decimated and devastated.)((I did finally find out what I did.))
Open up FE, the RP site you've created, so you can do some admin stuff and really get it ready for people to RP on, instead of looking half-assed. Feel completely overwhelmed by everything you need to do. Thought process: "But who am I kidding? No one is going to want to RP here anyway, so I'll just put all this time and effort into it, and nobody is going to want it, and yet again, it's something that I'm trying to do and failing miserably because I'm full of fail and I fail at life."
Log into an new RP site that you enjoy. Think about a) making more characters, and b) RPing them, and then your thought process goes, "I'll make these characters, but no one's going to want to RP with me anyway, so I'll just have all these characters and nothing to do with them".
Think about logging onto BP and doing things. Feel bad about getting people's hopes up that you'd RP there since you have no internet. Meant to work on characters offline so that when you got back online, you could post characters. Don't feel like logging in for the first time in over a month with nothing to show for it. Feel massive amounts of guilt, and go cry in the bathroom.
Little brother shows up, says he needs to do homework between classes, hands you money and tells you to walk across campus to pick food up from the Student Union. Know that you're going to run into a LOT of people. And every single one of them is going to judge you. Tell yourself that you're probably not going to run into people, and even if you do, you don't know them, their opinion doesn't matter. Be overwhelmed by this anyway.
Finally go to the Student Union. Pick out food. Pay for it. Walk back. Don't run into very many people after all.
I know this sounds stupid. These things that most people can do without a second thought, I have to spend five minutes battling with myself to do. By the time other people actually are involved, I'm already exhausted and emotionally raw, and I feel like I'm not being listened to half the time, and that makes me mad, and I feel guilty for getting mad, and...
Yeah. Apparently, this is a major symptom of depression. I did not know this. I thought that depression was simply being sad or suicidal. Apparently this crippling guilt and overwhelming paranoia that random people are going to judge me? Is depression.
Guess who's renewing her Cymbalta prescription ASA-freaking-P?