tough times
i'm having a really tough time right now. again, things are seemingly going well for me. i won another award, i'm doing well in classes, i have a lot going for me, I'M OVER LUKE (for real this time i swear!), and you know i feel good about myself.
but somehow, there's always that stuff that brings me down lurking in the air around me. senioritis hit me (a bit delayed, i know), i still haven't found out if i got the GA job (stay tuned for the results of that one), and then there's...... my mother. you knew that was coming didn't you? the thorn in my side typically has to do with her. but this time, it's not just because we're not talking or whatever. it's because i can't help her. she has finally hit rock bottom and i can't save her and that kills me.
i'm the type of person that likes to help... i NEED to help (as if you didn't notice). and now i'm in the position where i have live knowing that she's going to be out there, alone, suffering. and i can't do anything.
i can't get it off my mind. there is nothing i can do except keep going. and that sucks. because it's hard to keep going knowing what's about to happen. it's hard to just keep going as if it isn't occuring.
i know i'm being slightly ambiguous, but to be honest, i'm embarassed to admit what's going on. seriously, i don't want to tell you. i don't want to tell anyone. because despite everything i still love her. i know i'm a fool, and i shouldn't feel bad for her, but i do. i mean, she's my mother. she's all i've got left of my family. if i lose her, and as great as my extended family is, i'll just never be the same.
but somehow, there's always that stuff that brings me down lurking in the air around me. senioritis hit me (a bit delayed, i know), i still haven't found out if i got the GA job (stay tuned for the results of that one), and then there's...... my mother. you knew that was coming didn't you? the thorn in my side typically has to do with her. but this time, it's not just because we're not talking or whatever. it's because i can't help her. she has finally hit rock bottom and i can't save her and that kills me.
i'm the type of person that likes to help... i NEED to help (as if you didn't notice). and now i'm in the position where i have live knowing that she's going to be out there, alone, suffering. and i can't do anything.
i can't get it off my mind. there is nothing i can do except keep going. and that sucks. because it's hard to keep going knowing what's about to happen. it's hard to just keep going as if it isn't occuring.
i know i'm being slightly ambiguous, but to be honest, i'm embarassed to admit what's going on. seriously, i don't want to tell you. i don't want to tell anyone. because despite everything i still love her. i know i'm a fool, and i shouldn't feel bad for her, but i do. i mean, she's my mother. she's all i've got left of my family. if i lose her, and as great as my extended family is, i'll just never be the same.