what's the point?
This is kinda a wierd entry for me.
1 - it has absolutely nothing to do with Stuart.
2 - I haven't already discussed it with the entire world.
I'm bored. I don't mean just bored, I don't have anything to do right now bored. I mean really bored. Like, what's the point of my day to day life where's the excitment bored. Really bored. My entire life right now is classes. Yes I have Stu and I have friends to hang out with, but for the most part I deal with school work. I get up, go to class, come home, do homework, go to bed, repeat. And then if I run out of homework (which happens surprisingly often) I sit. I sit and stare into space. I have absolutely nothing to do. No short term goals, no projects to work on, nothing exciting.
Where my friends all plan and think in the short term, I plan and think in the long term. All my goals have to do with where I want to be when I'm 30, 40, or older. All my dreams are of the family I want, the house I want, the job I want. My plans are for where to establish my firm, where to live, how much money to spend where. That's what drives me. I carefully plan and pick my classes so they'll lead to the ultimate goal, I work hard where I think it will make a differance in the long term. But that's all I do.
Even when I try I fail. Tonight the whole group was going to the movie on campus and dragged me along. I went because I really had nothing else to do, but not because I wanted to. What's the point in seeing some movie I don't really care about? It doesn't work towards the master plan. And afterwards, they were all going to shoot fireworks off in the park, and I got dragged along. Still, somehow I couldn't just relax and enjoy myself, I was completely incapable of living in the moment, and instead stood there worried that if we got caught all my big plans would be gone.
When I was little I always had projects to work on. School wasn't hard so I entertained myself with other challenges. Breaking a personal best time in swimming, proving a doctor wrong and getting back in, organizing random carnivals in my basement with friends, whatever - I always had something. I lived to prove myself, someone would tell me I couldn't so I would. But maybe I've suceeded too much, no one doubts me anymore, rather they assume I can do it so they don't even notice when I do. Only if I don't.
I don't have anything exciting to do, no projects to work on, nothing interesting to talk about. I REALLY need something. I need to be excited about doing something, doing it because I want to, not because I think I have to inorder to succeed in life. I don't know if this makes any sense, probably not to be honest. Still, the last few days I've found myself totally bored, not only did I not have anything I had to do, I didn't have anything I wanted to do - and the next week is shaping up to be the same.
Hopefully I'll come up with a project. But I really don't have any ideas, and I don't think it'll even work if it's someone else's idea. I really need to though. Before I totally lose it.
1 - it has absolutely nothing to do with Stuart.
2 - I haven't already discussed it with the entire world.
I'm bored. I don't mean just bored, I don't have anything to do right now bored. I mean really bored. Like, what's the point of my day to day life where's the excitment bored. Really bored. My entire life right now is classes. Yes I have Stu and I have friends to hang out with, but for the most part I deal with school work. I get up, go to class, come home, do homework, go to bed, repeat. And then if I run out of homework (which happens surprisingly often) I sit. I sit and stare into space. I have absolutely nothing to do. No short term goals, no projects to work on, nothing exciting.
Where my friends all plan and think in the short term, I plan and think in the long term. All my goals have to do with where I want to be when I'm 30, 40, or older. All my dreams are of the family I want, the house I want, the job I want. My plans are for where to establish my firm, where to live, how much money to spend where. That's what drives me. I carefully plan and pick my classes so they'll lead to the ultimate goal, I work hard where I think it will make a differance in the long term. But that's all I do.
Even when I try I fail. Tonight the whole group was going to the movie on campus and dragged me along. I went because I really had nothing else to do, but not because I wanted to. What's the point in seeing some movie I don't really care about? It doesn't work towards the master plan. And afterwards, they were all going to shoot fireworks off in the park, and I got dragged along. Still, somehow I couldn't just relax and enjoy myself, I was completely incapable of living in the moment, and instead stood there worried that if we got caught all my big plans would be gone.
When I was little I always had projects to work on. School wasn't hard so I entertained myself with other challenges. Breaking a personal best time in swimming, proving a doctor wrong and getting back in, organizing random carnivals in my basement with friends, whatever - I always had something. I lived to prove myself, someone would tell me I couldn't so I would. But maybe I've suceeded too much, no one doubts me anymore, rather they assume I can do it so they don't even notice when I do. Only if I don't.
I don't have anything exciting to do, no projects to work on, nothing interesting to talk about. I REALLY need something. I need to be excited about doing something, doing it because I want to, not because I think I have to inorder to succeed in life. I don't know if this makes any sense, probably not to be honest. Still, the last few days I've found myself totally bored, not only did I not have anything I had to do, I didn't have anything I wanted to do - and the next week is shaping up to be the same.
Hopefully I'll come up with a project. But I really don't have any ideas, and I don't think it'll even work if it's someone else's idea. I really need to though. Before I totally lose it.