And I think its going to rain today!
So, last night, or I should say this morning, as I was finally lying down to go to sleep I heard the train whistle. It made me think about what Stephanie said about when you can hear the train whistle at night it's going to rain the next day, and it did. In fact when I notice the whistle it always does. Perhaps its subconcious, because I know that I can technically hear it every night, but its on nights when I notice it, and remember what she said that it comes true. I suppose the remembering is the important thing.
I've been remembering a lot today. I had to work check out, and this girl came and she was checking out of a room in Yonah second. And we walked over there and she opened the door to the stairs and it smelled the same, sort of like old books. And when she walked me to her room it was mine and Steph's from last year. And I walked in and they hadn't changed anything, all the furniture was in the same place and it had that same warm, musty smell. It amazes me that a completely different set of people could have lived in there for a year and it still smelled the same. I remembered everything in that room in this one brief flash, and it made me the happiest I had been in a long time. I suppose the remembering is the important thing.
I have that anxious feeling when I think about a time beyond this. I want to hold on to everything and find a way to keep it from changing. It's here that I have found, with the exception of Ellen, the truest frineds in the world. The friends who are so much like me but also so different. I never thought that Steph would mean so much to me, and that even after weeks of not seeing one another we'd be able to sit down and talk like it had been yesterday. I also never thought that it would be this hard to live without her, but I think its done us a lot of good. I codled Steph too much, I never let her believe that she could do things on her own. In truth I was the one who was afraid, I was the one who needed to learn to be by myself, not Stephanie. But Steph needed this time too. She needed to reach people, to know people, to trust people. Stephanie needed to be free. And she found freedom in the truest place, you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. I just keep remembering what Mer said about Stephanie being so calm.
And when Pam and I talk about our apartment, and I feel so relieved that I won't be alone, I wonder if I'm not being brave. I've never known a home outside of Gainesville. I've never been in a place where I know no one. I've never been far from my family. And I wonder if staying is some sort of cowardice. A refusal to move on, a shameful attempt to keep the world the same forever. I decided a long time ago that I didn't want a small life, but that seems to be what I keep etching out for myself. No adventure, no change, no risk, no glory. Just a boring song with a steading and grinding rythm.
But I suppose, in the end, the remembering is the important thing.
I've been remembering a lot today. I had to work check out, and this girl came and she was checking out of a room in Yonah second. And we walked over there and she opened the door to the stairs and it smelled the same, sort of like old books. And when she walked me to her room it was mine and Steph's from last year. And I walked in and they hadn't changed anything, all the furniture was in the same place and it had that same warm, musty smell. It amazes me that a completely different set of people could have lived in there for a year and it still smelled the same. I remembered everything in that room in this one brief flash, and it made me the happiest I had been in a long time. I suppose the remembering is the important thing.
I have that anxious feeling when I think about a time beyond this. I want to hold on to everything and find a way to keep it from changing. It's here that I have found, with the exception of Ellen, the truest frineds in the world. The friends who are so much like me but also so different. I never thought that Steph would mean so much to me, and that even after weeks of not seeing one another we'd be able to sit down and talk like it had been yesterday. I also never thought that it would be this hard to live without her, but I think its done us a lot of good. I codled Steph too much, I never let her believe that she could do things on her own. In truth I was the one who was afraid, I was the one who needed to learn to be by myself, not Stephanie. But Steph needed this time too. She needed to reach people, to know people, to trust people. Stephanie needed to be free. And she found freedom in the truest place, you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. I just keep remembering what Mer said about Stephanie being so calm.
And when Pam and I talk about our apartment, and I feel so relieved that I won't be alone, I wonder if I'm not being brave. I've never known a home outside of Gainesville. I've never been in a place where I know no one. I've never been far from my family. And I wonder if staying is some sort of cowardice. A refusal to move on, a shameful attempt to keep the world the same forever. I decided a long time ago that I didn't want a small life, but that seems to be what I keep etching out for myself. No adventure, no change, no risk, no glory. Just a boring song with a steading and grinding rythm.
But I suppose, in the end, the remembering is the important thing.