where to begin?
no seriously.. where? it's been a much more exciting summer tha originally planned, so i guess i should just start at the beginning.
when i left school in may, my plan was to come home, find a job, and work in order to pay my bills and get some spending money. then i wanted to plan a trip with a girls for the end of summer since they are all now off in the real world and i'm still in the pseudo-real world of ESU. i also wanted to start planning for my GAship, which i've been totally stoked about.
but, alas, not much of that happened. by the time i actually got around to picking up apps, and looking for a job, the bombshell dropped. i got a "note" from my mother. point blank, the note pissed me off. i mean, it pretty much was a "whoa-pity-me-i'm-almost-homeless-come-get-your-stuff" note. it made me angry. she started off by saying, "well, since i haven't heard from you.." (um hello!? your phone was shut off, remember????) ".. i guess that means you aren't coming to get your stuff. i guess i'm just going to donate it or throw it out." my response: now what?
so of course, i plan to go down there. luckily patty and liz said they would be there for me. they followed me down in their cars, intending on helping get my stuff and get out of there without any drama. HA! but it's me, so of course there would be drama!!! to make a long story short, we ended up bringing my mother up to PA with us. YUP, you read that right. i don't want to get into details as to how exactly that happened, let's just say, i' m still kicking myself for it, even though i know it was the right thing to do.
so i bring her up. awkward. gram's uncomfortable, i'm uncomfortable, everyone is avoiding making a visit to the house because they all know she's there. awkward. a week later we head back down, just mom and i, to pack up the house and move her out. now, my original plan was to sell most of the crap she had because honestly, why the fuck does she need it? that didin't happen. instead, we sell her car, which she owned because it was paid off, for $2900. we can then pay movers to move us up wo PA (BIG help).
so now we are up here for good. more awkward. mom and i at this point had many brief and strange conversations. being the scared little girl that i am when it comes to her, i found it hard to just flat out tell her the turht about how i've felt, and how everyone else had felt, and how i've changed. she kept giving me bullshit about how i didn't know what it was like for her, and this and that, and blahbity blah. bullshit.
we all know she chose this. she did it to herself.
since she's been up here, which was like july4thish, we've continued to ahve a lot of awkwardness. while things have improved in our household, tensions have risen outside the house. meaning with the rest of my family. my mother's siblings have apparently set a confrontation date (labor day - OOH something to look forward to!!) in which case they will all go to my mother and say do something with your life or get the hell out. let's be honest here people, that's NOT a good idea. i have come to terms with the fact that this is the way it's going to be, even if i don't like it. my problem is... this is all my fault.
or at least that's how they all think. everyone keeps thinking of gram and how she feels and the intrusion this is on her life. but honestly, where else would my mother go? she's broke. she's got poor credit. she's got no motivation to do anything. attacking her at this point is not a good idea. so, i, being the lucky one to have created this mess, have been trying to help/encourage/motivate/etc my mother while having my spies tell me what everyone else is talking about behind my back. my conclusion: they all think i'm taking the easy way out by being able to go back to school while gram is left to deal with my mother. WHAT!!!! are you kidding me? like this has been easy on me?
and i think that's what pisses me off the most. everyone felt bad for me while my mother wasn't tlaking to me from a distance, but as soon as she's around, it's all my fault? what happened to everyone saying she dug her own grave? what happened to it being about her? when have i ever gotten off easy when it comes to my mother. they just don't understand. they don't know what i've grown up with. they don't even understand my mother let alone do they know how to talk to her. give me a break. luckily, my aunt becky stuck up for me. having been through all kinds of drama with her own mother she can sympathize with me. and she makes a good point, look at everything i've been through. i am trying to hold on to the one thing i have left of my family. my father is dead, my brother wants nothing to do with me, i thought my mom was out of my life, do you honestly think i'd just walk away when i knew i could keep her? who would? getting up the courage to walk away from someone for good is harder than anything in the world. and unless you've been there, you don't know what it's like. i'm not strong enough to walk away from her yet. i don't want to. i honestly need her in my life, if for no other reason but to prove that i am strong without her. pretty much, i don't want my relationship with her to end on her terms, i want it to end on mine. if it ends, i'm walking, she's not getting rid of me.
so here we are for round #759. it's an endless battle. and to save you of the gory details about her stubbornness in finding a job, let's just say i've handed her 3 and she turned them all down. but, she claims to have a plan. she is going to get a job, start earning some money, she and my gram are going to sell some stuff they have in storage for some cash, and then she wants to move on with her life.
the good thing about it, is she is happy. happier than she's been in a long time. and hopefully with everyone right here, she can't run away again. she can't hide, adn i honestly don't think anyone is going to let her get away with any of the past bullshit again.
in other news, i have the greatest friends in the world. patty and liz have really been there for me this summer through all of this and i owe them everything for it. we went to the beach for a day and it was amazing! the best day all summer long.
i went to see a psychic. before you judge me, let me just tell you that my gram has been seeing this woman for years... and i mean YEARS! and things ALWAYS come true. so, i went. i'll keep you posted if anything she said would happen actualyl does come true. i will tell you this: apparently i am going to become very wealthy in the next few years. and not because of inheritance or lottery winnings, i'm just going to make and save a lot of money. i'll let you know how that goes.
i'm currently back in laurel, my home :) i've moved into my apartment and i start my first day as GA tomorrow - day one of training. i'm so excited!! i've got so many ideas and i'm just so glad to be doing this. i can't wait til the RAs are back next week and we officially get started!!!
no boy right now. i have an interest in someone, but i'm taking it slow. i'm trying not to get obsessed so early in the game. this way, when it doesn't happen, i won't be so disappointed.
i'm sure that i had more to say, but i honestly lost it sometime in the middle of all the rest of this jabber. but that's ok, because you have planty to read, and i'm sure i'll be updating again soon.
when i left school in may, my plan was to come home, find a job, and work in order to pay my bills and get some spending money. then i wanted to plan a trip with a girls for the end of summer since they are all now off in the real world and i'm still in the pseudo-real world of ESU. i also wanted to start planning for my GAship, which i've been totally stoked about.
but, alas, not much of that happened. by the time i actually got around to picking up apps, and looking for a job, the bombshell dropped. i got a "note" from my mother. point blank, the note pissed me off. i mean, it pretty much was a "whoa-pity-me-i'm-almost-homeless-come-get-your-stuff" note. it made me angry. she started off by saying, "well, since i haven't heard from you.." (um hello!? your phone was shut off, remember????) ".. i guess that means you aren't coming to get your stuff. i guess i'm just going to donate it or throw it out." my response: now what?
so of course, i plan to go down there. luckily patty and liz said they would be there for me. they followed me down in their cars, intending on helping get my stuff and get out of there without any drama. HA! but it's me, so of course there would be drama!!! to make a long story short, we ended up bringing my mother up to PA with us. YUP, you read that right. i don't want to get into details as to how exactly that happened, let's just say, i' m still kicking myself for it, even though i know it was the right thing to do.
so i bring her up. awkward. gram's uncomfortable, i'm uncomfortable, everyone is avoiding making a visit to the house because they all know she's there. awkward. a week later we head back down, just mom and i, to pack up the house and move her out. now, my original plan was to sell most of the crap she had because honestly, why the fuck does she need it? that didin't happen. instead, we sell her car, which she owned because it was paid off, for $2900. we can then pay movers to move us up wo PA (BIG help).
so now we are up here for good. more awkward. mom and i at this point had many brief and strange conversations. being the scared little girl that i am when it comes to her, i found it hard to just flat out tell her the turht about how i've felt, and how everyone else had felt, and how i've changed. she kept giving me bullshit about how i didn't know what it was like for her, and this and that, and blahbity blah. bullshit.
we all know she chose this. she did it to herself.
since she's been up here, which was like july4thish, we've continued to ahve a lot of awkwardness. while things have improved in our household, tensions have risen outside the house. meaning with the rest of my family. my mother's siblings have apparently set a confrontation date (labor day - OOH something to look forward to!!) in which case they will all go to my mother and say do something with your life or get the hell out. let's be honest here people, that's NOT a good idea. i have come to terms with the fact that this is the way it's going to be, even if i don't like it. my problem is... this is all my fault.
or at least that's how they all think. everyone keeps thinking of gram and how she feels and the intrusion this is on her life. but honestly, where else would my mother go? she's broke. she's got poor credit. she's got no motivation to do anything. attacking her at this point is not a good idea. so, i, being the lucky one to have created this mess, have been trying to help/encourage/motivate/etc my mother while having my spies tell me what everyone else is talking about behind my back. my conclusion: they all think i'm taking the easy way out by being able to go back to school while gram is left to deal with my mother. WHAT!!!! are you kidding me? like this has been easy on me?
and i think that's what pisses me off the most. everyone felt bad for me while my mother wasn't tlaking to me from a distance, but as soon as she's around, it's all my fault? what happened to everyone saying she dug her own grave? what happened to it being about her? when have i ever gotten off easy when it comes to my mother. they just don't understand. they don't know what i've grown up with. they don't even understand my mother let alone do they know how to talk to her. give me a break. luckily, my aunt becky stuck up for me. having been through all kinds of drama with her own mother she can sympathize with me. and she makes a good point, look at everything i've been through. i am trying to hold on to the one thing i have left of my family. my father is dead, my brother wants nothing to do with me, i thought my mom was out of my life, do you honestly think i'd just walk away when i knew i could keep her? who would? getting up the courage to walk away from someone for good is harder than anything in the world. and unless you've been there, you don't know what it's like. i'm not strong enough to walk away from her yet. i don't want to. i honestly need her in my life, if for no other reason but to prove that i am strong without her. pretty much, i don't want my relationship with her to end on her terms, i want it to end on mine. if it ends, i'm walking, she's not getting rid of me.
so here we are for round #759. it's an endless battle. and to save you of the gory details about her stubbornness in finding a job, let's just say i've handed her 3 and she turned them all down. but, she claims to have a plan. she is going to get a job, start earning some money, she and my gram are going to sell some stuff they have in storage for some cash, and then she wants to move on with her life.
the good thing about it, is she is happy. happier than she's been in a long time. and hopefully with everyone right here, she can't run away again. she can't hide, adn i honestly don't think anyone is going to let her get away with any of the past bullshit again.
in other news, i have the greatest friends in the world. patty and liz have really been there for me this summer through all of this and i owe them everything for it. we went to the beach for a day and it was amazing! the best day all summer long.
i went to see a psychic. before you judge me, let me just tell you that my gram has been seeing this woman for years... and i mean YEARS! and things ALWAYS come true. so, i went. i'll keep you posted if anything she said would happen actualyl does come true. i will tell you this: apparently i am going to become very wealthy in the next few years. and not because of inheritance or lottery winnings, i'm just going to make and save a lot of money. i'll let you know how that goes.
i'm currently back in laurel, my home :) i've moved into my apartment and i start my first day as GA tomorrow - day one of training. i'm so excited!! i've got so many ideas and i'm just so glad to be doing this. i can't wait til the RAs are back next week and we officially get started!!!
no boy right now. i have an interest in someone, but i'm taking it slow. i'm trying not to get obsessed so early in the game. this way, when it doesn't happen, i won't be so disappointed.
i'm sure that i had more to say, but i honestly lost it sometime in the middle of all the rest of this jabber. but that's ok, because you have planty to read, and i'm sure i'll be updating again soon.