So close but soooooooooo far
I am so beyond stressed out it's not even funny! I am also so far beyond exhausted its actually becoming quite comical. It's actually gotten to the point where I am feeling left out by everyone and everyone I love seems uninterested in me. I mentioned this today but was told that i was being paranoid. I accepted this explanation with a small amount of reluctancy, but now that I think about it, I think my assumption was right. I seriously feel like she's really uninterested or annoyed or holding something back from me. I could understand why she might. I've been hormonal lately and really opinionated but we are supposed to be B.F.F.'s. Anyhow I am concerned at how defensive she got and how quick she was to return an accusation. I don't know what's going on but I am so close to the end of the semester and I am so everything stressed and overwhelming I can easily cry about it. I really don't want to argue or leave without having a really positive outlook on our friendship. I mean she's going away for the entire summer on tour and even though I get to see her, it will only be once and for a small amount of time in the middle of our break. We are living together next year and until the pressure of the end of the semester settled in we were really excited. I'm concerned that this may be a defense mechanism. I mean she seems to have some issues with trust and love. I think she fears abandonment and our situation this summer leaves us both abandoned by the other. I really hope things are ok with us. She's been really liberal with guys lately. I think she is really trying to prove she's worth it. I hope she doesn't take that negatively because it wasn't meant that way. What I mean is that I wished she could believe her friends who tell her the great guys she deserves and doesn't need to prove it if that's not what you want. I am very confused about what actually makes her happy and I guess that's where my true confusion lies. How can I be her B.F.F. if I don't know what truly makes her happy; but it changes so often. I think she has a hard time relating to me now because she's been hanging out with our other single friend and she's been reminded of her crazy friends back home. I'm not jealous, or envious or whatnot. I am actually glad that she's always got company that adores her. I'm concerned because I being in a relationship appear boring to her because I can't be scandalous or entirely flirtatious. I think the other single friend is going through that dilemma with our other friend in a relationship. They had a very serious past of flirting and being single and ready to mingle. My BFF and I never had that because I was in a relationship when we met but she had/has that relationship with many of her other friends. I think she's really starting to miss her high school friends and lifestyle. I just wish I could sort the confusion, stress and overwhelming factors. Well I've only reiterated my confusion and I don't think typing anything else is going to help. I just have this bizarre desire to be by myself for a while and figure things out. It may not appear like it but my life is a series of to-do-list and organization and when either or both are distorted or chaotic I tend to lose myself for a bit.Wish me luck I think I might need it. <3