Thoughts on the End
Yesterday was my due date. I think I have maybe had a handful of Braxton Hicks over the last couple of weeks. My lower back hurts, I have occasional lower abdominal cramping, and there is a huge amount of pelvic pressure when I stand up after having been sat down- especially by the end of the day.
These are all pre-labour signs. But they aren't imminent signs. These things can go on for weeks.
I've been doing all I can to naturally kick start labour! I've read all the lists, and have been trying all of the more solid and safe techniques- spicy curries, walking, sex. Nothing works.
One of the girls in my NCT course, Dee, sent us all a message on the WhatsApp yesterday to say she had started labour the night before. It's so hard not to be jealous. It was my due date, and my due date was before hers. I know due dates are rubbish and some people are early and some are late. But it just really got to me. She is the 5th baby out of the 8 of us from NCT. The only other 2 left besides me have April due dates.
In a way, it feels rather symmetrical. Yesterday, I sat on the couch and cried and felt sorry for myself. Feelings and thoughts of: the baby will never come, I'm SO uncomfortable, the baby will be huge if they stay in for another week or 2, the baby won't be a pisces if they don't come soon, I'm going to have to be induced (which will hurt [more]), it's not fair- mom had all of her babies early, I'm embarrassed that it's taking so long when I've been off work for a month, I just want to get it over with, I'm so tired of constantly being on edge noticing every little twinge of pain and checking the loo after every pee for the mucus plug. And I cried.
I remember, what seems like a lifetime ago, crying in the speech office at school after getting another negative pregnancy test. Laura had just announced she was pregnant- and I was doing everything to get pregnant! I spoke with the doctor about my PCOS, we were being careful on our timing, taking pre-natal vitamins, had given up caffeine and alcohol. It was only 3 months- but I was certain between my age and the PCOS that I would never get pregnant. And I cried to the other therapists. I cried because I was sure that I'd never be a mother, and I cried out of jealousy for all of those women who got pregnant so easily, and I cried because I was impatient and scared. 2 days later the stick changed to positive- and I was overjoyed (though quite embarrassed by my strop).
It feels like I've come full circle. I guess the good news is is that the baby WILL come out. There is no way I'll still be pregnant 2 weeks from now- the hospital won't let me. But as time goes on, I worry... I worry because risk of stillborn birth increases now, I worry because of the size of the baby, and the worry about the task of labour just builds every day.
I KNOW that the solution is to relax. I know that I need to NOT worry about any of this stuff, and just rest and enjoy what is the last of my me-time until I'm over 50 years old. Seems like an obvious and easy solution. But I am finding it really hard. I think a big part of it, is that I'm just SO uncomfortable, and physically can't relax. I am not allowed to lounge back on the sofa because of baby positioning. So I go from sitting on the floor, to bouncing on my blue birthing ball, to standing and walking, to laying on my left side (until my left hip becomes too sore), to hanging out on all 4s on the floor. None of these positions is really relaxing or comfortable. So you think- ok, then lets come up distracting activities. Great idea! Only my mobility is so uncomfortable that the thought of doing nearly anything other than sitting, standing, or waddling just seems like a huge pain! I want to do some art- but it'll kill my back! I want to learn some more knitting and crotchet, but it will also hurt my back and there's too much bending over. I want to read, but effing holding up the book hurts my back! (I CAN'T wait for a life where I can lean back again!!!) Am I whiney? Yes. Could I push through and do something anyways? Sure. But this is what is going on. And because I'm so whiney and anxious and uncomfortable, I just can't seem to manage any of the stuff that I KNOW would be good for me.
I think I'll try to get Sara on Skype again today. That, I've found, is the best distraction. Having a friend to hang out with and talk to. Shame I don't really have a lot of people here...
These are all pre-labour signs. But they aren't imminent signs. These things can go on for weeks.
I've been doing all I can to naturally kick start labour! I've read all the lists, and have been trying all of the more solid and safe techniques- spicy curries, walking, sex. Nothing works.
One of the girls in my NCT course, Dee, sent us all a message on the WhatsApp yesterday to say she had started labour the night before. It's so hard not to be jealous. It was my due date, and my due date was before hers. I know due dates are rubbish and some people are early and some are late. But it just really got to me. She is the 5th baby out of the 8 of us from NCT. The only other 2 left besides me have April due dates.
In a way, it feels rather symmetrical. Yesterday, I sat on the couch and cried and felt sorry for myself. Feelings and thoughts of: the baby will never come, I'm SO uncomfortable, the baby will be huge if they stay in for another week or 2, the baby won't be a pisces if they don't come soon, I'm going to have to be induced (which will hurt [more]), it's not fair- mom had all of her babies early, I'm embarrassed that it's taking so long when I've been off work for a month, I just want to get it over with, I'm so tired of constantly being on edge noticing every little twinge of pain and checking the loo after every pee for the mucus plug. And I cried.
I remember, what seems like a lifetime ago, crying in the speech office at school after getting another negative pregnancy test. Laura had just announced she was pregnant- and I was doing everything to get pregnant! I spoke with the doctor about my PCOS, we were being careful on our timing, taking pre-natal vitamins, had given up caffeine and alcohol. It was only 3 months- but I was certain between my age and the PCOS that I would never get pregnant. And I cried to the other therapists. I cried because I was sure that I'd never be a mother, and I cried out of jealousy for all of those women who got pregnant so easily, and I cried because I was impatient and scared. 2 days later the stick changed to positive- and I was overjoyed (though quite embarrassed by my strop).
It feels like I've come full circle. I guess the good news is is that the baby WILL come out. There is no way I'll still be pregnant 2 weeks from now- the hospital won't let me. But as time goes on, I worry... I worry because risk of stillborn birth increases now, I worry because of the size of the baby, and the worry about the task of labour just builds every day.
I KNOW that the solution is to relax. I know that I need to NOT worry about any of this stuff, and just rest and enjoy what is the last of my me-time until I'm over 50 years old. Seems like an obvious and easy solution. But I am finding it really hard. I think a big part of it, is that I'm just SO uncomfortable, and physically can't relax. I am not allowed to lounge back on the sofa because of baby positioning. So I go from sitting on the floor, to bouncing on my blue birthing ball, to standing and walking, to laying on my left side (until my left hip becomes too sore), to hanging out on all 4s on the floor. None of these positions is really relaxing or comfortable. So you think- ok, then lets come up distracting activities. Great idea! Only my mobility is so uncomfortable that the thought of doing nearly anything other than sitting, standing, or waddling just seems like a huge pain! I want to do some art- but it'll kill my back! I want to learn some more knitting and crotchet, but it will also hurt my back and there's too much bending over. I want to read, but effing holding up the book hurts my back! (I CAN'T wait for a life where I can lean back again!!!) Am I whiney? Yes. Could I push through and do something anyways? Sure. But this is what is going on. And because I'm so whiney and anxious and uncomfortable, I just can't seem to manage any of the stuff that I KNOW would be good for me.
I think I'll try to get Sara on Skype again today. That, I've found, is the best distraction. Having a friend to hang out with and talk to. Shame I don't really have a lot of people here...