A Peaceful Heart
I posted a journal last week about a life-changing decision I had to make: choosing to stay an extra semester in college based on what I considered to be an emotional decision. I’ve never had to even question making a decision like that: truly, I live with the attitude that following your heart is for weak people. Of course it is! I made that decision months before I turned eighteen: I decided to leave behind all of my dearly-beloved childhood friends and family and go essentially by myself to a college hours away from my hometown. They made the emotional decision to stay at home with their families and friends that they loved. I said, “see ya!” and made what I considered to be a very smart logical decision- that FSU had the best program, that FSU had the best opportunities for internships- and moved. In August 2010, I was the happiest person alive. All of you know how much I love my school. I can’t imagine what my life would be like- how BAD it would be, I’ll say it- if I’d followed my heearrrrrrt and lived with my beloved family and friends. Florida State University is the best thing to ever happen to me. I do not believe that my friends who followed their hearts live as exhilarating, rewarding and regretless lives as I lead. Emotional heart-related decisions are made by people who don’t see the world in a big picture, I believed. What little opportunity for growth.
Then I realized that the 17-year-old Julie who pressed the “I accept” button on the website that officially enrolled her as an FSU student was not battling her heart at all- her heart simply was in a different place than her friends’ who longed to maintain companionship in their hometown. She DID follow her heart- her heart told her that the adventure and opportunity regarding FSU was the path that she should follow, and she did, and it was as right as it felt in February, 2008. After hearing the support of people who I believe love and respect me, I decided that, again, my heart is not an unreliable source of initiation- I will graduate in 2012, not in 2011; I will compete on my beloved team for another year.
I think what I was nervous about was admitting to people that, no, I do not care about seeing you at cons as much as I do about the team. Doesn’t that sound horrible? But, cons are not related to my dream- and, as there’s a time in life for everything, cons will always be there for me. I feel like, yes, I can abuse cons because eh, Youmacon will be waiting to say howzit hangin’ dawg to me in 2013 and 2015 and 2030 and 2100 (and, I can take epic cosplay photoshoots anytime at any random place), whereas I won’t be allowed to debate in 2013. I felt bad, thinking, I can throw my friends around because they’ll love me no matter what I do. Bye guys, see you in the summer, and in years after I graduate!
But, then I realized: yes, “friends” are people who love you no matter what you do- I was afraid of- misinterpreting- what was exactly true: people who genuinely care for me will support my dreams. That’s what I require in a friend. People who are disappointed in me for choosing something bigger than myself and bigger than them over them do not fit the qualities that I want in a friend. My high-school friends didn’t dislike me for leaving Jacksonville- I maintain fantastic relationships with the vast majority of them now; I spend quite a good amount of time with them when I go home for winter, spring and summer break. They understood that while their paths led them to local schools, my path led me to FSU, and that path made me into a stronger, smarter and overall better person in the way that I needed to grow, from high school.
That being said, now that I know where I stand with the debate team- a junior- I can of course add that cons and cosplay are my SECOND-greatest love! I will attend a good amount of cons. I can afford to go to cons because my family is financially stable again. Unfortunately, Youmacon and EXP Con have, two years in a row, forced me to forego tournaments - so, in the likely event they're scheduled during tournament weekends in 2011 (it's somewhat possible that they're not, but they most likely are) I will only attend one of those cons in 2011. Youmacon and EXP Con will have to battle over which is more important. I’m leaning towards Youmacon, but EXP Con may do something startling that may cause me to reconsider. I categorize all of my beloved friends who attend Youmacon as “people who will love me no matter what.” It is very comforting to know that I can focus on my dream, instead of feeling like there are expectations from people.
Thank you guys for being so supportive. 8))))))))))) I hope that you know how much it means that so many people commented on my last, very sad journal. I’m in a significantly better state of mind, now- I can focus on Kami-Con this weekend and how much unbelievable fun it will be to party with everyone!!! Who-all’s going to Kami-Con? Please say hi- I love taking pictures with people and meeting people! 8)
Then I realized that the 17-year-old Julie who pressed the “I accept” button on the website that officially enrolled her as an FSU student was not battling her heart at all- her heart simply was in a different place than her friends’ who longed to maintain companionship in their hometown. She DID follow her heart- her heart told her that the adventure and opportunity regarding FSU was the path that she should follow, and she did, and it was as right as it felt in February, 2008. After hearing the support of people who I believe love and respect me, I decided that, again, my heart is not an unreliable source of initiation- I will graduate in 2012, not in 2011; I will compete on my beloved team for another year.
I think what I was nervous about was admitting to people that, no, I do not care about seeing you at cons as much as I do about the team. Doesn’t that sound horrible? But, cons are not related to my dream- and, as there’s a time in life for everything, cons will always be there for me. I feel like, yes, I can abuse cons because eh, Youmacon will be waiting to say howzit hangin’ dawg to me in 2013 and 2015 and 2030 and 2100 (and, I can take epic cosplay photoshoots anytime at any random place), whereas I won’t be allowed to debate in 2013. I felt bad, thinking, I can throw my friends around because they’ll love me no matter what I do. Bye guys, see you in the summer, and in years after I graduate!
But, then I realized: yes, “friends” are people who love you no matter what you do- I was afraid of- misinterpreting- what was exactly true: people who genuinely care for me will support my dreams. That’s what I require in a friend. People who are disappointed in me for choosing something bigger than myself and bigger than them over them do not fit the qualities that I want in a friend. My high-school friends didn’t dislike me for leaving Jacksonville- I maintain fantastic relationships with the vast majority of them now; I spend quite a good amount of time with them when I go home for winter, spring and summer break. They understood that while their paths led them to local schools, my path led me to FSU, and that path made me into a stronger, smarter and overall better person in the way that I needed to grow, from high school.
That being said, now that I know where I stand with the debate team- a junior- I can of course add that cons and cosplay are my SECOND-greatest love! I will attend a good amount of cons. I can afford to go to cons because my family is financially stable again. Unfortunately, Youmacon and EXP Con have, two years in a row, forced me to forego tournaments - so, in the likely event they're scheduled during tournament weekends in 2011 (it's somewhat possible that they're not, but they most likely are) I will only attend one of those cons in 2011. Youmacon and EXP Con will have to battle over which is more important. I’m leaning towards Youmacon, but EXP Con may do something startling that may cause me to reconsider. I categorize all of my beloved friends who attend Youmacon as “people who will love me no matter what.” It is very comforting to know that I can focus on my dream, instead of feeling like there are expectations from people.
Thank you guys for being so supportive. 8))))))))))) I hope that you know how much it means that so many people commented on my last, very sad journal. I’m in a significantly better state of mind, now- I can focus on Kami-Con this weekend and how much unbelievable fun it will be to party with everyone!!! Who-all’s going to Kami-Con? Please say hi- I love taking pictures with people and meeting people! 8)