Haven't written in here in a while.
Me and Josh, rollercoaster. We've finally decided that we should start at friendship and then go from there. Its made me feel a lot more comfortable around him. I dont' know, theres some other things thats been compromising me and him.
Mark compromised a lot. He came on way too fast. He said he wanted to go down on me when he first called me, then tried to grab my bare chest, fondled my ass constantly, told me where my damn underwear was fucking made and pulled down my tank and bra staps in front of a damn parent. Thankgoodness Bens Mom was pretty cool about it. I"m still so thrown off by him, by how Josh was at first, by Brandon, by what people have been telling me, etc. I don't know. Affection, just doesn't have that spark anymore. Except for with Wesley and Lee and even Lee throws me off sometimes. Wesley I'm hoping is going to be someone who will help me feel mroe comfortable and get over everything.
Josh says I'm scared. Scared that if I start a relationship or even let someone close that I'll go off to College and loose them. That maybe I don't know it right now but I am scared. Yes I do think that I'm going to loose everyone, that I'll never see anyone again. I feel as if I am leaving for good. Josh tells me it wont' be like that but he's not in college. In another year any friends I keep here will be gone states away to their own college. Even if I'm not friends with them right now they'll still be going so far away and I won't have the option to just drive 20 minutes and pass by their house or call them and hang out in town or see them at work because they won't be there. I won't have that option anymore and its scary and it hurts and its inevitable. I don't want to loose everything again. Rob finally taught me how to care but now I'm afraid of leaving everythign behind like when I moved from school to school and then from Californai to here. A week later do you think I thought about anyone back home? Of course not. They didn't cross my mind. Not even a moment of missing them and they were my "Good friends". Yea such good friends. I am scared but I also just feel so abused by Mark and Brandon. Its like going through what happened before all over again and its not easy.
I don't even think I need to say that Mark was a big mistake.
I'm going to be boarding at Palmer. My room mates name is Melissa. I hope we get a long and we don't move in and then a week later she wants to switch to be with one of her friends and I"m moved again with some random person who I may not even get a long with and have the feeling of regection, disappointment and not good enough. I dont' know. Everythings changing and I am just trying to relax, sit back and enjoy the ride.
Josh did say one other thing. He says I'm not over Richard. I got deffensive because I almost broke my damn hand till I finally got over him. Josh restated that I'm over him but not over what he'd done. I do agree with that. I get sensitive when Josh is late and I'm afriad if I go to visit him that it will be a habit and that he won't come to see me anymore. I'm afraid of just about everything that changed with Richard when he started to and was avoiding me. I'm so afriad it will happen all over again and I'll be stuck somewhere, alone and just crying for hours, feeling that pain again.
Sometimes I feel so alone like no one can understand how it was and how much it hurt. How I never cry but did for hours and still couldn't pacify the pain. It didn't get easier. The hours that I never let people see and try to explain but can't make people understand.
I don't want to let Josh or anyone else close again. I finally have my independence back and I'm not ready to let go of it. I strived and went to a literal hell and back to get this. I'm still not completely independant. If Richard told me again that he wanted to be friends I would drop everything at a snap of his fingers and that I'm still working on fixing.
I dont' udnerstand how you can care so much about someone at one moment and then the next not care at all. It doesn't make sense to me. Richard and Tristan apply to this. We can't even say hi to eachother and laugh or even call eachother just to say whats up and whats oging on and hten hang up. That would make me happy. Sometimes I get so sensitive about it. All these movies that if you truely love someoen that they'll always come back adn see whats right and the relationship will keep going. Its not true and its not fair. I know but its not easy to accept either.
Mark compromised a lot. He came on way too fast. He said he wanted to go down on me when he first called me, then tried to grab my bare chest, fondled my ass constantly, told me where my damn underwear was fucking made and pulled down my tank and bra staps in front of a damn parent. Thankgoodness Bens Mom was pretty cool about it. I"m still so thrown off by him, by how Josh was at first, by Brandon, by what people have been telling me, etc. I don't know. Affection, just doesn't have that spark anymore. Except for with Wesley and Lee and even Lee throws me off sometimes. Wesley I'm hoping is going to be someone who will help me feel mroe comfortable and get over everything.
Josh says I'm scared. Scared that if I start a relationship or even let someone close that I'll go off to College and loose them. That maybe I don't know it right now but I am scared. Yes I do think that I'm going to loose everyone, that I'll never see anyone again. I feel as if I am leaving for good. Josh tells me it wont' be like that but he's not in college. In another year any friends I keep here will be gone states away to their own college. Even if I'm not friends with them right now they'll still be going so far away and I won't have the option to just drive 20 minutes and pass by their house or call them and hang out in town or see them at work because they won't be there. I won't have that option anymore and its scary and it hurts and its inevitable. I don't want to loose everything again. Rob finally taught me how to care but now I'm afraid of leaving everythign behind like when I moved from school to school and then from Californai to here. A week later do you think I thought about anyone back home? Of course not. They didn't cross my mind. Not even a moment of missing them and they were my "Good friends". Yea such good friends. I am scared but I also just feel so abused by Mark and Brandon. Its like going through what happened before all over again and its not easy.
I don't even think I need to say that Mark was a big mistake.
I'm going to be boarding at Palmer. My room mates name is Melissa. I hope we get a long and we don't move in and then a week later she wants to switch to be with one of her friends and I"m moved again with some random person who I may not even get a long with and have the feeling of regection, disappointment and not good enough. I dont' know. Everythings changing and I am just trying to relax, sit back and enjoy the ride.
Josh did say one other thing. He says I'm not over Richard. I got deffensive because I almost broke my damn hand till I finally got over him. Josh restated that I'm over him but not over what he'd done. I do agree with that. I get sensitive when Josh is late and I'm afriad if I go to visit him that it will be a habit and that he won't come to see me anymore. I'm afraid of just about everything that changed with Richard when he started to and was avoiding me. I'm so afriad it will happen all over again and I'll be stuck somewhere, alone and just crying for hours, feeling that pain again.
Sometimes I feel so alone like no one can understand how it was and how much it hurt. How I never cry but did for hours and still couldn't pacify the pain. It didn't get easier. The hours that I never let people see and try to explain but can't make people understand.
I don't want to let Josh or anyone else close again. I finally have my independence back and I'm not ready to let go of it. I strived and went to a literal hell and back to get this. I'm still not completely independant. If Richard told me again that he wanted to be friends I would drop everything at a snap of his fingers and that I'm still working on fixing.
I dont' udnerstand how you can care so much about someone at one moment and then the next not care at all. It doesn't make sense to me. Richard and Tristan apply to this. We can't even say hi to eachother and laugh or even call eachother just to say whats up and whats oging on and hten hang up. That would make me happy. Sometimes I get so sensitive about it. All these movies that if you truely love someoen that they'll always come back adn see whats right and the relationship will keep going. Its not true and its not fair. I know but its not easy to accept either.