in the age of decay
Just an update-
Since I’ve lately shut myself off from the world, I thought it appropriate to update so that whoever still tunes in can know my reasons and or excuses for my escape. In no particular order…
My grammy is in the hospital. It was quite sudden that she “came down with something” which now has developed in to her having constant seizures and I believe that she’s had three strokes now. She has become in such a vegetative state that my aunts and uncles got together and determined to have her moved to some facility in Allentown and let her go peacefully. I get freaked out everytime I receive a call from home on my cell phone. I’m just waiting for someone to tell me that she’s gone. At first she was being held in intensive care and she didn’t want any visitors because she was so tired. At one point she was doing better but then had another stroke. I went to visit her on Sunday and I can’t stand the hospital but I needed to see her. The last time I visited her at home was when she just started feeling sick about a week ago. Before hand I had heard a message on the answering machine about her current condition, so I knew what I was going into and I was scared. I asked Meghan to come with me for support and she drove me there. I was crying. I went into the room and I was so nervous. My mother was there and my grammy was in bed leaning toward the side. I came in and said hi to her, I hugged my mom. She had lost her vision from having the stroke so my mom told me to put my face right in front of hers. I felt awkward talking to her like that. I was instantly in tears and it made my mom start crying as well. My mom said to her that I was there. I was crying too much to keep myself together. I pulled my mom aside and tried to explain that I just wanted to tell grammy that I love her, but I didn’t think I could. My mother said she would tell her for me. I just couldn’t compose myself. I hugged my mom again for a really long time and then left. I wasn’t in the room for more than 2 minutes. Meghan drove me back to my car and I cried most of the way home. Then I cried later that day in my car, and again when I got home. She’s on my mind every other minute and every time I think of her tears fill my eyes. This came out of no where, her being ill, it was so sudden. I think this is the first relative death that will impact me in the way that most people react to a death. Usually I react weirdly, or it doesn’t phase me. But this I can’t let go of. I’m feeling more and more alone as far as other things go, and my grammy is someone that I’ve been able to make a stronger bond with in the past couple of years. And now that we actually have a good relationship it’s being taken away. I predict that she will pass within the week, perhaps 2. I just want to cry.
Similar to the topic, my mother and I haven’t spoken since January. We continue to hold our grudge, and maybe it will take a tragedy to bring us back together. She did talk to me briefly about my grammy. I’m not in the mood to fix us because I know we will fall back to old habits and continue to argue about everything under the sun.
My father hasn’t been on my good side lately. He calls me every other day to nag me about buying a new car. Which was something I was considering, just not right away. He drunkenly insisted that “my car is gay” and that I need to get a new one asap. I’ve explained to him that I don’t need a car right away, my car is running perfectly fine, but we got in an argument the other night. He was drunk which made it pretty amusing, but still it was frustrating to hear.
I had my interview Monday with the district manager about my promotion to assistant store manager. It went pretty well but he said he would still have to talk to my current managers Josh and tom and let me know Tuesday. It’s always after the interview that I think of how I would’ve better answered or phrased things. Not to mention my head being in another place because of everything else that’s going on right now. He said he would call me today while I was at the south mall, but I didn’t get a call, so I am to call James tomorrow to see whether he’s made a decision yet.
Within the next two weeks or so I will be moving out of Jonathan’s room and into The Kerr’s basement. Meghan and I cleaned out everything, and moved my stuff over there. All I need to do is get some furniture(which means, wait for my tax refund, and trip to IKEA). I’m really excited about it, because I’ll have everything I need to start fresh. I am concerned about jonathan and I, but that’s another paragraph. I will have my garden outside, which I started to work on today, my bedroom and space downstairs, a steady internet connection (which means more unreal tournament and gaming online woot woot woot) and plenty of room to set up my art so that I can work on it whenever the inspiration strikes me(with a mallet). Rent is cheap, I’m closer to everything, and I’m ready to have a fresh start. Not to mention, meghan’s parents are family to me, so I think it will be nice to adjust to living in what I can truly call a home.
Recently I feel as though my bonds with some old friends may have been wearing thin, and I’m not much in the mood to salvage bonds. Whether it be because I’m having a busy/hard time lately or because I am less and less attracted to these friends I’m just not wanting to save it. I suppose I’ve just been questioning who is really there when I need them, who is just there to hang out, who is there to talk to etc. Different friends can have different functions. I just feel that as time goes on this past month or so that I don’t have many at my side and I wonder who is still with me.
At the same time I’ve been trying to reach out and make new bonds. Starting work at Lehigh mall has lead me to want to bond with the people there. Because being friends outside of work usually makes working a lot more fun and everything seems to go smoother. Not to mention that new people make life exciting. on the other side of that approach, I’m concerned I may be coming on too strong, but those feelings are lulled when I’m out with people just feeling like one of the guys, like I’ve been friends with the group all along. They’re very accepting of me, and I think I might get some genuine friends out of it, if not at least some good times here and there.
I’m losing touch with Jonathan, feeling like our intimate days are over, but wishing so much to hold on to the bond that we have as friends. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s been working lately, although that’s while we are still behind the façade of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t know if he thinks everything is fine or whether he knows that I’m having issues with us. I feel at this time in my life that I just need to be on my own. There’s so much going on that I just can’t sort it all out. Some suggested that maybe once I move out that we would miss each other more and have our own space so that we could continue our relationship from there. I don’t know how well that will hold up. I want to be on my own to sort out my life right now. It needs it. I need it. I just don’t know how well jonathan can accept that. Being single for a while would do me a lot of good. What’s funny is that now is not a time I want to feel more alone. I already feel abandoned by friends, my family etc. It’s my own choice to separate myself. I might need that though in order to move forward.
Something I’d really like to focus on is identity. I’m losing more and more of who I am. Personality is one thing. That I don’t wish to share much because it’s something I wish to figure out on my own. One issue that is making identity a crazy thing is my current gender confusion / sexuality issues. It bothers me to the point where I can’t function normally. I can not get through an average day without having a problem. I don’t know who to talk to about it seeing as I don’t know many people who can relate or have experienced something similar as most people don’t publicly voice when they’re having sexual confusion. I don’t feel like I fit in with the girls, or with the boys. Not that everything needs to be sorted and labeled into category A and B. I’m just having a rough time with it. Other things as well, more stuff I don’t want to talk about on the internet.
Because of my life being a downward spiral lately, my past shaman journeys have produced either no results, or very negative results. My next class is in a week and I fear what I will find. I’ve been reading more and more and trying to take the instructors advice. I received my drumming tracks so I’m going to try traveling on my own first before the class so that I may practice. we’ll see what happens.
Once I’m going to meghan’s house I plan on completely revamping my life with things such as daily meditations, recording my dreams more, daily tarots, more shaman journeys, exercising regularly and an overall positive change on my body mind and spirit. Not to sound kooky but I know it will do me nothing but good.
Things I’m looking forward to. YAY summer.
Trip to Maine
Maple grove raceway drag
Reading video games convention
Kids in the hall at state theater!!!
4400 relocating =) =) represent
stp at music fest?
NINJA TOWN!!!
Softball outings with gamestop crew
More Monday night bowling!
Otakon which I am DEFINITELY going to this year.
Beach trip.
Friends that are graduating!!! (high school and college!)
Turning my life around.
Going to bed tonight =) ( as it is now 4 am that I am writing this weeeee)
Since I’ve lately shut myself off from the world, I thought it appropriate to update so that whoever still tunes in can know my reasons and or excuses for my escape. In no particular order…
My grammy is in the hospital. It was quite sudden that she “came down with something” which now has developed in to her having constant seizures and I believe that she’s had three strokes now. She has become in such a vegetative state that my aunts and uncles got together and determined to have her moved to some facility in Allentown and let her go peacefully. I get freaked out everytime I receive a call from home on my cell phone. I’m just waiting for someone to tell me that she’s gone. At first she was being held in intensive care and she didn’t want any visitors because she was so tired. At one point she was doing better but then had another stroke. I went to visit her on Sunday and I can’t stand the hospital but I needed to see her. The last time I visited her at home was when she just started feeling sick about a week ago. Before hand I had heard a message on the answering machine about her current condition, so I knew what I was going into and I was scared. I asked Meghan to come with me for support and she drove me there. I was crying. I went into the room and I was so nervous. My mother was there and my grammy was in bed leaning toward the side. I came in and said hi to her, I hugged my mom. She had lost her vision from having the stroke so my mom told me to put my face right in front of hers. I felt awkward talking to her like that. I was instantly in tears and it made my mom start crying as well. My mom said to her that I was there. I was crying too much to keep myself together. I pulled my mom aside and tried to explain that I just wanted to tell grammy that I love her, but I didn’t think I could. My mother said she would tell her for me. I just couldn’t compose myself. I hugged my mom again for a really long time and then left. I wasn’t in the room for more than 2 minutes. Meghan drove me back to my car and I cried most of the way home. Then I cried later that day in my car, and again when I got home. She’s on my mind every other minute and every time I think of her tears fill my eyes. This came out of no where, her being ill, it was so sudden. I think this is the first relative death that will impact me in the way that most people react to a death. Usually I react weirdly, or it doesn’t phase me. But this I can’t let go of. I’m feeling more and more alone as far as other things go, and my grammy is someone that I’ve been able to make a stronger bond with in the past couple of years. And now that we actually have a good relationship it’s being taken away. I predict that she will pass within the week, perhaps 2. I just want to cry.
Similar to the topic, my mother and I haven’t spoken since January. We continue to hold our grudge, and maybe it will take a tragedy to bring us back together. She did talk to me briefly about my grammy. I’m not in the mood to fix us because I know we will fall back to old habits and continue to argue about everything under the sun.
My father hasn’t been on my good side lately. He calls me every other day to nag me about buying a new car. Which was something I was considering, just not right away. He drunkenly insisted that “my car is gay” and that I need to get a new one asap. I’ve explained to him that I don’t need a car right away, my car is running perfectly fine, but we got in an argument the other night. He was drunk which made it pretty amusing, but still it was frustrating to hear.
I had my interview Monday with the district manager about my promotion to assistant store manager. It went pretty well but he said he would still have to talk to my current managers Josh and tom and let me know Tuesday. It’s always after the interview that I think of how I would’ve better answered or phrased things. Not to mention my head being in another place because of everything else that’s going on right now. He said he would call me today while I was at the south mall, but I didn’t get a call, so I am to call James tomorrow to see whether he’s made a decision yet.
Within the next two weeks or so I will be moving out of Jonathan’s room and into The Kerr’s basement. Meghan and I cleaned out everything, and moved my stuff over there. All I need to do is get some furniture(which means, wait for my tax refund, and trip to IKEA). I’m really excited about it, because I’ll have everything I need to start fresh. I am concerned about jonathan and I, but that’s another paragraph. I will have my garden outside, which I started to work on today, my bedroom and space downstairs, a steady internet connection (which means more unreal tournament and gaming online woot woot woot) and plenty of room to set up my art so that I can work on it whenever the inspiration strikes me(with a mallet). Rent is cheap, I’m closer to everything, and I’m ready to have a fresh start. Not to mention, meghan’s parents are family to me, so I think it will be nice to adjust to living in what I can truly call a home.
Recently I feel as though my bonds with some old friends may have been wearing thin, and I’m not much in the mood to salvage bonds. Whether it be because I’m having a busy/hard time lately or because I am less and less attracted to these friends I’m just not wanting to save it. I suppose I’ve just been questioning who is really there when I need them, who is just there to hang out, who is there to talk to etc. Different friends can have different functions. I just feel that as time goes on this past month or so that I don’t have many at my side and I wonder who is still with me.
At the same time I’ve been trying to reach out and make new bonds. Starting work at Lehigh mall has lead me to want to bond with the people there. Because being friends outside of work usually makes working a lot more fun and everything seems to go smoother. Not to mention that new people make life exciting. on the other side of that approach, I’m concerned I may be coming on too strong, but those feelings are lulled when I’m out with people just feeling like one of the guys, like I’ve been friends with the group all along. They’re very accepting of me, and I think I might get some genuine friends out of it, if not at least some good times here and there.
I’m losing touch with Jonathan, feeling like our intimate days are over, but wishing so much to hold on to the bond that we have as friends. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s been working lately, although that’s while we are still behind the façade of being boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t know if he thinks everything is fine or whether he knows that I’m having issues with us. I feel at this time in my life that I just need to be on my own. There’s so much going on that I just can’t sort it all out. Some suggested that maybe once I move out that we would miss each other more and have our own space so that we could continue our relationship from there. I don’t know how well that will hold up. I want to be on my own to sort out my life right now. It needs it. I need it. I just don’t know how well jonathan can accept that. Being single for a while would do me a lot of good. What’s funny is that now is not a time I want to feel more alone. I already feel abandoned by friends, my family etc. It’s my own choice to separate myself. I might need that though in order to move forward.
Something I’d really like to focus on is identity. I’m losing more and more of who I am. Personality is one thing. That I don’t wish to share much because it’s something I wish to figure out on my own. One issue that is making identity a crazy thing is my current gender confusion / sexuality issues. It bothers me to the point where I can’t function normally. I can not get through an average day without having a problem. I don’t know who to talk to about it seeing as I don’t know many people who can relate or have experienced something similar as most people don’t publicly voice when they’re having sexual confusion. I don’t feel like I fit in with the girls, or with the boys. Not that everything needs to be sorted and labeled into category A and B. I’m just having a rough time with it. Other things as well, more stuff I don’t want to talk about on the internet.
Because of my life being a downward spiral lately, my past shaman journeys have produced either no results, or very negative results. My next class is in a week and I fear what I will find. I’ve been reading more and more and trying to take the instructors advice. I received my drumming tracks so I’m going to try traveling on my own first before the class so that I may practice. we’ll see what happens.
Once I’m going to meghan’s house I plan on completely revamping my life with things such as daily meditations, recording my dreams more, daily tarots, more shaman journeys, exercising regularly and an overall positive change on my body mind and spirit. Not to sound kooky but I know it will do me nothing but good.
Things I’m looking forward to. YAY summer.
Trip to Maine
Maple grove raceway drag
Reading video games convention
Kids in the hall at state theater!!!
4400 relocating =) =) represent
stp at music fest?
NINJA TOWN!!!
Softball outings with gamestop crew
More Monday night bowling!
Otakon which I am DEFINITELY going to this year.
Beach trip.
Friends that are graduating!!! (high school and college!)
Turning my life around.
Going to bed tonight =) ( as it is now 4 am that I am writing this weeeee)