the gimme some lovin' post
NO ONE LOVES MEEEEEE.
(that's not strictly true but whatever. i want people to drop at my feet like FLIES like they do for that person.)
But seriously jealousy is so retarded. I'm annoyed that I'm so small-hearted.
Also all throughout the bible, God stresses the importance of contentment. 1 cor 13 haha the "love test". leviticus, etc etc. the law books AND the gospels AND the letters.
anyway thinking it over I guess being a person isn't really about projecting an image. like being ENIGMATIC or WITTY, or whatever, won't get you more friends. it's about being completely yourself! so you are a genuine person. instead of a copy of someone else. how often do you get that? most people are perpetually longing to be someone else.
or longing to be WITH someone else. god knows i am.
i think relationships are like one big journey where you walk all over the other person in your quest to get to know them. all part of exploring. and in that process you two assimilate parts of each other into yourselves. the whole world is a big swirly pool of people mingling and talking and hugging and laughing. people interacting. that's what our world is: people interacting. when will i ever pull myself out of my lethargy and carefully constructed lies and get out there to do some living? i want to feel things that are strong and real. i want to see things that are bright and real. do things that are impactful and meaningful and... real.
the person i am jealous of is like everything I (searching for words) discount and think is kind of... stupid. there are some things that are important to me and i cling to them and I'm proud of that... most of the time. then i start comparing myself etc etc etc and then I want to throw those ideals away and adopt someone else's. i think that's what peer pressure means. not really a bunch of people lamely pressuring you to "try some" like it's portrayed in ads and things. it's when the people surrounding you really start to get into your head and affect your thinking until the voice of your mind changes to THEIR voice. that's peer pressure. then you gotta tell YOURSELF no. it's easy to say no to other people.
I think I lose half the battle before it starts because I think that maybe I feel if I want something I have given in to it already. And then I guess I do give in. So I'm trying to remember that wanting things is normal. maybe you get mad at a friend and you want to kill her but you don't. just let the feeling pass.
courage is not doing daring things. courage is doing daring things when you're scared silly. same principle.
and I gotta remember that when someone says "I think I love you" it doesn't mean anything. You have to ask, does God approve? Do I approve?
Character should be moulded. Personality - preserved.
It's not what's written. It's who's writing it. so I should stop trying so hard and if I got a life there would be more verve to my writing.
Poets are poor because people write poetry for themself. poetry is self-indulgent and messy. it's all about what YOU want to say, what YOU want to write, what YOU use your poetry for (catharsis? a vehicle?), not what THEY WANT TO READ. that's why poets are poor.
Tonight is good. I hope I don't forget.
and yes just 10 days!! it's been a lousy 2.5 days so I'm starting over. it was okay but there was no motivation. LET THE FEELING PASS.
oh and another thing I am siickkk of being a secret agent christian! well not really secret agent. but yeah. why is talking about religion so hard for me? on that track, why is talking about myself so hard for me? and why is talking about my passions so hard, too? all i can talk about easily is what i did today or yesterday, and about people. that sucks. it's just bright and pretty and really false, like this happy front. i want to smash that. sometimes i am just dying to talk to someone about something a little deeper, maybe things that have been bothering me. but we just go on with the everyday chatter. it's just white noise.
ahaha I just flipped open my bible looking for a verse reference and on the way LUKE 9:26 caught my eye! is that cool or is that cool? seriously, it just jumped out at me. i was looking for the verse where Jesus says don't make a huge fuss when you fast or pray or give alms or whatever, "thy father who seest in secret himself shall reward thee openly". something like that. gonna check it out now.
but by the way luke 9:26 says, for whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in his father's, and of the holy angels.
I never even thought of that verse. which probably shows that i just like to look for excuses for myself. but here is the chapter i was looking for, matthew 6!
anyway yes that's enough train-of-consciousness rambling. i've just been writing down my thoughts when they come. i meant to be super-cool (in the raj sense, meaning cool like untouchable cool, unflappable and INDOMITABLE) but instead I am needy, and raggy like an open book, AGAIN!
I guess if you've read through all that, and actually been interested along the way, you are someone who cares about me and my life and what I think. I think that's cool!
Now I'm going to go back and add punctuation and appropriate capitals and edit grammar etc.
okay on second thoughts. i did a bit and i can't be bothered. please.
GOODNIGHT.
Things To Read
- come to sentosa tomorrow with my youth group. we're leaving harbourfront mrt station at 1pm. FUN IN THE SUN! these people are friendly.
- I talked to yihui and sam this morning over MSN. oh my how I miss them. my diary is getting a beating without my bf's. omg omg omg i just realised we can so be charlie's angels, just less hot. sam is obviously natalie, the sweet one. yihui is alex the SMART TOUGH ONE and i gueeesss i'm just dylan the messed up one. but i kick ass and take names anyway.
yihui isn't that tough. =D
(that's not strictly true but whatever. i want people to drop at my feet like FLIES like they do for that person.)
But seriously jealousy is so retarded. I'm annoyed that I'm so small-hearted.
Also all throughout the bible, God stresses the importance of contentment. 1 cor 13 haha the "love test". leviticus, etc etc. the law books AND the gospels AND the letters.
anyway thinking it over I guess being a person isn't really about projecting an image. like being ENIGMATIC or WITTY, or whatever, won't get you more friends. it's about being completely yourself! so you are a genuine person. instead of a copy of someone else. how often do you get that? most people are perpetually longing to be someone else.
or longing to be WITH someone else. god knows i am.
i think relationships are like one big journey where you walk all over the other person in your quest to get to know them. all part of exploring. and in that process you two assimilate parts of each other into yourselves. the whole world is a big swirly pool of people mingling and talking and hugging and laughing. people interacting. that's what our world is: people interacting. when will i ever pull myself out of my lethargy and carefully constructed lies and get out there to do some living? i want to feel things that are strong and real. i want to see things that are bright and real. do things that are impactful and meaningful and... real.
the person i am jealous of is like everything I (searching for words) discount and think is kind of... stupid. there are some things that are important to me and i cling to them and I'm proud of that... most of the time. then i start comparing myself etc etc etc and then I want to throw those ideals away and adopt someone else's. i think that's what peer pressure means. not really a bunch of people lamely pressuring you to "try some" like it's portrayed in ads and things. it's when the people surrounding you really start to get into your head and affect your thinking until the voice of your mind changes to THEIR voice. that's peer pressure. then you gotta tell YOURSELF no. it's easy to say no to other people.
I think I lose half the battle before it starts because I think that maybe I feel if I want something I have given in to it already. And then I guess I do give in. So I'm trying to remember that wanting things is normal. maybe you get mad at a friend and you want to kill her but you don't. just let the feeling pass.
courage is not doing daring things. courage is doing daring things when you're scared silly. same principle.
and I gotta remember that when someone says "I think I love you" it doesn't mean anything. You have to ask, does God approve? Do I approve?
Character should be moulded. Personality - preserved.
It's not what's written. It's who's writing it. so I should stop trying so hard and if I got a life there would be more verve to my writing.
Poets are poor because people write poetry for themself. poetry is self-indulgent and messy. it's all about what YOU want to say, what YOU want to write, what YOU use your poetry for (catharsis? a vehicle?), not what THEY WANT TO READ. that's why poets are poor.
Tonight is good. I hope I don't forget.
and yes just 10 days!! it's been a lousy 2.5 days so I'm starting over. it was okay but there was no motivation. LET THE FEELING PASS.
oh and another thing I am siickkk of being a secret agent christian! well not really secret agent. but yeah. why is talking about religion so hard for me? on that track, why is talking about myself so hard for me? and why is talking about my passions so hard, too? all i can talk about easily is what i did today or yesterday, and about people. that sucks. it's just bright and pretty and really false, like this happy front. i want to smash that. sometimes i am just dying to talk to someone about something a little deeper, maybe things that have been bothering me. but we just go on with the everyday chatter. it's just white noise.
ahaha I just flipped open my bible looking for a verse reference and on the way LUKE 9:26 caught my eye! is that cool or is that cool? seriously, it just jumped out at me. i was looking for the verse where Jesus says don't make a huge fuss when you fast or pray or give alms or whatever, "thy father who seest in secret himself shall reward thee openly". something like that. gonna check it out now.
but by the way luke 9:26 says, for whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the son of man be ashamed, when he shall come in his own glory, and in his father's, and of the holy angels.
I never even thought of that verse. which probably shows that i just like to look for excuses for myself. but here is the chapter i was looking for, matthew 6!
anyway yes that's enough train-of-consciousness rambling. i've just been writing down my thoughts when they come. i meant to be super-cool (in the raj sense, meaning cool like untouchable cool, unflappable and INDOMITABLE) but instead I am needy, and raggy like an open book, AGAIN!
I guess if you've read through all that, and actually been interested along the way, you are someone who cares about me and my life and what I think. I think that's cool!
Now I'm going to go back and add punctuation and appropriate capitals and edit grammar etc.
okay on second thoughts. i did a bit and i can't be bothered. please.
GOODNIGHT.
Things To Read
- come to sentosa tomorrow with my youth group. we're leaving harbourfront mrt station at 1pm. FUN IN THE SUN! these people are friendly.
- I talked to yihui and sam this morning over MSN. oh my how I miss them. my diary is getting a beating without my bf's. omg omg omg i just realised we can so be charlie's angels, just less hot. sam is obviously natalie, the sweet one. yihui is alex the SMART TOUGH ONE and i gueeesss i'm just dylan the messed up one. but i kick ass and take names anyway.
yihui isn't that tough. =D