Doubts...
Oh yes... that time of the month cannot come and go without some serious self-doubt.
I've been doing all this studying and stuff in light of the impending doom that is my practical training in Melbourne. Catching up, reading back... and I feel... dumb. I read the things bt it's like I'm not actually learning or absorbing any of the information. I know it for a day or so and then it's gone again and then it got me thinking about school and studying and...
How much do I actually learn? I've always had this awesome regime of studying that got me good results in school. I'd study a day in advance, read the synopsis, the bullet points, breeze over the stuff and ... I'd know enough to get me through a test. Hell, that's how I got through my exams, but thinking back... did I actually LEARN anything? Did anything stick around?
I have a vauge idea on just about everything, but the same way I had a vague idea about the book I read for fun. I know what happened but the specifics and the details are all lost on me, and well... with stories you can visualize, with studies... a lot less.
So I'm sort of in a mild panic mode about it now because do I actually know enough to not make a complete and utter fool out of myself? I've a bad reputation when it comes to learning and discipline in learning and I know I've not gone all out on this thing... well.. with some things, but most things, not so much... and it bothers me to no end now that I'm all self-oubting and second-guessing myself.
It doesnt help that the last few attempts at actually learning and studying resulted in... me dropping out of high school and then me dropping out of college... So here i am sitting around sulking teling myself I should study an learn more but do I actually do it? No... instead I mope arond. I partly blame it on hormones and painkillers making me all bleh and woozy in the brain but that doesn't really stand up as an excuse, now does it?
grhoiehoighreioh! I HATE THIS! D8 I don't wanna be so bloody insecure and anxious all the time, it's not good for my health and it makes me sulk and brood and be useless... *sigh*
So... good intention: I'll go to bed now so I won't freak myself out more, get up timely and go work through that medical article you've been putting off. Then go study more anatomy an the periodontal disease thing again since that just fell straight back out of your brain again after you read it last... and ... take notes and stuff.. and... try to quiz myself. And then if I have any energy left write up a quick business plan, doesn't have to be good, just has to exist... and then work on the last bunch of lectures... *chants to self* You can do this...! ... Right?
Someone tell me I won't make a complete ass out of myself for being dumb and undereducated in comparison to the other students? All... two of them... I actually think this would've been a million times less stressful if I knew there were 25 other stdents to hide behind and leech off of... I don't like this whole responsiblity thing, it's yukkie, make it stop D=
I've been doing all this studying and stuff in light of the impending doom that is my practical training in Melbourne. Catching up, reading back... and I feel... dumb. I read the things bt it's like I'm not actually learning or absorbing any of the information. I know it for a day or so and then it's gone again and then it got me thinking about school and studying and...
How much do I actually learn? I've always had this awesome regime of studying that got me good results in school. I'd study a day in advance, read the synopsis, the bullet points, breeze over the stuff and ... I'd know enough to get me through a test. Hell, that's how I got through my exams, but thinking back... did I actually LEARN anything? Did anything stick around?
I have a vauge idea on just about everything, but the same way I had a vague idea about the book I read for fun. I know what happened but the specifics and the details are all lost on me, and well... with stories you can visualize, with studies... a lot less.
So I'm sort of in a mild panic mode about it now because do I actually know enough to not make a complete and utter fool out of myself? I've a bad reputation when it comes to learning and discipline in learning and I know I've not gone all out on this thing... well.. with some things, but most things, not so much... and it bothers me to no end now that I'm all self-oubting and second-guessing myself.
It doesnt help that the last few attempts at actually learning and studying resulted in... me dropping out of high school and then me dropping out of college... So here i am sitting around sulking teling myself I should study an learn more but do I actually do it? No... instead I mope arond. I partly blame it on hormones and painkillers making me all bleh and woozy in the brain but that doesn't really stand up as an excuse, now does it?
grhoiehoighreioh! I HATE THIS! D8 I don't wanna be so bloody insecure and anxious all the time, it's not good for my health and it makes me sulk and brood and be useless... *sigh*
So... good intention: I'll go to bed now so I won't freak myself out more, get up timely and go work through that medical article you've been putting off. Then go study more anatomy an the periodontal disease thing again since that just fell straight back out of your brain again after you read it last... and ... take notes and stuff.. and... try to quiz myself. And then if I have any energy left write up a quick business plan, doesn't have to be good, just has to exist... and then work on the last bunch of lectures... *chants to self* You can do this...! ... Right?
Someone tell me I won't make a complete ass out of myself for being dumb and undereducated in comparison to the other students? All... two of them... I actually think this would've been a million times less stressful if I knew there were 25 other stdents to hide behind and leech off of... I don't like this whole responsiblity thing, it's yukkie, make it stop D=