sos or, i'm tired of asking for help
It would be so easy to make me happy but I don't have an inkling of how. And I'm so miserable all the time and I just want to QUIT - everything. Just leave me alone and let me waste my life because that's my easy way out. I feel so intensely lonely because despite the multitudes of people around me, no one is actually listening. Some people try but it's not enough to meet me halfway, because I stupidly cannot get over myself enough to actually vent in any helpful cathartic way. I guess I need someone that will do ALL THE WORK and just vocalise my feelings for me. Wouldn't that be the last word in empathy?
So you're not meant to agonise over God. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew chapter 11. But I get distracted so easily. And why did God blind us with our five senses so we can't imagine anything beyond them? You can't see or touch or taste or smell or hear God. His ways are so inscrutable you are just about ready to lose faith. And I can't count the number of times I've lost my temper and actually been really disrespectful. I can't even bring myself to be more explicit.
I don't seem to have enough faith to stave off doubt when I don't understand. Like, why the long and ardous trek to the New Covenant if all God wants for us is good? Since God is unchanging and eternal, then why the sudden change of heart, sending Jesus to take all the punishment? Isn't that kind of unjust for the Jews BEFORE CHRIST WHO WERE STONED TO DEATH FOR BREAKING LAWS? He KNEW we would sin so why wasn't Jesus there IN THE GARDEN? not gethsmane but eden.
I know God exists. I don't even have to explain that conviction. I'm just not so sure He is completely the God of the Bible. Is that blasphemous?
In any case I know I feel like a miserable lump. All my personal goals don't feel as delightful any more. I don't think, I don't aim, I don't even SEE. And I'm too weak to keep it private; for some reason I feel the need to SPLASH my guts all over this BLOODY ANONYMOUS SCREEN.
I don't want to unthinkingly be someone's description. I want to be my own person and my own definition. Part of my anger stems from my LACK OF CONTROL. fuck, send me to a convent, send me to a cave. just don't make me stay here any longer. how can I submit to authority so directly opposed to my principles and ideals?
i guess i'm probably wrong, but I feel like if only i had you i could deal with this. just one person, and like you would be a straight and unbending measure against which I could throw my unhappiness and discontent and you would be able to show me how little it actually matters. i wouldn't even want (need?) all of you; just a friendly portion of your company. i have a feeling if you were genuine you would be invaluable. but i guess my pride won't let me do anything, so i'll just continue beating myself up.
it's so ironic that i know exactly what I'm doing that's bad for me, and what i should do in lieu of it, but i can't make any proactive action. i physically canNOT.
So you're not meant to agonise over God. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew chapter 11. But I get distracted so easily. And why did God blind us with our five senses so we can't imagine anything beyond them? You can't see or touch or taste or smell or hear God. His ways are so inscrutable you are just about ready to lose faith. And I can't count the number of times I've lost my temper and actually been really disrespectful. I can't even bring myself to be more explicit.
I don't seem to have enough faith to stave off doubt when I don't understand. Like, why the long and ardous trek to the New Covenant if all God wants for us is good? Since God is unchanging and eternal, then why the sudden change of heart, sending Jesus to take all the punishment? Isn't that kind of unjust for the Jews BEFORE CHRIST WHO WERE STONED TO DEATH FOR BREAKING LAWS? He KNEW we would sin so why wasn't Jesus there IN THE GARDEN? not gethsmane but eden.
I know God exists. I don't even have to explain that conviction. I'm just not so sure He is completely the God of the Bible. Is that blasphemous?
In any case I know I feel like a miserable lump. All my personal goals don't feel as delightful any more. I don't think, I don't aim, I don't even SEE. And I'm too weak to keep it private; for some reason I feel the need to SPLASH my guts all over this BLOODY ANONYMOUS SCREEN.
I don't want to unthinkingly be someone's description. I want to be my own person and my own definition. Part of my anger stems from my LACK OF CONTROL. fuck, send me to a convent, send me to a cave. just don't make me stay here any longer. how can I submit to authority so directly opposed to my principles and ideals?
i guess i'm probably wrong, but I feel like if only i had you i could deal with this. just one person, and like you would be a straight and unbending measure against which I could throw my unhappiness and discontent and you would be able to show me how little it actually matters. i wouldn't even want (need?) all of you; just a friendly portion of your company. i have a feeling if you were genuine you would be invaluable. but i guess my pride won't let me do anything, so i'll just continue beating myself up.
it's so ironic that i know exactly what I'm doing that's bad for me, and what i should do in lieu of it, but i can't make any proactive action. i physically canNOT.